Blind Devotion

Being able to hear her side of the story really opened my mind to what happens in someone's mind when they are faced with circumstances that seem debilitating - for all those who have physical or mental limitations. I don't quite understand it all, but this beautiful video expresses what it is like to have something so cherished, and to lose it. I have only had glimpses of the struggle of knowing what is now lost, and needing to come up with a way to overcome....even if that way seems stubborn.

And for those of us on the other end, I think this video gives a brilliant view into what it means to "support" and "love." When I struggle through trying to understand my sweetheart's discouragement and pain, people tell me to just keep supporting him and loving him. Sure his stubbornness and mine often clash, and we lose patience with one another, me more often than him. I end up crying to the heavens, "Can't he just see that I am trying to be supportive and that I love him?" 

That's the rub, isn't it? Maybe our loved ones going through these experiences desire to find themselves through it, and we shouldn't let them. Maybe, just maybe there is hope knowing that silently we are doing more than they think....because they prefer the silent kind of support.

Reading, Writing, and Talking about Depression is Depressing

It is so depressing talking about depression. I remember buying a book to learn more about it after my sweetheart and I discovered more about his. I started to read the book, and within the first two pages, I threw it on the ground. I didn't want to be sad. I don't like sad. Sad is an awful place to be. 

In our household, we don't talk about depression. After the discovery, my sweetheart told me that he didn't want to talk about it, not because he was in denial, but because he felt saying, "I have depression" was too much. It reminded him that there was something going on that he couldn't control. In addition with trying to understand his ADHD, it was too much to think about. 

It makes him feel like he is inferior. It makes him feel like there is something "wrong" with him. It makes him feel like he should be able to control how he was feeling, and when he can't, it gets worse.

After reading about depression, I needed a clear understanding of the definition. I only found one that I liked from Dictionary.com:

• A condition of general emotional dejection and withdrawal; sadness greater and more pro-longed than that warranted by any objective reason.

Other dictionary entries say:

• A serious medical condition in which a person feels very sad, hopeless, and unimportant and often is unable to live in a normal way
• A mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest....it affects how you feel, think and behave and can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems

All those definitions talk about "feelings" or "mood" as if the depressed person has complete control over how they are 'feeling.'  After reading the definitions from Websters, the Mayo Clinic, and Medical Encyclopedia, it is clear to me that the definition of depression is portrayed as a condition that is solely dependent on the person who has it. 

I am still struggling a bit with the idea that people who are depressed don't have any control, but I can say this: do I agree that some of the emotion is controllable? Yes. The way a person responds to it, matters. They way a person decides to figure out happiness for them, matters. However, us outsiders need to understand that sometimes, depression just is.

I remember being depressed for a time, and it was the worst thing I can remember, aside from physical pain. I remember not being able to explain where this sadness came from. I couldn't describe that no matter what I did to make it better, it wouldn't go away. I prayed, fasted, went to church to seek religious healing, served other people, searched for answers in holy writ and other reading material, meditated, exercised, everything that people tell you to do to be happy. Nothing. Not one bit of happiness. Luckily, this only lasted three months. 

I can't even think about what it would be like to combat this all the time. Imagine waking up day after day feeling like you have done everything you can, and you are still unable to shake the sadness. I do not pretend that my little stint of depression could ever be compared with a lifetime of depression.

I was moved by a story of someone who was recently saved from his overwhelming depression. In the article: Suicide and How my Brother Saved Me from Drowning, Seth Adam Smith has an interesting perspective of how we can support those who have depression. 

I think the takeaway for me is that each person struggling with depression will have a different way of finding ways to be happy, or to be "saved" from the struggle. Everyone has different coping mechanisms. 

Some may choose not talk about the fact that they struggle with it. Maybe, just maybe, not mentioning depression means they have found one way they are controlling something that may not be as controllable as we think....because talking about it is....depressing.

Huffington Post: What if People Treated Physical Illness Like Mental Illness

I loved this article most recently published in the Huffington Post: What If People Treated Physical Illness Like Mental Illness by Lindsay Holmes.

Yesterday, I heard of someone who ended their life. I didn't know him, but I was deeply impacted by this news. Lately, I have been surrounded by persons so affected by sadness that is deeply entrenched and has become such a profound part of their lives, they find it hard to escape.

At first, depression was something I didn't understand. I remember having endless conversations with roommates who tried to explain to me that there is more to it than 'choosing to be happy.' Depression is not something someone chooses, it just is. 

Lately, I have learned that depending on the person, depression can just hit out of no where. One minute someone will seem like they are on top of life and the next minute, they are curled up in their bed wondering why they are feeling the way they are feeling. Granted, each person varies. Knowing and coming to understanding of this information has been eye opening for me.

A repercussion of my sweetheart's ADHD is depression. After going to an incredible 'brain' doctor, one who practiced EEG in terms of behavioral health, we found out that my sweetheart's brain never rests. Therefore, my sweetheart never feels fully rested. Imagine never feeling fully rested and how you would react being tired all the time. 

Because his brain doesn't rest, he often finds himself in a space he can't explain. He gets down on himself often, and finds it hard to be motivated to do things. While he struggles through these endless emotions, we have to remind ourselves that what he is experiencing is less him and more about this thing called depression.

The Huffington Post article was a good reminder to me that I can't expect my sweetheart to get up and get going and put his depression behind him. There are things that he can't explain because all he knows and understands is how he is feeling - and that feeling is often not something he can control. 

The articles states, "...despite the staggering evidence and rhetoric aimed at helping people understand, many people still don't get that being diagnosed with a mental illness isn't something that's in their control -- just like having the flu, or food poisoning, or cancer isn't in their control."

I will have more to say about this, but for the time, I wanted to also share this cartoon as seen in the same article. The graphic is illustrated by www.robot-hugs.com.

Where Did Your Attention Go?

Background: I am a spouse with an amazing husband who happens to have ADHD

As alluded to in my last post, after we were married, there were things that changed almost immediately. After the one week honeymoon was over, we got back to real life and that is when I started to notice some dramatic changes. Over the course of a couple weeks being back in our small apartment in Virginia - the weight of life became my sweethearts reality.

At the time, I didn't know what was happening. In retrospect, I saw that there were several life-changing things that led to this 'crash' including: 

1. My sweetheart and I met while he was doing summer sales. This means he was only supposed to have been in Virginia for a short period of time. However, we met and fell in love, and continued our courtship when he was originally planning on going back to Idaho to complete his schooling. Imagine having somewhat of a life plan that took you away from family, and doing something you felt so right about, only to have it all changed within a short period of time. He sacrificed a lot for love - something I respect him for.
2. Along with the move to Virginia, he moved physical locations twice. One move alone is enough to drive anyone up the wall, but he moved twice in a matter of 6 months.
3. The question of "what am I going to do with my life now" was constantly on his mind. The almost immediate responsibility of being the 'head of a household' was very real and daunting. He went from having a plan to graduate from BYU-Idaho, to being across the country trying to figure out what to do.

What I Mean When I Say Crash

As a newlywed, I would come home so excited to see my sweetheart, hoping to get several kisses, and spending quality time with one another at night cooking, cleaning, R&R, working out, doing grocery shopping together - oh, I was so excited to be a newlywed couple. 

The fact was, I would often come home, my sweetheart would be frazzled, wouldn't want to leave the house, and would really have nothing to do with me or us. I often found myself leading a single life even though we were married. Here were some things I didn't expect:

• He would often break down if I asked him to accompany me to do anything.
• He hated the cooking process. There was always something wrong when I would cook dinner: The shelves in our apartment were too loud, and even when I tried silencing them, they were heard being opened and closed from outside our apartment. The smells were often too much. Without ventilation in the house, it was easy for smells in the kitchen to permeate the room. As the chef, I enjoyed those smells, but they were often too much for my sweetheart.
• I would often eat alone. The sound of munching on food was too much for him, and we would often end up fighting about it.
• I often felt ignored, ended up doing most of the chores around the house. If I mentioned chores, he would get angry and pout for the rest of the day - as if he were a little child and I had just scolded him or something.
• When I wanted to be close to him in intimate ways, my requests were often not fulfilled. You can imagine what it felt like being in this situation.

After re-reading this list, it makes it sound like my sweetheart is this terrible person, but he wasn't and isn't. As alluded to in my other post, I had certain expectations during these experiences that made this newlywed situation even worse. My reaction to his sensitivities made the situation almost unbearable, and my heart was broken because I didn't know how to be.

It is Not Him, it's My Reaction and That Thing Called ADHD

Being a proud, stubborn, passionate woman - I found myself getting angry with my sweetheart for these sensitivities, blaming it on the fact that he hadn't lived in such close proximity to a woman, and he just needed to suck it up and learn how to be patient (the way I learned to be patient having worked on this attribute almost my whole life - yeah right). 

In addition to getting angry with him instead of trying to understand him, it was easy for me to ask: Why is he being this way? Why can't he just be patient with me? Is this just normal newlywed stuff? What am I doing wrong? What could I do better? Is it me? Did I make the biggest mistake of my life, I can't even make us a meal without a fight? Amy I really that needy?

There were other things that I won't dive into, but I think the situation that hurt me the most is losing the attention he gave me when we were dating. Where did it go?

After a couple months of feeling neglected, having constant anger, harboring resentment, having endless nights of fighting, ending up prostrate on the ground praying that it would get better, that I could understand, that he could love me again, it became apparent that something else was going on - beyond just sticking two people with very different lives and history together. 

Over the course of this experience, we really started to look at a previous diagnoses that we thought contributed to his focus at school, realizing that this was just the beginning of understanding what adult ADHD really meant.

As the researcher I am, I purchased two books that, admittedly, I still have not completed, but was the impetus for me understanding certain coping mechanisms, and that made me start thinking that I DIDN'T make the biggest mistake of my life. 

After reading several reviews, and reading more about these authors, I purchased the books:

The ADHD Effect on Marriage, by Melissa Orlov

Is it You, Me, or Adult ADD, by Gena Pera

In addition, Melissa Orlov has a blog that helped me in this pursuit of trying to understand better and be better in my relationships with my sweetheart. There was one blog article in particular that really hit home for me within the first 6 months of being married.

Feeling  Ignored - the Non-ADHD Spouse Dilemma

QUOTE

• The start of the relationship is exciting and very focused, for the ADHD spouse is "hyperfocusing" on you and you feel amazed and excited that someone cares that much about you

• The relationship can change its character rather sharply as the ADHD person loses focus.  The non-ADHD spouse becomes confused and begins to feel ignored.  This generates frustration and resentment

• This frustration leads to anger, particularly when the ADHD spouse does not respond to criticism that he is ignoring you

• The non-ADHD spouse, particularly if this is a woman, ends up with all the scut work around the house, feeling like the maid, rather than a cherished wife.  This leads to arguments, nagging and further anger

• The relationship goes in an up-and-down, seesaw sort of pattern as there are longer and longer periods when resentment and anger are the predominant feeling punctuated by spurts of great fun, energy and togetherness

The issue was really two-fold:  First, he really wasn't as focused on me as he had been.  Second, in my response to this I made the assumption that his lack of "interest" in me was due to the fact that he didn't like to be with me as much as he had previously.

END QUOTE

I can't tell you the relief I felt after reading this article. This woman just described my situation. The realization that there was something else going on in our marriage contributing to its dysfunction was one of those moments where I can only express gratitude.

It wasn't entirely that I lacked patience, or that I was too needy. It wasn't that my sweetheart hated me, or didn't love me anymore, or that he didn't want to be with me. I wasn't being punished for my lack of trust or faith in Heavenly Father. It boiled down partially to ADHD, and partially to our reactions - which always escalated beyond a level that was emotionally stable.

The article continues:

"Most frequently, even though it doesn't feel this way to the non-ADHD spouse, the ADHD spouse is not intentionally ignoring his partner. My husband and I went through this exact pattern (and more!) and he could never understand why I felt so ignored by him at the outset of this pattern (which started almost as soon as we moved from courtship into marriage).  In his own mind he loved me just as much as he had before, and because he was just following what was interesting him at the time (often the computer) he didn't realize just how dramatically different our relationship became once he stopped hyperfocusing on me.  I could tell him that his actions affected me in a negative way, but he just didn't get it because they didn't seem to be affecting him (they were, of course, because my response to his actions was to be angry with him, but he didn't connect this cause/effect yet)


...in my response to this I made the assumption that his lack of "interest" in me was due to the fact that he didn't like to be with me as much as he had previously.  In this scenario, my response to his actions was at least as hurtful to our relationship as his initial lack of attention.  And, because I assumed the worst (he didn't love me as much) I approached in about the problem in a resentful and angry way.  My approach - "why don't you pay attention to me any more?"; "why don't you listen to me?"; "why don't you ever bother to take me out any more?" made me hard to deal with...and suddenly he, too, was with a person whom he didn't really recognize.  As far as he was concerned, I was attacking him simply for being him, and he didn't like it much."


Conclusion

It was as if a bright light came on. I needed to look at our situation in a new way. I needed to stop being so angry with my sweetheart, and recognize him for the man I married. I needed to understand realistic needs, and develop more patience through this process of learning. That is where it started. There are so many other things I also needed to learn to make this work. 

I knew I wouldn't be able to make it through without a constant relationship with my Heavenly Father. I couldn't expect to understand the situation, and my role in it if I didn't have the enlightenment of heavenly help. I also understood that if the marriage was going to work that we needed to work together with a renewed commitment to understand and be patient with one another. 

This is where the learning all began.

I am a Spouse of an Amazing Husband who Happens to have ADHD

For fear of not wanting to offend my sweetheart in any way, I held this close to me for a long time. After much prayer and consideration, and talking it over with my sweetheart, I have decided to post about my experience so far.

Over the course of our first year, here are the beginnings of what I observed and learned as a spouse with an amazing husband who has ADHD:

• Dating someone whose attention was unwavering during the dating process
• Knowing that the person I was dating had ADHD tendencies, but nothing that sent up red flags that would prevent us from being married for all eternity
• Marrying my (at the time) attentive sweetheart and underestimating how ADHD would impact my marriage, in both negative and positive ways
• Struggling to understand how to have a lasting relationship, with someone whose tendencies changed - meaning the dynamic of the relationship changed
• Trying to figure out how to be a wife and have a lasting relationship at the same time, only having had other relationships that ended less than 7 months
• Separating the idea that he is not his ADHD, and that my reactions to consequences of his ADHD contribute just as much to the inconsistencies and hard times in our marriage
• Learning that ADHD is more than just a hyperactivity - the message we are given, which becomes our perception when children are diagnosed with ADHD at a young age 

Everyone told me the first year of marriage would be hard. BUT, I didn't realize the emotional roller coaster we were in for. My sweetheart and I talk to people about our journey frequently because we know there may be others out there struggling with the same thing. 

Before I go on, it is important to understand that everyone experiences and deals with these issues a lot differently. That is the beauty of being an individual person with individual emotions and needs.

Over the course of the next several weeks, I am finally comfortable sharing my journey, because I am finally at an emotionally healthy place to speak about these things more objectively and with hope, than if I would have one year ago. 

One year ago, I was ready to give up. Some may consider this last statement as a sign of weakness, or that I am dramatizing my experience, and you know what - it was and is still a struggle I deal with all the time. My parents always said I was an over sensitive person, and I own that. What I share is real to me and my individuality.

I do not mind that you may consider me to be a weak person. I know myself well enough to understand that it is through my weaknesses that I can also find strength. I know that my weaknesses contribute to these trials I have, but I also know they give me the fortitude to turn to a loving Heavenly Father who has helped me (and us) immensely during this time. 

My hope is that I will be able to continue to heal and learn as I share my experiences. I also hope that if you find yourself in similar situations that you figure out what works for you by doing research, observing, keeping the faith, and turning to a God who loves you.

Provoking Articles, Part 2: Are We Creating Risk Adversed Children, Pampering Them Too Much, Taking Away Their Creativity?

The Overprotected Kid, by Hannah Rosin

Interesting Quote(s)

"Actions that would have been considered paranoid in the ’70s—walking third-graders to school, forbidding your kid to play ball in the street, going down the slide with your child in your lap—are now routine. In fact, they are the markers of good, responsible parenting."

"When you ask parents why they are more protective than their parents were, they might answer that the world is more dangerous than it was when they were growing up. But this isn’t true, or at least not in the way that we think. For example, parents now routinely tell their children never to talk to strangers, even though all available evidence suggests that children have about the same (very slim) chance of being abducted by a stranger as they did a generation ago. Maybe the real question is, how did these fears come to have such a hold over us? And what have our children lost—and gained—as we’ve succumbed to them? "

"In recent years, Joe Frost, Sweeney’s old partner in the safety crusade, has become concerned that maybe we have gone too far [in creating safety policies for playgrounds, etc]. In a 2006 paper, he gives the example of two parents who sued when their child fell over a stump in a small redwood forest that was part of a playground. They had a basis for the lawsuit. After all, the latest safety handbook advises designers to “look out for tripping hazards, like exposed concrete footings, tree stumps, and rocks.” But adults have come to the mistaken view “that children must somehow be sheltered from all risks of injury,” Frost writes. “In the real world, life is filled with risks—financial, physical, emotional, social—and reasonable risks are essential for children’s healthy development.”"

"At the core of the safety obsession is a view of children that is..., “an idea that children are too fragile or unintelligent to assess the risk of any given situation,” argues Tim Gill, the author of No Fear, a critique of our risk-averse society. “Now our working assumption is that children cannot be trusted to find their way around tricky physical or social and emotional situations.”"

My Opinion

I recall hanging out with my bestie and her children. I have always admired her parenting style, and hope I can live up to it one day. She is very relaxed in her parenting style, in that she lets her kids be kids. For example, if her kids are playing outside and one stands on a wall, she will warn that they could fall, but ultimately leaves it up to them whether or not they want to pursue this behavior. Of course if the fall was extremely dangerous, she would - of course - rescue them. The point is, she will warn them and then let them experience what it could be like to 'conquer the wall' or 'fall off.' Sure, the repercussions of falling means tears, potential scrapes, etc., but she doesn't rush over and stop her kids from being adventurous.


As I write this, I can't help but do a quick check on the "political correctness" of my statements. I am not saying that parents shouldn't rescue kids who are doing super dangerous things. All I am saying is by nature we want to protect our children from harm...any harm. Allowing them to fall gives them the experience they need to learn from their mistakes, pick themselves up, enhance creativity, overcome fear, defend themselves, and learn how to be independent.

Another favorite quote from the article: "Children are born with the instinct to take risks in play, because historically, learning to negotiate risk has been crucial to survival; in another era, they would have had to learn to run from some danger, defend themselves from others, be independent. Even today, growing up is a process of managing fears and learning to arrive at sound decisions. By engaging in risky play, children are effectively subjecting themselves to a form of exposure therapy, in which they force themselves to do the thing they’re afraid of in order to overcome their fear. But if they never go through that process, the fear can turn into a phobia."

School Ditches Rules on Bullies, by TV NZ One News

Interesting Quote(s)

"Chaos may reign at Swanson Primary School with children climbing trees, riding skateboards and playing bullrush during playtime, but surprisingly the students don't cause bedlam, the principal says."

"The school is actually seeing a drop in bullying, serious injuries and vandalism, while concentration levels in class are increasing."

"Principal Bruce McLachlan rid the school of playtime rules as part of a successful university experiment."

"We want kids to be safe and to look after them, but we end up wrapping them in cotton wool when in fact they should be able to fall over."

"Mudslides, skateboarding, bullrush and tree climbing kept the children so occupied the school no longer needed a timeout area or as many teachers on patrol."

"Instead of a playground, children used their imagination to play in a "loose parts pit" which contained junk such as wood, tyres and an old fire hose."

"The kids were motivated, busy and engaged. In my experience, the time children get into trouble is when they are not busy, motivated and engaged. It's during that time they bully other kids, graffiti or wreck things around the school."

"The great paradox of cotton-woolling children is it's more dangerous in the long-run."

"Society's obsession with protecting children ignores the benefits of risk-taking."
"Children develop the frontal lobe of their brain when taking risks, meaning they work out consequences. "You can't teach them that. They have to learn risk on their own terms. It doesn't develop by watching TV, they have to get out there." "

My Opinion
 
In my last article post, I discussed letting kids be kids and the risks we take (as parents, teachers, guardians, etc.) when we pamper our kids. By not letting our kids engage in "kid" activities, we are taking away their ability to learn how to work out problems - even social issues.

This experiment demonstrates the psychological benefits of letting kids be kids. Right now, traditional education means sitting for hours inside a classroom with little physical activity. While this may be stimulating for some children, it is not for others. It is not a secret that education experts have been tackling the issue of attention in the classroom. When my parents moved and enrolled my little brother in a new elementary school, I was shocked to hear that they only had 30 minutes of recess and ZERO physical education classes.

It is no wonder I read an article everyday about how students aren't meeting testing scores, and that ADHD is a common diagnoses for hyperactive children expected to sit for hours in non-physically stimulating classrooms. I digress.

I was happy to read in this article that by exposing students to unorthodox playtime, there was evidence of advancement in both physical and mental aspects. This letting kids be kids thing can go a long way, don't you agree?

I'm Done Making My Kid's Childhood Magical, by Bummi Laditan in the Huffington Post 

Interesting Quote(s)

"Today, parents are being fed the idea that it benefits children to constantly be hand in hand, face to face, "What do you need my precious darling? How can I make your childhood amazing?""

"Parents do not make childhood magical. Abuse and gross neglect can mar it, of course, but for the average child, the magic is something inherent to the age. Seeing the world through innocent eyes is magical. Experiencing winter and playing in the snow as a 5-year-old is magical. Getting lost in your toys on the floor of your family room is magical. Collecting rocks and keeping them in your pockets is magical. Walking with a branch is magical."

"It is not our responsibility to manufacture contrived memories on a daily basis."

"None of this negates the importance of time spent as a family, but there is a huge difference between focusing on being together and focusing on the construction of an "activity." One feels forced and is based on a pre-determined goal, while the other is more natural and relaxed. The immense pressure that parents put on themselves to create ethereal experiences is tangible." 

"When we make life a grand production, our children become audience members and their appetite for entertainment grows. Are we creating a generation of people who cannot find the beauty in the mundane?"

"Do we want to teach our children that the magic of life is something that comes beautifully gift-wrapped -- or that magic is something you discover on your own?
Planning elaborate events, daily crafts, and expensive vacations isn't harmful for children. But if the desire to do so comes from a place of pressure or even a belief that the aforementioned are a necessary part of one's youth, it's time to reevaluate."

My Opinion

In DC I had the awesome opportunity to know several peer nanny's. I asked some of them the question: do the kids expect you to entertain them all day? I have also asked several of my mom friends if their children demand their attention, or if they are keen on playing by themselves? I had various responses to this question, but the majority told me that the children expected their undivided attention. 

In Virginia, we had three little girls who lived in our building. They would often stop by to say hello, and ask if we could come play. We loved their parents and told them that one day we would love to have them over to play. So, we set a play date. The goal was to paint nails, do hair and make-up and watch a movie of their choice equaling up to 2 hours of fun. 

Not even 10 minutes through, all the girls' nails were done, they didn't want to do make-up, and the movie was in. No lie, within 20 minutes, they said, "what are we going to do now?" You mean the activity I planned that was supposed to take 2 hours isn't adequate enough? I had run out of ideas. 40 minutes into our play date, they all went home. They were starved for more entertainment - I just couldn't deliver.

In my babysitting experience, I am used to watching several children at once. I find the most satisfaction watching children who use their imaginations to create festive tea parties, create entire populaces full of princesses, build a city that could be destroyed and re-built for hours and hours, and enjoy the children who didn't demand my entire attention - especially when there is more than one child. When there is more than one child demanding my attention, which I truly want to give because I love all the kids I watch, it is tough. 

I agree that families should have fun, productive time together. However, becoming a constant entertainer is overwhelming. What do you do to let your child discover their independence in play?

"It" Does Not Define Me

I HATE depression. I hate what It does to my loved one's. I hate what It does to me. How do I make my HATE of this THING, this It, disappear? Do I educate myself on It? Do I cry and cry, and cry, hoping that my tears will heal It? How do I rely on Jesus Christ to fix what is broken? 

I ask these questions....and then I do it all, and in the end, I am exhausted - my hope droops, my heart feels like the Grinches' puny one before it gets big - I get angry, I feel weak, I feel faithless, I become someone I am not.
 
At the first sign of trouble, I wanted to educate myself on depression, but found that I was too far removed to do so. What was the point of educating myself on It if the one person I love the most is so deep in It to want out? What good will it do to have answers or potential solutions when the strain It wreaks of the feeling of inadequacy?

Just as the water comes up to take me down to its depths, things start looking good. The water becomes smooth as if there was never a storm. I begin to swim and to relax and play in the water. 

Then the storm hits, and I struggle against it and fight hard. Sometimes a lifeboat comes to rescue me. Sometimes, I am strong enough to defeat the storm and stay afloat. Sometimes I take quite a beating and wait it out until the storm is over. This time, the water almost won. That is when I decided it was time.

I begin my research. I want to destroy It....and I want to defeat the storm. 

The blog: Focus on the Family: How to Help When Your Spouse is Depressed, shares a story about a couple who managed to make it work, through It. The article tells the story of Sandra who went to see a doctor about her sudden and abrupt bought of depression, she shares,"Tim and I were both raised to believe that true Christians were happy, thankful people. I was convinced that my misery was caused by a lack of faith, not a medical condition. But truthfully, I wasn't sure which option scared me more. I couldn't even bring myself to tell Tim that the doctor had called my mental health into question."

Over the next few months, Sandra tried to bury her secret — but her sorrow was too pervasive to hide. Their frightened children began asking what was wrong with Mom. 

In the meantime, Tim admits his concern turned to frustration. "I'd ask again and again what was wrong, but she never had an answer," he says. "Not only was I aggravated by my feelings of helplessness, I was angry the life I'd worked so hard to provide wasn't enough to make her happy." 

"And the more angry he got, the more he'd withdraw from me," Sandra adds. "Then I'd feel guilty and withdraw even more. We just kept drifting further apart." 

Despite her efforts to pray during that time, Sandra admits she found it almost impossible to muster the strength or the words. She felt she was not only losing her mind and her family, but now even God had abandoned her."

Then the article then states these beautiful words, BEGIN QUOTE:

 
Preparing Yourself to Help Your Loved One

Flight attendants always tell you to put on your own oxygen mask before helping someone next to you. In the same way, it's important to prepare yourself before attempting to assist others when a spouse is depressed. Deep sorrow can be infectious, and it's not uncommon for caregivers to develop symptoms of depression themselves. Guard against this possibility by eating well, exercising, getting enough sleep, and staying in the Word.

Also keep an eye on your kids. Children are often vulnerable to a parent's anxiety. One study indicates that 20% of 10-year-olds whose mothers suffered from depression were themselves victims within five years.

Don't underestimate the value of caring friends and family at times like this. Let loved ones help you with day-to-day tasks, and allow them to listen to and pray with you. The surest way to intensify your struggle is to isolate yourself and your immediate family from those who love you. 
 

Reaching Out to Your Spouse

When a care-giver understands that clinical depression is a genuine medical condition, he or she may actually feel empowered. It's encouraging to realize there are a number of tangible ways to help a spouse who is depressed:

DO

• Pray fervently with and for them.
• Share meaningful Scripture verses.
• Help them see that the family needs them to get well.
• Listen; give credibility to their feelings.
• Seek help for yourself and offer to see a therapist with them.
• Encourage them to consider medication; research shows that 80% of those suffering from depressive disorders can be treated successfully with modern medications.
• Show affection; encourage them to get out and do things with you.

DON'T

• Tell your loved one to just pray about it or make them feel like healing would come if they'd simply trust God more.
• Make them feel guilty for the impact of their illness on the family.
• Blame or criticize them.
• Imply that they need help because they're weak. Also, don't immediately exclude other family members from counseling. Sometimes, complex relational issues involving several family members can spark depression.
• Expect medication to solve everything. Also, don't discount the need for prayer — and possibly therapy.
• Let them continue in a pattern of sleep and isolation.

END QUOTE

While It does not define me or my sweetheart, the experience certainly does and will. Now you know....and now you can share what you have learned with me. 

Maybe this article and your advice will be the floating device I need to win over the storm this time. With helpful Do's and Don't's maybe, just maybe things will get better. Maybe that will be us sitting on the porch swing holding hands. Thinking about the future like this again gives me joy, even if only fleeting. It gives me hope, even if only a sliver. 


 

Misconceptions on "Disorders": Educating Myself

I have been reading up on behavioral disorders. To be honest, people who have behavioral issues frighten me. Fear contributes to my unhappiness, and one way to combat this is to educate myself on what I am afraid of. I have not been able to dive fully into it yet, but I found some pretty awesome videos that helped me understand this disorder a little more.





I found this particular video through a blog called: Time to change.

I also watched a series of videos following a family whose daughter was diagnosed with schizophrenia. It was very interesting to see what accommodations the family made for their child and the struggles they go through to understand the issue. I found the whole process amazing, and really value the parents for wanting the best things for their daughter.










I don't know that I was looking for any definitive answers when doing research on these areas, so I haven't provided anything conclusive. However, I do think it is important for me to educate myself about this to try to eliminate any fear of something I don't understand.