My dad

The Family History Prompt this time was to talk about my dad. 

My dad....where do I even start? This could be a long post, but I will stay brief to those things that I remember the most...the things that rocked me and helped me become the person I am today.

Kisses and Love: I have photos of my dad loving me...and I love it! By love I mean, kisses, hugs, laughter, and gaze. There is no refuting the photos - he loved us kids.

I see my current sweetheart and the love he has for his children...and this was the way my dad loved me. He would kiss, hug, tickle - in a very appropriate way, as a loving father would. I remember watching him father his infant and toddler children - and he loved this phase of parenting. Well, infant parenting, maybe a little less, but he was responsible and helped where he could with the infants. With toddlers, he would laugh, play, and cuddle. He was always wary of allowing toddlers too much freedom, but loved when they discovered or came up with new ways of doing things. He didn't talk much, but watched them in this freedom. When he did talk to them/me, it would always be to try to get them to laugh. He would back away from them, start 'aahing' and come closer until he could surprise them, or tickle them into laughing. That is when I would hearing him genuinely laugh. Growing up, I didn't hear my dad laugh too frequently, but he would always laugh at a toddler's laughter....and that was a treat.

Seeing my dad as a grandpa has been so beautiful. He loves on my infant whenever he can. He helps when Baby #2 is screaming, and puts him in what I call "the magic hold" that only good grandpas know how to do. Tucked in next to his belly and under his armpit. The babies get so cozy, they fall asleep.

Parent Versus Friend: Understanding His Purpose in Life: In my teenage years, I remember my dad saying, "I am not here to love you, I am here to be your dad." At the time, I believe we were arguing and my go to was "But, don't you love me." At first, his comment stung. It hurt for many years, even after we resolved that particular conflict. In my youth, I couldn't recognize that what he was trying to do was offer his guidance by controlling the particular outcome - which was probably foolish for me at the time. 

As I have grown, changed, and become a mother, I have truly evaluated this moment that I remember so distinctly. Did it mean he didn't love me....of course not. What he was trying to do was teach me (even if his teaching could be viewed as flawed) the value of why he is here on earth. 

In my moments of parenting, a child doesn't get what they want, but what they need. My dad understands and understood that concept very well. He is very aware of his spiritual capacities and his responsibility toward raising a family in this Plan of Salvation. He has never questioned this part of his identity and has never waned from what could be a debilitating responsibility. He has taken it head-on. 

While I am not sure of the intimate spiritual connecting he has to Jesus Christ because he doesn't share this with us too much (most likely he keeps that sacred), I AM sure that he has a channel with Him - just because my dad IS so steady, so immovable in his testimony...and always has been

I feel like I could have a full blog about my dad, but I will stop at these two memories and will continue as time allows.

My Name

Question: What inspired your name? Were you named after anyone in particular?

Answer: My parents are movie people. I get my amazing taste in movies from them. As such, I am named after an actress. Not necessarily because they think she was the most amazing actress of her day, but because when they watched the show, they liked the name of both the actress and the character she played. I am named after Lindsay Wagner when she played a character named Jaime Summers in Bionic Showdown: The Six Million Dollar Man and the Bionic Woman, my sister's name. My parents decided to change the spelling of both names.

My middle name comes from my grandma Connie Rae Searle/Burton, whom I have never met. I cherish this name the most, and can't seem to part with it. There are varying feelings about what happened the day my grandma passed away when my mom was 9 - a lot of hurt, a lot of questions, a lot of 'what ifs' or 'if only's'.

This isn't my history with Connie. My history is knowing about an amazing woman through the eyes of my 9-year old mom.

I recently started watching our family movies, and had a chance to watch as grandma danced the percolator, giggling and laughing. Then it cuts to a scene at the beach with all the kids running around and grandma smiling and laughing. That is the woman my mom remembers. My mom also recalled how her mom would let them do 'experiments' in the kitchen. Messes were no matter. My mom said, "Mom loved being a mom and wanted her kids to experience everything they could, and to be kids....she was never really allowed to be a kid growing up."

I still get to hear little pieces of my grandma's history. I remember first hearing about her intentional drug overdose and not really understanding. I was so young but remember hearing the word 'suicide'. With my limited understanding, I made judgements and only equated her life with the memory of her unfortunate death - which was 'bad'. I don't recall exactly the moment where this woman became my hero. Perhaps it was in my sad moments and finally being able to concretely empathize with people who have a constant sadness...because I felt it. Perhaps it was when I attended a funeral of a friend who took their life. Perhaps it was when I heard a beautiful conference talk addressing similar matters and other matters of the sad heart. All I know - my tune has changed.

Regardless, I have come to so thoroughly love this woman I have never met, and feel like the memory of her life is not tragic, but complicated and beautiful. Stories of her life have allowed me to comprehend and recognize people for the good they bring to the world. 

Perhaps this is a sugar-coated view of what could be viewed as true tragedy, but - in quoting from Smallville (my current Hulu-binge) - "I prefer to seek the good in people." 

And that is why my middle name stays, and why it will also be the namesake for my first little girl. The hope is that she too will be able to carry this on, if she chooses.

Rain in the Desert: a Memory

The smell of water on unadulterated dirt - seeping in and pouring out a fresh scent of life. The temperature changing 10 degrees cooler. The wind rustling sage bushes, swirling around trying to catch anything, but there wasn't anything to catch, so it swirled to and fro.

My family and I sit on our back porch, drinking peach shakes. Lighting strikes, and audible ooh's and aah's echo in the wind. Some come quick like the sound of a firework, others fade and rumble ever so slightly over 2-3 minutes. Sometimes the storm lasts for a couple hours. More often, it  comes and goes, leaving a fresh scent of newly watered earth.

There was always a certain silence after a storm. Sometimes we sat and enjoyed it as we licked the remnants of our shakes.

I heard once that our memories can start to combine, and the truth of the moment shifts over time. When speaking to my siblings, they each remember those times as vividly as I do, except the youngest. My memory of these storms and our family time together has certainly altered. Yet, the description of the events hold true. 

In my recollection, I know that we didn't sit outside for every storm.

In this way, I am grateful for my memory; for the fact that all the storms combined, because I will cherish them forever.

Now I am married and have a baby. Trying to instill this excitement in my sweetheart has been hard to do, because his memories of a storm are very different than mine. When I see thunder clouds coming in, I check my freezer for vanilla bean ice cream and my refrigerator and pantry for peaches, any peaches, so we can relive those moments.

I open all the blinds and pray that one day I will have a porch to sit on where I can watch as we did when I was younger. We don't get very many thunder and lightning storms in Idaho, but when we do, I have relished them.

I still ooh and aah. The hope is that my son will be able to create those memories with me. 

It is truly amazing what the mind and memories can do for the present. If only I could bring those times back and relive them. It seems we are constantly busy....too busy to enjoy these small moments in time. And so I will strive to bring this small little joy to my family and hope that one day, they will have a similar memory.

But if not, helping them create a memory of their very own that reminds them of rain will suffice.

I Cry Every Time My Mom Leaves

My babysitter was unable to watch Little Bundle, and we needed to find someone to watch him for two weeks. I called my mom and she gladly volunteered. She flew here from California and not only took care of Little Bundle, but took care of me in ways she doesn't know. 

In trying to navigate my relationship with My Sweetheart, my heart is often left sore. It is hard when one moment of darkness in our relationship - because of My Sweetheart's depression - feels like a lifetime. 

Mothers and Daughters by Alina Chau

I am frequently left alone to figure out my role, separate his reactions and mood from anything I may or may not have done, and try to stay positive for me and for Little Bundle. It is hard, and most moments I fail to find beauty or joy in the journey. I hate what depression does to him. I hate, also, how I react to his depression.

But then my mom comes to town. She is so gracious, amazing, and wonderful. I ended up getting really sick while she was here, and she took care of Little Bundle, My Sweetheart, me, and housework, allowing me time to rest so I could heal in more ways than one. She gave me strength just by being here. 

I never feel a lack of being wanted or needed when I am with her. I always feel loved and cared for. Her service helps me through the dark moments of my marriage - and remember who I really am, where I come from, and the strong woman I have become.

In those dark moments, I tend to forget those things about myself. Yet, having someone I am close with, who knows the real me, and gets me, helps me overcome the dark moments and remember.

And so, I cry every time my mom leaves. 

Taking Time to Ponder: Being OK With Where I Am

Remember my last post - where I talked about spending time with Little Bundle? Over the course of the last several months, Little Bundle learned to crawl, eats solids (wahoo), and is very curious. I love seeing this development and growth in him. It keeps us both busy...and I like it that way.

One thing I am still learning though, is being able to accomplish the goals I have made...and have broken, and made again, but still be able to be with Little Bundle. I am not sure what this looks like yet, and don't have any advice for what to do to have a balanced life.

But I can say that today, while listening to Marfa Lights 1 by Deuter, I looked out my window and just looked. I breathed in deep breaths. I raised my standing desk and stood. I stretched and lengthened. I pondered. Really pondered.

I have been thinking about what's next for me lately. Often when I start thinking too far ahead, I don't see the Lord working miracles in my life because I end up getting nervous and anxious. I start doing things out of context and stepping on a lot of toes in the process. 

Two days ago I listened to this great BYU devotional talk about women, perseverance, education, direction, persistence, and devotion to God. The message was beautiful and clear. At a different point in my life, I could have been empowered by it. But this time, I needed to disregard it in order to keep my mind sound and open. I finally feel like I am in a good place. I am not saying that I am too content (because being content is sometimes not a good thing). I am saying that I am in a good place emotionally, spiritually...ok, maybe not physically (but I have accepted this). 

When I start questioning where I am, or the next step, I start going faster than I have strength, and end up crashing hard. Crashing hard hurts. It has taken almost my whole life to finally figure out that I will get to where I need to at the time and pace that I need to - and that God is more than happy with that. For those of us who already burden ourselves with "I am not good enough" or "I am never happy until...." I have found that it is better to allow the Lord's plans to unfold, instead of trying to unfold them too early.

That is why I am happy with where I am. I want to take this time to ponder, but not have anxiety. I want to be ok with the fact that I am still growing, and I know that it won't be as painful because I am taking a step back. 

• I have plans to pursue my PhD, but not right now.
• I spot clean until I have time to deep clean, because I would rather spend time with Little Bundle.
• I choose to eat as healthy as I can, go on walks, and live an active lifestyle....with Little Bundle in mind....but am not overly concerned about my baby weight and trying to lose it.
• I choose to stay in my marriage in spite of all those around me that see so many things that could be improved, or that they deem as "wrong".
• I am happy with my current work position and find joy with my team and who I serve. Sure I am interested in progress and upward movement, but not right now.
• Sure I wish I had enough energy at the end of the day to blog, read, plan meals, etc. And eventually I will start to bring these things back into my life, but not as full force as I have in the past. And I am OK with that.
• I will take the time to have 10 minutes of ponder time a day. Perhaps in the morning at work, just like today - where I can remind myself that my life is wonderful.

It is remarkable how many times I have to tell myself that I am OK with where I am in life. Admittedly, this time around has been less painful and enjoyable....and it has taken a long time for me to get to this point.

Go me.

AND Go YOU, all my amazing anxiously engaged friends,...if you have been able to get to this point too.

What Can I Do For You?

Today during a meeting, someone asked me "What can we do for you?" As someone who has stewardship over my team, it is not typical that someone asks what they can do for me. It was refreshing, and I was a little misty-eyed. It is so nice to work with a team who understands the value of service, and understands the value of teamwork. 

It is easy to go forward presenting issues and solutions to help the overall mission, and it is rare that I think, "What do I need help with?" I found myself stumbling on how to respond.

I got thinking - I have been so busy focusing on getting issues that I could resolve, solved, that I haven't thought about how to receive help along the way. I should also explain that I also feel like I know how to delegate, which is why I have two members of my team that are more like counselors than anything that I ask for help. I also feel like I have created a great work balance in being able to accomplish immediate tasks, as well as focus on important goals. AND I don't know that this is pride, so much as it is that I really don't have time to think about it. I am just trying to help my team move forward.

At the end of the day it was so nice to hear someone ask, "What can we do for you?" 

Thank you!

Merry Christmas!

We have so much to be grateful for this year. In reflection, I can think of no better place to be. Here are a couple highlights.

• We moved to Rexburg, Idaho so Adam could finish his schooling at BYU-Idaho. Adam is studying Health Science with a
  
  Promotional Emphasis and has decided to go on the Physician Assistant track. I will never forget the kindness of my friends in DC helping us pack up and hosting me as Adam and I were apart in January until I could make the move. Shout out to my mom for being my driving companion through the most snowy, hazardous time to drive across the country. We are so risky!!

• I was fully employed by the company
  
  I worked with in Virginia working as the Corporate Social Responsibility Team Lead where I developed a project plan to enhance community relations and employee engagement at DMI. I was able to work from home, and kept strict hours, was able to get in a daily workout, and cooked food everyday. Unfortunately, my employment came to a close with a shift in corporate direction. I will never forget the opportunity to grow in this position and take charge of something I cared about. I will forever be grateful to DMI for this opportunity, and still respect the people in the company and what they are trying to accomplish.


• I immediately retained another position at Accelas Solutions, a company specializing in integration and configuration of Oracle's CRM software. I recognize the blessings associated with this position, as we were unsure of the opportunities in the area. My sweetheart's simple testimony and faith of our future is what sustained me through this change. It was only one week that I did not have a job, and we see the Lord's hand in our speedy recovery from unemployment. This job challenged me in ways that helped me grow and learn. I had the opportunity to lead projects, become familiar with a new software tool, work with IT specialists on the other side of things, and develop business processes - something that I love to do.


• We have an amazing church family.
  
  I was called to work with the Young Women and bounced around with the different age groups (12-17 year olds). They quickly became my family, and I am grateful for all those crazies! I am constantly strengthened by their faith, and admire how they handle all the battles they have to fight, and do EVERYTHING they do. Adam serves as a Ward Missionary. He knew even before he was asked, and loves the opportunity to teach Sunday lessons, and make visits to people in our church. I have seen his faith revitalized and strengthened by unique experiences too special to talk about. We have been adopted by some church parents and love being with and spending time with them and their families.


• Adam is a straight-A student. With some of the difficulties revealed in earlier posts, my amazing sweetheart was able to keep his grades up. I can't tell you the joy I feel seeing him grin as he showed me his grades after finals last semester. He has a brilliant mind and perseverance unlike any I have ever seen. He is off taking two test today, and I know he will do well!


• FAMILY, DISNEYLAND and Sea World!
  
  Adam and I got to hang with the family at Disneyland and Sea World. Most of you know my parents get rather giddy when it comes to all things Disney. Keeping up with them through the theme parks was crazy, and we had to "caffeinate" as much as possible with a major crash at night! It was a perfect break for us as we bounced from ride to ride, making our fast pass strategy better and better. PS: that tall guy is my bro, Bryan....crazy!


• Adam helped run a
  
  Blood Drive for BYU-Idaho.He and some others in his program decided to work with the Red Cross to have a 6-day blood drive. They were able to secure hundreds of donors and met their goal by a stunning margin (I don't have the numbers, but trust me, they succeeded with flying colors). It was a stressful process, but in the end it was a kind of work to be proud of.


• Being so close to Brendon. I love that my B lives so close to us. A 3 hour drive later, and good times are had by all! This year we rocked it at the Def Leppard/KISS concert. It was our anniversary of sorts since having taken him to his first rock concert in Vegas before his mission. Fun times are had in the good ole SLC
  
  as he became my bosom traveling and visiting companion and accompanied me on many excursions to visit friends and family. We also hit up the Body World exhibit, ate at amazing restaurants like Caffe Molise, walked around the SLC temple to see the Christmas lights, saw Piano Guys (see this amazing Christmas video) in concert, went to see Dracula at the Desert Star Theater, I could go on and on. I love this guy....he rocks my world!


• Being with amazing friends. We have had several visitor's (you know who you are) to this frozen little tundra. Actually, we love summer and spring in this amazing place, and had a chance to be with great friends and family as we hiked, boated, toured, and ate. Our experience here is phenomenal...we are in love!


• Adam learned how to play the piano. I don't know if he wanted me to share that, but his skill has grown immensely and he has dreams of being able to play songs like "All of Me." He excelled in every way, and I was impressed by his perseverance and endurance through the hard task of combining two hands together to make music!


• I am blessed to work at BYU-Idaho. After reviewing my purpose statement on my business blog kablaucommunications.com, I can finally say I have my dream job. I am doing what I am passionate about. I never thought it would take me 6 years to get here, or that I would be directly working with students instead of influencing policy, but I made it, and I owe it all to God. I love what I do, and I love being a part of student's lives. I love my team and my supervisors. To write so little about the experience seems like I am cheapening it somehow, but I honestly cannot express how I feel about my current responsibilities.


• Adam's family tree is amazing. Did you know we are related to Daniel Boone? Adam and I have been working on family history to boot! We have been able to find some amazing relatives and back up documentation on ancestry.com, and familysearch.org. Thanks to his aunt, we have photos to go with our tree and hope to continue this work. It is exhilarating knowing where he comes from and all those family members who worked so hard to create an amazing legacy, one of which I am I am proud to be a part of. PS: we are still working on this getting some logistics done, so don't worry - it is a work in progress :)

Most important of all, I know that Jesus Christ is Heavenly Father's son born of a virgin mother. I know He died and lives so that all of us can be with Him and our Father in Heaven again. His birth and life was divinely orchestrated. I hope each of you have been able to reflect on this past year to recognize the divine moments, as I have. 

Adam and I are truly blessed and grateful beyond measure.

Enjoy this amazing video: He is the Gift~

 

I Love Mixing Religion with Work!

As you may know, I was recently employed with Brigham Young University-Idaho. Over the course of the past couple months, I have grown in ways I didn't think possible. I have been given opportunities to serve and be served, and it has made my heart beat in a way I didn't know was possible. I am living my dream. 

My purpose statement on Kablaucommunications.com is being fulfilled right now. Remember how hard it was for me to get here? It took me 6 years to get my dream job, and the experiences along the way have been invaluable. 

But this post isn't about what I did to get here. This post is about how I have the chance to feel the Spirit of God everyday. Today, for example, I was blessed to have two incredibly unique experiences. While they are special to me, I will not share details, but I can share some things.

1. Happy crying makes me oh so happy. Today, I learned that I helped someone with something they have been struggling and praying about for a while. It is so awesome how the Spirit of God works so that I can help other people.
2. Topic of conversation revolves around God. There are not too many places where the topic in the office revolves around God. From understanding how we can make our office a better place to work, to wondering what to order for lunch - making decisions and most all our conversations here revolve around God and the principles of our faith. It is pretty amazing to go to a meeting where we pray that all the decisions we make will be the kinds of decisions God would like us to make.
3. I continue to learn new things. I am part of a family who practiced our faith since I was born. I decided to stay with my faith and developed faith in certain things as I have grown into adulthood. Even though I have been taught certain concepts and principles, I still learn new things everyday. For example, I learned about how prayer worked in the lives of students I spoke with as they were completing certain assignments. I am motivated by their stories and how God has worked in their lives. I learn so much from them and so much from others I work with all the time.

I am so blessed to work at such an incredible University where I know I am needed, and where I know I can grow and excel. My goals this year were to learn how to be a better leader, and I feel that this job is giving me what I need in order to learn and become better.

Yup...I live in Idaho

A steady stream of snow has been falling today. I wouldn't say in droves, but steady nonetheless. When we moved here, I told my sweetheart that I wouldn't complain about the weather - that I would embrace it because weather is just weather, right? No need to complain about something beyond my control....

While we have had to adjust the thermostat depending on who is home and what time of day it is, I feel like I am handling it like a champ!

Here is what I feel that I look like:

But here is what others see:

A Simple Thought

This struck me today.

Simple Thought, by Barbara Bush

"At the end of your life, you will never regret not having passed one more test, not winning one more verdict, or not closing one more deal. You will regret time not spent with a husband, a child, a friend, or a parent."

Online Quizzes: Yes, I Love Them

Upon letting everyone on Facebook know that I was designated Jean Grey from X-men based on an online quiz, I had a friend post "I don't, and recommend no one else ever take these "quizzes". They are all really attempts by "big data" to get you to divulge more personal information than you otherwise would. They make billions, and all you get for it is "knowing" which X-Woman "you are most like" (in " because its not like they put a lot of thought into it....that would cost more money and reduce their profits). Quit giving them this stuff for free..."

I appreciate his sentiment, but you know, I really like the quizzes....when they are done well. 

During my first job at The Summit Group Communications, I was asked to take a Predictive Index test, very similar to the Myers Briggs Type Test. It was amazing to read the results as they very clearly described some of my traits, how I reacted in certain situations, etc. I have always enjoyed taking them just to see their accuracy.

Today I took one, and I really liked the result. The quiz was, what classic novel would you be. This was my result."Empathetic and Family Oriented, E. B. White's CHARLOTTE'S WEB does a lovely job of describing your homey life. Kind and understanding, your are the epitome of empathy, and have a true gift for confiding in others. You tend to be an optimist, or try to be anyway, but have had your fair share of grievances. You are a rare individual in your ability to recognize that no one would be able to appreciate the good times, without having first experienced the bad."

I wasn't sure what direction I want to take this post. I even re-wrote it several times. I had statements like:

• Quizzes do not define me
• Even having taken Myers Briggs back in the day, the results would be different now
• I like knowing what Disney character I would be
• I find joy in knowing who I am, even if it means that I took a predictive test in order to discover something about me that I didn't know
• I like learning about myself, particularly about how my strengths and weaknesses work so that I can improve my weaknesses

In the end, I decided not to elaborate on any of those points mentioned above, and just wanted to say...thank you quizzes. Even though you are gathering data from me, I liked this novel quiz....a lot. Even if you are getting billions from your research - good for you for being smart enough to come up with a brilliant way to make money. 

Being Tossed by the Wind

Some know that I have been hit by an unknown, unplanned storm. Despite the storm, my days have been filled with hope, unlike my reaction to the other storms that have entered my life. I have been blessed with calm, with minor outbursts of anxiety. To still the anxiety, I pray. To calm my fears, I seek validation and inspiration from my sweetheart's unrelenting faith. 

Maintaining peace and calm during the storm has been tough. And every once in a while I find myself in a fetal position, wrapped in covers, not wanting to come out of bed. But I know I must. I know I must gather my strength and hit life head-on. I know I need to consider this time of unemployment as an adventure, a blessing in disguise, an opportunity.

I know I am qualified. I know we will be taken care of. I know that the Lord is aware of our circumstances. I know that everything will be OK. I know that we will be able to put my sweetheart through school, so that he doesn't need to work and so he can concentrate on what he needs in order to be successful. I know we will have enough in our savings to get us through this time, and to prepare us for future financial endeavors. I know it will all be possible through the Lord, Jesus Christ. And that is the energy I am creating - my manifesto. I am sticking by it.

And so, in my humble state, I offer a song that has touched the fiber of my being. It speaks to me. It calms me.

Jesus, Savor Pilot Me Lyrics

Jesus, Savior, pilot me
Over life’s tempestuous sea;
Unknown waves before me roll,
Hiding rock and treacherous shoal.
Chart and compass come from Thee; 
Jesus, Savior, pilot me.

While th’Apostles’ fragile bark
Struggled with the billows dark,
On the stormy Galilee,
Thou didst walk upon the sea;
And when they beheld Thy form,
Safe they glided through the storm.

Though the sea be smooth and bright,
Sparkling with the stars of night,
And my ship’s path be ablaze
With the light of halcyon days,
Still I know my need of Thee; 
Jesus, Savior, pilot me.

When the darkling heavens frown,
And the wrathful winds come down,
And the fierce waves, tossed on high,
Lash themselves against the sky,
Jesus, Savior, pilot me,
 
Over life’s tempestuous sea.
As a mother stills her child,
Thou canst hush the ocean wild;
Boisterous waves obey Thy will,
When Thou sayest to them, “Be still!”
Wondrous Sovereign of the sea,
Jesus, Savior, pilot me.

When at last I near the shore,
And the fearful breakers roar
’Twixt me and the peaceful rest,
Then, while leaning on Thy breast,
May I hear Thee say to me,
“Fear not, I will pilot thee.”

One year!

It was one year ago today that I was sealed to my sweetheart for time and all eternity. Without a doubt that day will forever be engrained in my memory. I remember the feeling I had when I saw him in the Washington DC temple of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I, of course, arrived several minutes early and had time to contemplate what we were about to do. My heart was full of peace and light. Then, he walked in with a huge smile on his face. We embraced and held each other for a long time. We were then escorted to the room where we made promises to God and to each other. 

The ordinance was short and sweet. It was perfect. We looked around our sealing room, and though some of our family was missing, we were surrounded by people who love us, all with tears in their eyes. We did it. We were married....FOREVER. The Spirit of our decision was confirmed. We were at peace, together.

As we entered the temple lobby, we both held our breaths as we saw our amazing family members and friends who came to support us. Having them there meant a lot to us. We choked back tears, well, he did at least. And I let mine flow. We went around hugging everyone with big smiles. It was amazing to feel that what we had done was right. It was confirmed to us again and again.

I will forever cherish the day Adam and I were sealed. Yes, times have been rough this past year. But, there is no one I would rather do this with. It is amazing to think it has only been one year. I heave learned so much in such a short amount of time. I hesitate to say I am excited for what the future holds, because you know how I am about 'not knowing.' Regardless, I am glad I am with someone who, while still 'getting to know me,' is willing to share this adventure called life.

How to find happiness in packing....

I actually don't know the answer to this question. I am asking. Packing up a house in preparation for a move (for me) means packing up memories, saying goodbye, leaving behind and starting anew, which can be scary. I have been working super hard at trying not to be scared. If anything, I have been excited about this new adventure. I have needed a slower pace, and moving to Idaho was absolutely in the cards for us. So, why the breakdowns? I have boiled it down to circumstance. For weeks, I have been packing - you think that would make it more real. But it hasn't been. It was real late Monday. The moving truck came. And then, the bill came too. Still not knowing about the job front, the large bill probably scared me half to death. Let the breakdowns begin.

31...barely!

 
Thanks Mom for the super cute video!

Quality Assurance on My Life

Several years ago a good friend complimented me on my personal and spiritual growth. Having known me for 6+ years, he had seen how far I had come in trusting the Lord, and doing good. It was such a comfort to know that someone else recognized these changes in me. Every once in a while, I do this internal check. It just so happens that I never know when this check will happen. It's funny, my pre-PMP test mode makes me think that I am giving myself 'quality assurance and verification.' At these times, I am most sobered by everything I am NOT doing. I have always been my worst critic, but I often feel that I need to be in order to grow. 

Lately, I confess, I have gone through one of the most trying periods of my life. I have had opportunities to share some of them with you. I have struggled with dealing with trials. I haven't felt graceful. I complain the whole time. I feel myself put a pavilion between me and God because I want a break. I am often tired, and everything reflects a poor attitude. Then I realize I need to shape up, but not before I have a minimal breakdown and get mad at myself for not doing better. Then I get a little upset with God because I don't want to stretch anymore. I think "Really, don't You think You have stretched me enough....I'm tired, could you just ease up a little bit?" Then I realize the request is ridiculous, getting mad at God isn't worth it, and I let Him do what He needs so that I can better understand what he expects of me.

From the book Teaching of the President's of the Church: Lorenzo Snow, Chapter 7, Faithfulness in Times of Trial, it says: "The Lord has determined in His heart that He will try us until He knows what He can do with us. He tried His Son Jesus. … Before He [the Savior] came upon earth the Father had watched His course and knew that He could depend upon Him when the salvation of worlds should be at stake; and He was not disappointed. So in regard to ourselves. He will try us, and continue to try us, in order that He may place us in the highest positions in life and put upon us the most sacred responsibilities."

No matter how many times I read and hear about how trials are meant to strengthen, I still have to go through my internal quality check.

In the same book, Chapter 8, Search Me Oh God and Know My Heart, it says "… We must be true men and true women; we must have faith largely developed, and we must be worthy of the companionship of the Holy Ghost to aid us in the work of righteousness all the day long, to enable us to sacrifice our own will to the will of the Father, to battle against our fallen nature, and to do right for the love of doing right, keeping our eye single to the honor and glory of God. To do this there must be an inward feeling of the mind that is conscious of the responsibility that we are under, that recognizes the fact that the eye of God is upon us and that our every act and the motives that prompt it must be accounted for; and we must be constantly en rapport [in harmony] with the Spirit of the Lord."

At the end of the day, I need to let the Lord work me and stretch me, so that He knows what I am capable of. I need to let changes happen by being proactive and positive about the outcome, because when I do, I am happier.

Newest Member of Our Small Family

This morning I received the following text message:

"Kiss Kiss from me, Trevor, and Stewart."

I once blogged that I slept with a Teddy Bear. It has nothing to do with security or comfort, but more about the fact that my firm Teddy Bear keeps my arm from going underneath me at night, a symptom that plagued my early high school years. I received this Teddy Bear in high school from a good friend named Trevor. 

After years of having my Teddy Bear, I slept with him one night and was shocked to realize how much I loved it. I was about 19 years old at the time, and sleeping with the bear became habitual and something I looked forward to. After a while, I also realized that I needed to name my Teddy Bear. I decided it was only fair to name him after my friend who gave him to me. I find that I don't need to have him all the time, and it isn't like I sleep better having him there, but Trevor and I have a long history, and I am not ashamed.

That being said, when Adam and I first started dating and he saw Trevor, he thought it was great I had a Teddy Bear. I didn't confess that I slept with the Teddy Bear until we had been dating a while. When Adam found out, he embraced it with open arms. He would often talk to the bear upon entering my room, and asked him all kinds of questions like "Trevor, does Lindsey snore?", "Trevor, what secrets does Lindsey tell you?"

Then one morning after we were married, I caught Adam sleeping with Trevor! When I yanked Trevor away from Adam, Adam exclaimed that sleeping with Trevor was the best! I laughed and laughed, but Adam was dead serious. It therefore became a game to see who got to sleep with Trevor. When we were home during the day and Trevor wasn't placed in his spot on the bed, Adam would ask "Where's Trevor" in this cute little voice he gets when he talks to children and animals.

That being said, Adam has this thing for squirrels. In our kitchen we have a squirrel that is holding two acorns full of salt and pepper. He has recently become our kitchen mascot that we named Chaz (which came about when I started singing Chaz-nuts roasting on an open fire). To further my case that Adam likes squirrels, every time we are out and about, Adam has to talk to all the squirrels we see. He calls to them saying "Com'ere you little bitty buddy." He just loves them. As is an Easter tradition, I decided to buy Adam his own little Trevor in the shape of a squirrel. It took me a long while before I found the perfect one. I didn't want this squirrel to look so much like the real one's, but cute, fuzzy, and friendly. After a day or two of searching, I found the perfect one.

Everyone, meet the newest member of our small family: Stewart

We got him in the mail the day before Easter from StuffedSafari.com, and he is even cuter in person. I don't know why we named him Stewart, but the night we got him and I said it jokingly, it stuck. Every time we get ready for bed, Adam has to make sure Trevor and Stewart are ready to go to sleep too. It may seem silly, but this little ritual has become one of my favorites for us. I never thought that it would be such a comforting thing, but I know that if Adam is asking where Trevor and Stewart are, that all things are right in our marriage and in the world. 

Little Things That Freak Me Out

• Colorless hand soap that isn't foamy
• When people who aren't in my phone call me and don't leave messages
• Talking about ingrown toenails 
• Seeing grease spots on the metro windows from where someone was resting their head
• Abnormally big mouths

Heavens are Smiling Down on Me: When Birds Poop

Since having started my new position, I get to walk to the metro everyday! YAY...and yes, to and from. It is pretty cool; not only do I get some thinking time while I am walking my 3/4 of a mile to the metro, but I am gratefully and optimistically exposed to the elements. 

Today I heard two doves cooing. I smiled recollecting my days in SV getting ready for high school in the morning. Two doves loved to wake me up every morning at the crack of dawn. They lived above my bathroom and would coo so loud that it would drive me crazy. Seeing that I wasn't (and still struggle) with mornings, my teenage self would go out, grab a rock and throw it at them every morning. Inevitably, they would return. It became a routine for us. Ah...memories.

Today's element/Carma moment happened as I walked to my office from the metro. Normally when I am walking to the office, there are hardly any people on the sidewalk...it is just too early for this city ;) So, I was walking to work when this man, stops and asks for directions. While I don't know where to point him, because I am still figuring out the city in my new location....this brief conversation prevented me from being massively pooped on by a FLY-BY bird! Seriously, right in front of me about 8-10 inches from hitting me right on the head.....

Let's just say the Heavens smiled on me that day....and I am grateful!

A New Position for a New Me

Some of you might not know, but I was given the opportunity to make a lateral move from Proposal Analyst to Program Analyst at DMI. During my last bitter-sweet proposal, I realize how much I loved managing the proposal...the operations part of the work. After some conversations, my company allowed me to make the switch so I can start learning all about program management. I just started, and am excited for what this means for the future of Lindsey Blau!

I am temporarily housed at our DMI office in downtown DC. I laugh because the commute to Bethesda, Maryland was a lot faster going from where I live in Virginia. However, being in the city is just plain awesome! I already love where I work! And yes, I am going to make a list, because you know I love lists.

Here is what I love so far:

• The bathroom sinks. I know, that seems rather silly, but I appreciate sinks that have faucets that don't have water going everywhere and that are cool. The faucet in the ladies room is shaped like a U. I tried to find a pic online...but really, it is so unique, I couldn't!
• I love being this close to so many great places to eat. I am near the Chinatown/Gallery place metro. I know I have this rule about only eating out once every two months, but I may need to see if I can stretch my budget to keep up with my ever-so-eager taste buds
• Love my cube. It is light and cozy.
  
• Surrounded by geniuses. It is amazing how much all these super genius people know. I already had to have help installing drivers for my computer, and these awesome workers knew how to do it! Even though they may have griped that they were not hired to be my help desk, I appreciate that they were so kind to install them on my computer....and under less than 2 minutes. GENIUS!