November Happiness Resolutions: Finally!

At long last, I am writing about my progress for the Happiness Project, which was put on hold during the month's of December and January. I have been reluctant to bring it up again, but things in my life have completely changed, to the point where my goals have somewhat shifted. 

I feel like I was doing a lot of great things in Virginia, but it took a lot of work. Here, I don't feel like I have to try so hard....something I am actually grateful for. I tend to have more time to concentrate on other things besides trying to make ends meat. I am very blessed. 

Needless to say, my goals for November were not met with as much vigor as the goals I set in September and October. At first, I was ashamed that I didn't accomplish what I set out to do. Then I had to remember my 10th commandment, Don't Be So Hard on Yourself.

Spirituality: Start attending the family history center

This did not happen. I was told that Rexburg has free family history services that are one of the best in the country. That makes me so happy. I am looking forward to dedicating one night to family history, and better do it before my schedule starts filling up.


Marriage: Sing the words to my sweetheart when I am stressed. Come up with slogans or funny liners to help diffuse the tension when annoying habits enter the room.

It's true. We do this now. When we are starting to get irritated, all we have to do is sing to each other and all of a sudden, we don't remember why we are arguing anymore. Of course this isn't a sure fire thing either. Sometimes when we try it, it just makes things worse. I think if anything though, it helps us realize what the super important things are that we need to discuss. Anything other than "super important", is most likely to be diffused with a couple measures of song.

Finances: Combine and join accounts. Start living out of one account.

We took this step as I entered into my new job. We have yet to budget and discuss a savings plan, but I am excited to stop living on two separate accounts and stop having conversations of 'yours' and 'my' money. It creates unnecessary tension that makes marriage even harder. 

Family/Friends: Schedule time to be with friends instead of going home to be on my own. Start a FB page with memorabilia.

Leaving Virginia was actually easy, except when it came to leaving my friends and acquaintances. That is always the hardest part for me. I feel like I did a lot of growing up in VA, and I know I had relationships that were meant for me at that time in life. I couldn't have gotten through joblessness without comfort and ease, and without my motivators, you know who you are.  I couldn't have learned that men are from mars and that some of the stuff they do is because they are men, without some of you. It would have been extremely rough not to have sounding boards for my joy, as well as my sorrow. I also wouldn't have grown so much without the opportunity to serve and mourn with some of you who mourned. I did a lot of growing up, and a lot of growing together with some of you over the past 3 years! Scheduling time to let you know is important to me. Therefore, this goal will continue on. 

I have been able to take pictures that remind me of some of you or something you said. I am bound to keep up this tradition.

Intellect: Start writing about behavioral issues on the blog to develop awareness and record understanding/growth on the subject.

This was put on hold as I had to deal with my own internal/behavioral issues, particularly around anxiety, finding joy in the journey, handing over the reigns, and having hope.

Health: Meditate at least 30 minutes per day.

I did this one night. It was hard to meditate in our 720 square foot apartment. I find that my peace comes when I am in the restroom. This is my dedicated private time. My sweetheart knows that if I am in there, I won't respond to him. It has taken several months for me to be clear about this, but when I have my restroom time to myself, I know it is going to be a good day. In other news, I now have an office where there is a lovely chair that I like to lounge in and read. I am going to use this as part of my meditation practices. While you might not consider meditation, reading, because in some ways it is active, I am going to use that time to gain knowledge, and think about what I am reading.

Time: Continue throwing things away. Scan unnecessary but wanted paperwork, photos, and memorabilia.

You would be so proud of me. I have gotten rid of a ton of stuff. Even now, I look and see that there is more I can do. So, if I keep it up, it is most likely that by this time next year, I will have less than I have now. As for paperwork scanning, that is most necessarily on hold as we have to troubleshoot our scanner and such. If only I had the scanner I used for my first project....thank you Bobbi. Maybe that is something worth looking into. I can say it has brought me a certain satisfaction knowing I don't have mounds of papers lying around. I am also very good at only keeping pertinent information. I don't like papers strewn about the house, and am very good about throwing away things that are unnecessary. I do have to caution others wanting to do the same: be careful not to throw away important documentation!! I was on such a throw-away binge that I ended up throwing away some of my sweetheart's important papers. In your hurry to get rid of unnecessaries, BE CAREFUL!

Passion: Go to the art museum. Go for a hike. Finish one book other than intellect studies.

Go to the art museum: I was able to go the National Art Museum before I left DC. It is by far my most favorite museum. I went on the same day my sweetheart and I attended the Botanical Gardens Christmas-themed exposition. At first, I thought that my sweetheart was going to be too tired to make it through. He surprised me though by thoroughly enjoying the art. I think my favorite moment was when we were looking at this Impressionist piece of a castle in ruins on a shore. In the painting, there were several sheep, two goats, and a shepherd watching his flock. My sweetheart continued to describe the landscape by saying something like "See these two goats, they are like androids. See the sheep, they are like Apple, and look there is Steve Jobs," he said pointing at the shepherd. I was laughing so hard. If any of you know my sweetheart, you know how much he likes to tell people that Apple is for people who don't want a challenge, yours truly included.

I was so happy to see my favorite pieces of art still displayed at the museum, including The Voyage of Life by Thomas Cole. I remember first seeing these pieces when I first visiting the art museum three years ago. I stood in front of the one of the four entitled Manhood. It depicts a man on his boat of life, standing, praying to the sky as his boat floats toward heavy rapids. The painting shows three demons and one angel accompanying him through this phase of life. The description is what touched me deeply: " In the painting, Manhood, the youth has grown into an adult and now faces the trials of life. The boat is damaged and the tiller is gone. The river has become a terrible rush of white water with menacing rocks, dangerous whirlpools, and surging currents. The warm sunlight of youth has been clouded over with dark and stormy skies and torrential rains. The trees have become wind-beaten, gnarled, leafless trunks. The fresh grass is gone, replaced by hard and unforgiving rock.
In the boat, the man no longer displays confidence or even control. The angel appears high in the sky, still watching over the man, who does not see the angel. Man must rely on his faith that the angel is there to help him. Cole states, "Trouble is characteristic of the period of Manhood. In childhood, there is no carking care: in youth, no despairing thought. It is only when experience has taught us the realities of the world, that we lift from our eyes the golden veil of early life; that we feel deep and abiding sorrow: and in the Picture, the gloomy, eclipse-like tone, the conflicting elements, the trees riven by tempest, are the allegory; and the Ocean, dimly seen, figures the end of life, which the Voyager is now approaching.""

Go hiking: We went up to the Shenendoah mountains and did two hikes in one day. Pretty intense...I loved it. We both love the outdoors so much, and are so excited we are in an area that will let us explore this avenue more! We are definitely outdoorsy people.

Finish one book other than intellect studies: I should first say that I haven't even gotten through the intellect studies material at all. I have finished several books though including some of my favorite youth reads like Otherwise Known as Sheila the Great, by Judy Blume. 

I have to reiterate how excited I am to have more time to dedicate to reading. I have a bookcase full of books that I have read and some I haven't read, and am super excited to sit for a while and finish great stories that take me places I have never been. 

Conclusion

While I haven't been able to accomplish everything I set out to do, I really feel like I am at a place in life where I will be able to do so many more things that contribute to my overall happiness. This major life change and future life changes couldn't have been/are not possible without a loving Heavenly Father who is very aware of what will help me grow....and that is something I need to remember. I am grateful I am finally at a place where I have the ability to read, cook, sing, attend religious activities, grow in knowledge and understanding daily, and grow my little family without crazy distraction.

Anxiety or Awareness?

On the drive from Alexandria, VA to Rexburg, ID, I can't say that I followed my commandments super well. The drive itself was not necessarily terrible. Although looking back I can't believe how risky and crazy my mom and I were for driving through storms of ice, wind, and snow. I wasn't super patient when driving across the country. I just wanted to get where I was going. I feel like a month was a little long for me to wait and wait and wait on all these life changes, right!?

The anxiety to 'need to get there now' is not new for me. If you recall, my desire to have outcomes available RIGHT NOW has been something I have been dealing with my entire adult life. Proof: my posts about Patience, and Notwithstanding My Weakness.

Just yesterday when I was looking at our finances, I knew that we were going to be hit with a HUGE moving bill, and that it would be a struggle to gain what we lost for this move. All of a sudden everything I had been focused on, all the good stuff, went out the window, and I just want to be back to where we were financially RIGHT NOW!

The good stuff went like this:

• My sweetheart is so happy here - it is a night and day difference
• The air in this part of the country is so good for our lungs
• We have more time with each other instead of commuting everyday
• The grocery store is literally 2 minutes for our apartment
• I have a wonderful job with so much responsibility, autonomy, and flexibility
• I am grateful for my company for taking a chance on me and my BIG ideas!
• I love our apartment!
• I love the community!
• Gas is $3.08 at Maverick....OMGoodness, that's awesome 
• We have hot water
• We have enough food in our fridge for several meals...which means I get to be creative on what we eat
• I have time to cook, workout, make the bed, do laundry, read, and sleep ALL outside of my work schedule!

The bad stuff went like this:

• Why haven't we earned enough over the past year to feel secure now? 
• We are so valuable and haven't been paid jack for our services!
• If only he/I had better negotiation skills, maybe we would be earning more
• If I were still single, I wouldn't have had to pay $1270 for rent plus utilities in DC, I could have paid $500 plus some change and saved a bazillion dollars
• We can't have a child right now!! 
• If only he/I didn't buy that one thing that cost a bazillion dollars, we could afford meat at the grocery store
• Why haven't you sold that thing you wanted to sell online yet?
• Do you really have to get an oil change, again? 
• Yes, I NEED the hot air to be at 70 during the day!

Needless to say, my sweetheart heard it all. One minute I was laughing, having a good time with him. The next, I was on the floor bawling saying, "How in the world are we going to make it and save what we spent when there are constantly things that we owe? What more do we have to eliminate before I feel financially secure?" I realized that I am one of those people that may never feel secure. My sweetheart commented that his faith has sustained him when he is hit with these anxieties. Lucky. 

Am I an anxious person, or am I just SUPER aware? Yup, you are right, I am anxious....and we all remember what happens when I get anxious: Anxiety is not Happiness. In remembering my 13 commandments my very first one says, " It is what it is, embrace it, be grateful for it." Quoting myself from my blog post mentioned above, I need to remember, "At the end of the day, I have to remember that God intends that I am happy - that if I do my best, and have an active faith in Him, that things will work, and not necessarily in any way that I could have imagined."

Keeping Busy: Best For My Happiness

Being away from sweetheart for so long has been rough; I miss him terribly. To be honest though, I try not to miss him until the evening time when I get to talk to him on the phone. I am sure you are thinking this is unfair. Hear me out. 

Trying to pay visits and busying myself with doing everything in DC before I leave has been a great use of my time. Some of my acquaintances have commented that I am just 'too busy.' You are probably thinking I don't have time for you because I am too busy. Hear me out.

I prefer to be busy. I think I always have. I remember someone once saying that the busier a person is, the less time they have to sin. I agree with this notion.

I am currently reading Little Women by Louisa May Alcott (second time in less than a year, because I love it so much). In one of my favorite moments, the main male character has a little self-reflective moment in his life in regards to his apparent laziness, which was brought on by a great disappointment. During this phase, and in regards to his character it reads, "Now what shall I do? That seemed a hard question to answer, and Laurie began to wish he had to work for his daily bread. Now, if ever, occurred an eligible opportunity for 'going to the devil,' as he once forcibly expressed it, - for he had plenty of money and nothing to do, - and Satan is proverbially fond of providing employment for full and idle hands."

The thought occurred to me that this does not apply just to money. It applies to work in general. Even for the those without money, it is easy to be idle. There are some who may have jobs where they don't do their due diligence and get away with the bare minimum for a paycheck, which hinders progression and growth. In addition, I think the same can be said of time - when I have plenty of time and don't have any plans to do anything it is easy for me to think about 'what isn't right' in my life.

I have struggled with the fact that I often feel disappointed. I don't know why it always turns that way, but it does, and I am consciously working on it. When I busy myself with good things, my disappointment lessens. When I am lazy, or busy myself with not the greatest of things, I am easily let down.

So when my friends, family, loved ones, coworkers, acquaintances say that I am too busy, I shouldn't take offense, or have to explain myself, right? I should just smile at the fact that I know I am happier when I am busying myself with things that prevent me from moping over my sweetheart because we have been apart almost a month, thinking about all that other stuff I didn't get done, wondering where all the time went while I watched all my shows online...you get the idea. 

Keeping busy is the best thing for my happiness.

How to find happiness in packing....

I actually don't know the answer to this question. I am asking. Packing up a house in preparation for a move (for me) means packing up memories, saying goodbye, leaving behind and starting anew, which can be scary. I have been working super hard at trying not to be scared. If anything, I have been excited about this new adventure. I have needed a slower pace, and moving to Idaho was absolutely in the cards for us. So, why the breakdowns? I have boiled it down to circumstance. For weeks, I have been packing - you think that would make it more real. But it hasn't been. It was real late Monday. The moving truck came. And then, the bill came too. Still not knowing about the job front, the large bill probably scared me half to death. Let the breakdowns begin.

Handing Over the Reigns: Not Taking Over God's Job

Lately, I have been trying to practice handing over the reigns. Most know that I have a hard time letting things happen as they happen, or rather, losing control. I always thought that having control made me more happy. 

Case and point: if I get to the movies 30 minutes before the show starts, I have a better chance of getting the best seats. I avoid crowds and thus avoid trying to find seats for my party amongst all other movie goers. I can get situated, and even go to the bathroom with plenty of time to spare. I don't like feeling rushed, unprepared, and don't want to inconvenience those around me. Having control over the time in which I arrive to the movie guarantees a fantastic movie-watching experience for everyone! Right!? 

Last week, I went to see Frozen with my family. We arrived 2 minutes before the movie started. We sat 2 rows from the screen. I hate sitting that close in movies. But, I decided to put aside the feeling that I was going to be blind by the end of the show, and really  embraced the experience. And you know what....it was fantastic! 

This experience is so minor compared to how I handle other more serious issues. This past Christmas week, I again struggled with handing the reigns over. I wasn't with my immediate family. I was with my new one. Things were different, not bad, just different. I felt out of place. I felt lost and confused. I could have treated this as an opportunity for me and my sweetheart to embrace one another and find out what we want for our future family. But instead, I whined and really struggled to see value in this Christmas experience. I wasn't willing to go with the flow. I fought and fought, and was miserable. There isn't one right way to be with family. I had a hard time handing the reigns over.

Looking at my life, I realize how even my Christmas experience is so minor compared to how I handle handing over the reigns to my Heavenly Father. 

In the book These High Green Hills by Jan Karon, the following passage about 'calling the shots,' was so profound as I struggle with my control issues. Another preacher in the town was up in the hills preaching about sin, and recalls the experience:

"I want this, I want that, and I want it right now. I want to run things, I want to call the shots, I want be in charge...

When we turn from our sin, and have the blessed forgiveness of the Almighty, then we can ask Him to run things, and let Him be in charge. But boys howdy, folks don't want to hear that either.

Nossir, they like to keep control, even if their little boat's pitchin' around in the storm and takin' on water and about to be swamped."

He's right, you know. We don't like to hear it. I don't like to hear it. Even when it is the best thing for me/us. What is it about control? Why do I like it so much? Is it a natural tendency in all mankind, or just some of us blessed few? I feel like the only way to let someone take the reigns is if I am not in the front of the wagon at all. The minute I slow down, I just stop. 

For example: I don't know if I am going to be employed at the end of January. I have applied and interviewed at a couple places in Idaho. Because I am so prone to anxiety, it was suggested to me that I also pray that if the opportunity isn't supposed to be that the door on the opportunity will close completely. There is nothing worse than interviewing somewhere only to wait and wait and wait until I don't hear anything. Heavenly Father has been very gracious at granting this request. I have interviewed at multiple places, and He has moved worlds in order for me to physically make it to these interviews, and the doors have been closed. On the flip side, my sweetheart and I know that making this move is what we need to do. We have prayed and spoken with Heavenly Father that His will and blessings will be revealed. And now, I think I have handed over the reigns, at least I feel like I have. I feel my faith being tested. Fortunately, my sweetheart's faith is strong and is holding me up as I am learning this very valuable and trying lesson. 

I just want to get it right. I find that as I learn these new things, I mumble. Most of my mumblings sound like, "Again, really!? How many times do I heave to learn this lesson? Didn't I get it right the first time?" That is when this passage from These High Green Hills struck me: 

"Must I remind you that your future belongs to God, and not to you?...trying to get it right is a dangerous thing, and He does not like it. I mean that getting it absolutely right is God's job."

It was a good reminder to me that while I am trying to drive the load down this swervy, curvy road of life, if I am open to it, Heavenly Father will drive and guide all along the way. If I did it all right the first time, there would be nothing left for me to do. The only person who did it right the first time was Jesus Christ, period. 

And while I have made that discovery before, I tend to forget it. And so easily, too. As one who has been knocked over the head with the same discovery over and over, nothing sums it up quite like this quote from the same book: "God spoke to my heart in a way He hadn't spoken before. No. Erase that. He made me able to listen in a way I couldn't listen before.

Not getting the best seat at a movie theater can be tough. Having new Christmas traditions with new family can be tough. Handing over the reigns can be tough. Doing this thing called life alone can be tough. Doing this thing called life in a marriage can be tough. Listening in ways I haven't listened before can be tough. Moving and walking, while letting God do His thing can be tough. 

But guess what!? I know that I was given the opportunity to come and experience this thing called life, and I have the feeling that I knew that it could be tough. And yet, I decided that it would be worth it, because I am here......and for that I am happy.
 

Gathering It In: Finding Joy in the Journey

I am reading a remarkable book. It is part III of the Mitford Series that I am so keen to write about. This book is called These High Green Hills by Jan Karon. It seems to touch the very fabric of the things that I have been anxious about, or have been thinking about the most.

In this book, one of the characters is thinking about his insight into his newlywed life. Side note: sometimes it is hard for me to read all the schmoopsy poo stuff that this man is feeling toward his wife. My schmoopsy poo moment didn't last very long before my sweetheart and I had to make some hard decisions, and I still crave what people call "the Honeymoon period." Did I have that? Maybe for a day.....but I want it back. I think that is why the next quote touched me deeply as this man reflected on his marriage:

"Every day, with what seemed to be no effort at all on his part, he received God's extraordinary provision of contentment - there it was, waiting for him at every dawn; all he had to do was gather it in."

The active part of this thought was that all I need to do is "gather it in". It really gets me thinking. Was I gathering it in? Was I being proactive in letting contentment in? Why do I have such a hard time feeling content?

This week I interviewed for a position in Idaho. During my conversation with the interview panel, I noticed a theme that digs far deeper than my professional disposition, and something I have referred to again and again in this blog. In both aspects of my life, I feel that there is always room for improvement, and if I am not constantly seeking it, then I am selling myself short on additional opportunities and growth experiences. For example, whenever I cook, I always look for ways I could improve the dish for next time. My sweetheart tells me to knock it off and enjoy it, but I always feel the need to think of what I could do to make it better. There have only been a couple of times where I thoroughly enjoyed my cooked meal and thought it was just....PERFECT.

But isn't this what progress is all about? I venture to say 'yes,' but at the same time, just because there are areas that can improve, doesn't mean that I can't be content in the process - the whole 'enjoy the journey' thing.

Progression for me is a fight. When I have a trial, I fight to the top. I can't wait until I can gracefully walk and be content with the journey.

My sweetheart pointed this out to me once without coming outright and saying it. One day, we went hiking with our friends. Before we began our journey, we planned on doing two hikes before the end of the day knowing our light on the mountain was limited. During our hike, we only stopped a couple of times because we set this expectation of doing two hikes.

As we began our way back to the car and on our way to the second hike, my sweetheart said, "Oh, just rush through because you want to do two hikes. Oh, just keep on going without looking around you," which essentially meant, "Why are we treating this like a marathon? We are missing out on how amazing it is out here! I am going to take this slow, and you should too!" Maybe trying to complete two hikes was too ambitious to be content during the journey. Regardless, we were missing out on on everything else just to beat the sun and meet our demands. I know that I typically run faster than I have strength and don't enjoy the journey along the way. 

I always feel the most content during the holidays with my family. During this time though, I get super, super lazy. I don't help out around the house, I laze around for hours on end. I only help when asked. Because for me, I am trying to gather strength to run fast when the holidays are over. I am realizing that this mentality is not very healthy. This is absolutely a repercussion of running faster than I have strength. The truth of the matter is, I still have responsibilities to my family and to myself. I don't know how to effectively spread out tasks of the things I am trying to accomplish in life. In the end, I wind up sleeping and being lazy for days, which actually makes me feel guilty, so I am not even content with that. WHAT AN INSIGHT!

At the end of the day, I need to remember my first commandment: It is what it is, embrace it, be grateful for it. There is a need for me to 'gather it in,' not only in my marriage, but in my life. I know in order for me to be happy, I need to set down the cooking and take in the better part (story of Martha and Mary). And I know that in order for me to be happy, I need to find joy in the journey, and realize it is still proactive, but shouldn't make me so exhausted at the end of the day.

Hope and Love: Revisited

I know I have highlighted this before, but it brings such comfort to me. And so, I revisit some of my favorite speeches and talks.

The Infinite Power of Hope: Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Hope is not knowledge, but rather the abiding trust that the Lord will fulfill His promise to us. It is confidence that if we live according to God’s laws and the words of His prophets now, we will receive desired blessings in the future. It is believing and expecting that our prayers will be answered. It is manifest in confidence, optimism, enthusiasm, and patient perseverance.

The things we hope in sustain us during our daily walk. They uphold us through trials, temptations, and sorrow. Everyone has experienced discouragement and difficulty. Indeed, there are times when the darkness may seem unbearable. It is in these times that the divine principles of the restored gospel we hope in can uphold us and carry us until, once again, we walk in the light.

An High Priest of Good Things to Come: Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

Even if you cannot always see that silver lining on your clouds, God can, for He is the very source of the light you seek. He does love you, and He knows your fears. He hears your prayers. He is your Heavenly Father, and surely He matches with His own the tears His children shed.

In spite of this counsel, I know some of you do truly feel at sea, in the most frightening sense of that term. Out in troubled waters, you may even now be crying with the poet:

It darkens. I have lost the ford.

There is a change on all things made.

The rocks have evil faces, Lord,

And I am [sore] afraid. 

 

No, it is not without a recognition of life’s tempests but fully and directly because of them that I testify of God’s love and the Savior’s power to calm the storm. Always remember in that biblical story that He was out there on the water also, that He faced the worst of it right along with the newest and youngest and most fearful. Only one who has fought against those ominous waves is justified in telling us—as well as the sea—to “be still.”  Only one who has taken the full brunt of such adversity could ever be justified in telling us in such times to “be of good cheer.” Such counsel is not a jaunty pep talk about the power of positive thinking, though positive thinking is much needed in the world. 

No, Christ knows better than all others that the trials of life can be very deep and we are not shallow people if we struggle with them. But even as the Lord avoids sugary rhetoric, He rebukes faithlessness and He deplores pessimism. He expects us to believe!

Conclusion

And now, I lightly tread.