Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Anxiety or Awareness?

On the drive from Alexandria, VA to Rexburg, ID, I can't say that I followed my commandments super well. The drive itself was not necessarily terrible. Although looking back I can't believe how risky and crazy my mom and I were for driving through storms of ice, wind, and snow. I wasn't super patient when driving across the country. I just wanted to get where I was going. I feel like a month was a little long for me to wait and wait and wait on all these life changes, right!?

The anxiety to 'need to get there now' is not new for me. If you recall, my desire to have outcomes available RIGHT NOW has been something I have been dealing with my entire adult life. Proof: my posts about Patience, and Notwithstanding My Weakness.

Just yesterday when I was looking at our finances, I knew that we were going to be hit with a HUGE moving bill, and that it would be a struggle to gain what we lost for this move. All of a sudden everything I had been focused on, all the good stuff, went out the window, and I just want to be back to where we were financially RIGHT NOW!

The good stuff went like this:
  • My sweetheart is so happy here - it is a night and day difference
  • The air in this part of the country is so good for our lungs
  • We have more time with each other instead of commuting everyday
  • The grocery store is literally 2 minutes for our apartment
  • I have a wonderful job with so much responsibility, autonomy, and flexibility
  • I am grateful for my company for taking a chance on me and my BIG ideas!
  • I love our apartment!
  • I love the community!
  • Gas is $3.08 at Maverick....OMGoodness, that's awesome 
  • We have hot water
  • We have enough food in our fridge for several meals...which means I get to be creative on what we eat
  • I have time to cook, workout, make the bed, do laundry, read, and sleep ALL outside of my work schedule!

The bad stuff went like this:
  • Why haven't we earned enough over the past year to feel secure now? 
  • We are so valuable and haven't been paid jack for our services!
  • If only he/I had better negotiation skills, maybe we would be earning more
  • If I were still single, I wouldn't have had to pay $1270 for rent plus utilities in DC, I could have paid $500 plus some change and saved a bazillion dollars
  • We can't have a child right now!! 
  • If only he/I didn't buy that one thing that cost a bazillion dollars, we could afford meat at the grocery store
  • Why haven't you sold that thing you wanted to sell online yet?
  • Do you really have to get an oil change, again? 
  • Yes, I NEED the hot air to be at 70 during the day!
Needless to say, my sweetheart heard it all. One minute I was laughing, having a good time with him. The next, I was on the floor bawling saying, "How in the world are we going to make it and save what we spent when there are constantly things that we owe? What more do we have to eliminate before I feel financially secure?" I realized that I am one of those people that may never feel secure. My sweetheart commented that his faith has sustained him when he is hit with these anxieties. Lucky. 

Am I an anxious person, or am I just SUPER aware? Yup, you are right, I am anxious....and we all remember what happens when I get anxious: Anxiety is not Happiness. In remembering my 13 commandments my very first one says, " It is what it is, embrace it, be grateful for it." Quoting myself from my blog post mentioned above, I need to remember, "At the end of the day, I have to remember that God intends that I am happy - that if I do my best, and have an active faith in Him, that things will work, and not necessarily in any way that I could have imagined."

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