I thought I hated mornings then: Chaos of mornings as a parent

I battle guilt of not being a good mom. I battle guilt for leaving my kids at daycare. I battle guilt for not feeling guilty about LOVING work and working 8-5. I battle guilt when I lose patience with my kids. I battle guilt when I think my choices have impacted someone else. 

I battle guilt.

While I have wonderful people in my life to remind me how I shouldn't feel this way, which I appreciate, I know that I need to fight this in my timing. It won't be an easy fix for me.

I am currently taking a parenting class so I can understand how to be a better parent. My hope is to learn about behavior and what behavior's are typical during every year of a child's life. My hope is to gain insights into a child's mind since I have felt old for a very, very long time. My hope is to be better as a result of my knowledge.

For the past 2 weeks, as homework, I was supposed to observe how my environment might have an impact on the behavior of my children. 

Perhaps I was given this VERY BAD 2 WEEKS so I could more clearly observe. ("What a gift," she says sarcastically.)

Our daycare provider graciously offered to open 30 minutes earlier to accommodate my schedule and needs. This means, we are up before the sun to start getting ready for our day. Over the course of time, I have learned what works for my kids in terms of our morning routine to get out the door and arrive on time.

Well, I thought I knew....until these past two weeks.

To be totally un-PC: My sweet 1 1/2 year old decided he was 2 this week. My 3 year old decided he was also 2 this week.

My Morning Story
As soon as I enter my 1 1/2 year old's room, he starts screaming "No", and then incessantly screams until I drop him off at daycare. I often greet him warmly, as I always have. But this week....it didn't matter what I did. He shoves himself in the corner of his pack 'n' play (I had to get rid of the crib because he kept flinging himself from it) and knocks his head on the wall and bangs his fists. He also kicks me when he has the chance.

Here are steps I take to try to navigate this behavior:

1. Give him space: Perhaps I am rushing him, or he wants to wake up on his own. So, I try this, and it makes him more frustrated.
2. Don't give him space: Perhaps he resents me from the day before when all I could do after daycare pickup was prepare his dinner and put him to bed. Maybe he has leftover anger and he wants alone time with me. So, I give him more love and coo and love on him. This also makes him more frustrated.
3. More sleep: Perhaps he isn't sleeping long enough. So, I put him to bed earlier. Still, the mood has not changed.
4. Less sleep: Maybe he doesn't need more sleep. So, I wait one night for 1/2 hour, then the next night for an hour before putting him to sleep. NOPE.
5. Sick or teething: Perhaps he is teething.....This is my go to for misbehavior in toddlers. But is every behavioral issue about teething or being sick?
6. Hunger: Nope. Let's just say his bed is a mess from that one time I tried giving him food to calm him down.
7. Thirst: I let him sleep with water now.
8. Temperature: I just had a fan installed that constantly runs because my boys sleep hot.
9. Jesus: Maybe if I pray to understand what he needs, some crazy wacky idea will come that is obviously from Heaven, because as a mere mortal I can't think of it myself. Still waiting to hear back from the big guy.

That about sums up every morning this week.

The 3 year old 

I know ownership is really important to this age group, so a while back, Dean and I would rehearse our morning routine right before he went to sleep as a way for him to set up his morning. Perhaps he forgets or something, because NOTHING goes the way he owned the night before. If anything, he often cries and shouts at me even after I give him something (within reason) that he is demanding of me. He also kicks.

We have had 'incidents' in the past where we have had to pull over to go to the bathroom, missed the bathroom, and everything revolving around not going to the bathroom before we leave our house. It has been dramatic for him, not to mention me. So, the number one  (ha, get it) thing I have tried to instill and something that he has taken ownership before in the past is TRYING to go to the bathroom. 

TANGENT: So, in my class I just learned that 3 year old's forget easily because that part of their brain is still developing. Answer me this: how is it that my 3 year old can't remember that he said he was going to go to the bathroom, but can remember the time I said I was going to make cookies like 2 weeks ago?

Anyway, he has been able to go to the bathroom EVERY time. But is insistent that if he tries and can't, that he is Scott free. This is where it gets hard. I know he has to, but he - for some reason - does not want to. With force and lots of loud words, he finally decides to go to the bathroom. I have yet to hear a stream that lasts less than 1 minute (that means he has a lot of pee in there).

Then the following battle ensues:

Me: Do you want to use the green or red soap? (Because when I give him choice over which soap to use, the argument ISN'T about whether he should wash his hands or not).
Dean: (He has caught onto this trick and says,) "I don't want to wash my hands!"

Then we argue about germs and illness and I can't seem to convince him, so more loud words come out of my mouth. 

By the time I get in the car, I am angry, my kids are angry - and you know what, IT SUCKS!

I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.

I already hated mornings, and now.....hate isn't a strong enough word.

BUT THEN (Because every bad story requires a moral of the story, right)

I posted my grief on Facebook so I wouldn't feel so bad about me, myself, my parenting, my value....because I was feeling defeated. I asked my friends with pets and/or children to tell me about how their mornings went.

And, luckily, my amazing Facebook community helped me realize I wasn't alone. And you know....it feels good not to feel alone, because that is something else I feel a lot of.

One response said, "CHAOS." A perfect response.

Deanna A. Thompson, author of Glimpsing Resurrection: Cancer, Trauma, and Ministry tells of a cancer story by J. Todd Billings, who said, "Even though [Billings] story constantly courts anomie [lack of usual social or ethical standards], Billings finds comfort in trusting that a nomos exists within God's story. Even when he cannot himself grasp it, he trusts it is there." 

My takeaway is even though my story right now is *CHAOS*, I can find comfort in knowing that God's story isn't. 

That is what has sustained me today. I am hoping it will sustain me tomorrow.

Becoming: Am I Ruining My Kids Because of My Choices?

"Your kids have the same access to the Atonement that you do."

I sat in the office of a dear friend who just listened to the latest on my divorce. I had just attended the court-ordered family class discussing the steps I should take to eliminate trauma for our children as much as possible. There were 12 steps introduced by an amazing instructor that followed the concepts and practices of love and logic. I loved the class and was exhilarated by learning more tips on how to help our kids process this decision. Then, I was hit over the head with an immense feeling of guilt that led to a more intense feeling of shame.

The number 1 rule was around eliminating/mitigating as much change as possible from our lives. At the time of this instruction, I was offered a job in Utah (I lived in Idaho at the time) and was also filing for full custody. I remember distinctly the instructor saying that even changing wall colors could be detrimental to the kids, and here I was....making the decision to uproot our little family, new walls, new people, new church, new routine, new family dynamic, new....EVERYTHING.

The reality of my choices came crashing down on me. I couldn't get through a sentence without crying. I even remember thinking, "Maybe they will let me keep my old job. They haven't started the hiring process yet." It would have been easy, and the kids would have access to their dad, which is also what I wanted. 

The voice inside me kept saying, "I am ruining my kids, and they will be forever traumatized because of me."

I shared my thoughts with others, not necessarily seeking sympathy, but more because I am not very good at hiding my feelings and also see the value in sharing truth. I had several who helped me remember several things:

1. Remember the original witness: Over the course of planning to move, I didn't get a triumphant feeling that "YES!! THIS IS THE DECISION YOU NEED TO MAKE," but everything lined up - a clear sign that I was headed in the right direction. As more and more chaos ensued, it got harder and harder to remember the original witness. Similarly, I also had to remember how I came to the decision to not carry on in my marital relationship.
2. God will never interfere with my agency: During this experience, I became more aware of Heavenly Father's love for me particularly as I struggled through making the decision to go through with the divorce in the first place. How grateful I am to know that Heavenly Father cares about my agency so much that even when I am in the most painful space, He will not stop my progression by interfering.
   
3. The Atonement is for everyone: In the moment, it was as if I was hearing this for the very first time. Even if I changed everything, even down to the color of the walls, I have to believe in the Atonement and my kids ability to reach out to the Savior in their trauma. This moment was beautiful for me. 

The one thing I felt I could control in all the scenarios that played out in my mind over and over is helping my kids know that they can turn to the Savior for strength - like I am trying to do. I am still working through this, but here are some thoughts:

1. I can be vulnerable. Every time my kids see me cry, or if I am struggling with the divorce or choice to move, try to share with them (as much as a 3 year old and a 1 year old can understand) where I go to find strength. This will also help me make sure I am turning to the right place. I can share with them how I feel my relationship with the Savior is helping me through this.
2. I can be sincere about my feelings for their dad. I will always love their dad. Even though things didn't work between us, there is no reason to disparage him or cut him out of our lives. I shouldn't feel guilt for wanting great things for him and great things for them through him. I can still pray for him. I can still hope for him. I can still empathize with him. I can teach them about forgiveness, repentance, compassion and kindness.

I am so grateful to have been surrounded by my earthly angels at this crucial time in my process of "becoming". I am comforted knowing that even though God will not interfere with my agency, that His plan includes allowing my path to cross with other sons and daughters of God who have been so very instrumental in my development and growth. 

This journey, while quick and fast, has not been easy. I still have a lot to work through. But one thing in sure, as read in Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through ^aChrist which ^bstrengtheneth me."

Here are some scriptures that have helped me come to some of these conclusions:

Doctrine and Covenants 6:21-23

21 Behold, I am Jesus Christ, the ^aSon of God. I am the same that came unto mine ^bown, and mine own received me not. I am the ^clight which shineth in ^ddarkness, and the darkness comprehendeth it not.

22 Verily, verily, I say unto you, if you desire a further witness, cast your mind upon the night that you cried unto me in your heart, that you might ^aknow concerning the truth of these things.

23 Did I not speak ^apeace to your mind concerning the matter? What greater ^bwitness can you have than from God?

Freedom of Choice; an Eternal Principle: Ezra Taft Benson

Freedom of choice is a God-given eternal principle. The great plan of liberty is the plan of the gospel. There is no coercion about it; no force, no intimidation.

We Can Finish Hard Things

Elder Lynn G. Robbins addressed employees at BYU-Idaho yesterday. I was inspired and grateful for the message he shared. There is a significant trend in higher education, and in other post-high school opportunities, showing remarkable and growing drop out rates. In addition, many institutions are also seeing a rise in mental illness, particularly fear of failure/anxiety.

Elder Robbins focused on the Christ-like virtue of resilience. Some refer to this as 'grit,' or the ability to bounce back. We watched this awesome TED talk by Angelee Duckworth that started the conversation.

Following the clip, he posed several questions, including:

• How can we, as teachers/ those who support students, stress the importance of giving something new a chance, or something old another chance?
• How can we teach them about follow through on commitments and the joy this integrity brings?
• How can we separate the behavior from the person, so we can truly minister with no barriers?

He said that often we hear the popular phrase, you can do hard things. He thinks this is a great phrase. However, in this idea of resilience and grit, he suggests that we need to encourage others that they can finish hard things.

He then shared the following paraphrased story: Once upon a time, there was a man stuck

in the middle of the ocean. He was in a rowboat, had plenty of supplies, and ores to paddle. At first, there was hope that he would not be stuck in the middle of the ocean, so he rowed and rowed. After a while, he stopped rowing. He had given up; it was too difficult. What was his purpose anyway. All that he hoped to achieve drifted.

But then, the man spotted land. Do you think he picked up his ores and started rowing again? YES! 

It is often that we are headed on a journey and hit a major roadblock or something we need to overcome. When we lose sight of that vision (island) it is harder for us to be resilient and carry on. Elder Robbins suggests that we have the opportunity to restore vision to those who are up against a rock and a hard place.

To provoke thought and discussion, he asked: what is the ONE perfect parent doing for us to help us become more resilient?  What else can we do to help raise children or teach our students grit? Below are some suggestions from the employees at BYU-Idaho.

1. Allow them to see and understand natural consequences of their actions.
2. Teach reverence and humility toward God and the gospel. 
• For example, Nephi wasn't trying to 'run the show' as they made their way through the wilderness, but he was humble enough to know that God wouldn't let him starve. This allowed him to persevere when things got tough.
3. Teach patience and respect toward our children and recognize that they were adults before they came to earth - see our children as they really are - sons/daughters of God also on this journey.
4. The only way to learn how to ride a horse is to get back on when you are bucked from it - finish the ride.
5. When we focus too much on the do's and don't's we stop focusing on the 'become'. 
• He gave an example of a close friend who wouldn't let the baby feed themselves as a baby because it was messy. As the baby grew older, the baby (now toddler) demanded that his parents feed him, because that was the only thing he knew. When we are focusing on the do, we are not focusing on the be - letting them do hard things so they know they can finish, and loving them enough to tolerate messes at the high chair.
6. Praise their diligence and hard work. If you say things like 'you are smart' they may not know HOW they are smart. But when you praise their diligence and hard work, hey can make the connection.
7. Teach that if they start something, they need to finish it
8. It is not a reflection of parenting if your children fail - it is a natural consequence of agency. Our Heavenly Father does not base his success on if we fail. He know that we grow as a result of our suffering.
9. Teach them how to fall well. When you teach failure as an opportunity, teaching them HOW to take it is just as important.
10. Communicate their potential to them and remind them of who they really are and what they are capable of.
11. Encourage them to take risks even if they might fail.
12. Let their hands go so they can learn.
13. Express confidence in their ability and show them by example. Praise them for their efforts.

Our Heavenly Father never forces us to do anything. He will not give us a decision to make if it is not in our power to decide. He will inspire us at the crossroads when we are living worthy of the Holy Ghost and seeking direction.

Fear Not, Do Not Fear - 365 times in the scriptures

Education Week, BYU-Idaho
Godfidence: Facing Fear and Finding Freedom
Eric Richards

Some would argue that what made the works of Edgar Allan Poe so well known and albeit, spooky, was the fact that he played on the common fears of society at the time. It is interesting that a lot of these fears that were common in his time, are still common today.

The talk started by outlining the top common fears of society including: fear of spiders, snakes, small spaces, clowns, and heights. In this discussion, it was easy for me to see the role of "fear" and how it can prevent growth, overwhelm our faculties, and potentially take us captive.

Brother Richards shared some interesting stats about fear in the scriptures, including that the words "fear not" are mentioned 365 times in the scriptures; one for each day of the year. (I loved this insight!)

There are three insights from the talk that resonated with me including:

• God is good: a light-hearted tale
• Anchoring the boat: minimal drift
• But if not: I will still have faith

God is Good: a light-hearted tale

Painting by Robert Barrett

Brother Richards tells the tale of a young man sitting on a bench reading the scriptures. After every verse, he would declare, "Amen! Hallelujah! Praise Jesus! God is Good!" He was so vocal many would stop and look over to see what all the commotion was. 

Amidst his declarations, a well-known, scholarly gentleman stopped by to understand his enthusiasm and demonstrate his scholarly know-how.

Scholar: What scripture are you reading young man, and why the declaration?

Young Man: I just got to the part where Moses is leading his people out of captivity, and parts the Red Sea. Amen. Hallelujah. Praise Jesus! God is Good!

Scholar: I hate to tell you this, but perhaps I should. Historians, archaeologists, geologists, and other theologians have recently discovered that about that time there was a huge drought, which means that the Red Sea was only about 6 inches.

The Young Man was down trodden, thanked the scholar for his insight. The scholar left the young man, and quite proud of himself for fixing the presumed error of a 'miraculous' event, as proved by science. 

All of a sudden, he hears the young man proclaim "Amen! Hallelujah! Praise Jesus! Good is Good."

Rushing back over, the scholarly gentleman inquires why, when after he corrected the young man the first time, was he now proclaiming praise.

Young Man: I just got to the verse where the Pharoah's soldiers reached the river. If what you said was correct, the Pharoah's soldiers all drowned in 6 inches of water! What a miracle! Praise Jesus.

I loved how this story demonstrates that even amidst the know-hows or naysayers of the world, that we can still be fearless because we know that God is Good. When we have a knowledge of this, even a slight knowledge, it will work in our favor.

One thing Brother Erickson said was that fearlessness is NOT the absence of fear - it is living a life of faith, in spite of fear. Choosing to cling to the promises we have made to God (our covenants) despite the situation at hand, has the potential to influence how we choose to walk. And when we walk in faith, we will have more courage than we thought.

Anchoring the Boat: Minimal Drift

Brother Richards has a lineage of what he calls the Island people. He said that the new Disney movie, Moana, had a profound impact on him, because he comes from that lineage. The next story was about this idea of 'anchoring the boats.' I pictured Moana the whole time he spoke.

In the past, when the island people worked at sea for a living, the chiefs and other experienced sailors would teach the youth about the importance of anchoring their boats. They explained that a sailor must anchor their boats to avoid losing their boats. The anchor allowed for minimum drift and was still able to function because it hadn't been tossed to and fro with the natural elements of the sea. Anchoring in a swift amount of time was crucial when sailors would see storms coming in.

To practice this feet, the young sailors would throw out their anchors, and when the anchor didn't hit the bedrock, the would pull it up, sail a distance, and scout for the perfect place to anchor.

The experienced sailors would shake their heads against this practice. What the young men couldn't see from the shore was 1. How far off they traveled to find the perfect place to anchor 2. Exposure to other dangers in the water in areas that are not as well known, and 3. How time got away from them, the storms approaching faster, as they scouted for the perfect place to anchor.

They missed the importance of the exercise.

What they were taught is that when they need to anchor 'now', they need to anchor in the spot indicated. If they run out of rope, the pull the anchor up, add more line, and try to anchor once more.

The point I loved was when we are anchored to Christ, yes, there could be drift - that is part of being mortal, but we will not drift too far. In addition, we cannot look for other places to anchor. We must anchor where we stand now....not hoping for a proverbial perfect location. The location is set and it is perfect.

But If Not: I Will Still Have Faith 

Brother Richards spoke of many stories in the scriptures and in church history that speak of courage, and strength to do the right thing. My favorite story of the event was the answer that Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego gave when King Nebuchadnezzar commanded them to worship the golden idol and deny their God. As the story continues, they refuse to worship a false idol, and the King threatens that he will throw them into a fiery furnace.

Daniel 3:17-18 states:

17 If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of thine hand, O king.

18 But if not, be it known unto thee, O king, that we will not serve thy gods, nor worship the golden image which thou hast set up

My favorite thing: our God is a God of all power. He CAN certainly deliver us. But, if he doesn't, we will still believe in God. I love it. What conviction. What courage. 

Conclusion

From Ruth Fazal's album cover: Deeper by Oliver Pengilley

When I am ready to take up my anchor and start to doubt His word or His promises, or start to doubt myself, I also need to remember that Heavenly Father has asked me, and all of us to take Him to the place where I started to doubt, or lost trust - take Him to the place where I/you were bullied, abused, mistreated - let Him in on the process of those feelings, memories, emotions. ...and trust that He has the ability to heal.

Psalms 118 was not placed in the DEAD CENTER of the Bible for now reason. There are 594 chapters before and 594 chapters after. It is the 1188 Psalm (118 verse 8) that states: "It is better to trust in the Lord than to put confidence in man." When I put my confidence in him, my fears become a little more manageable.
Even when I am feeling tossed by the wind, or struggling to help a teething 1 year old, or making it through a 'relapse' of a loved one, or feeling undervalued, all I need to do is remember: God is a God of ALL power. He has the ability to deliver me. BUT IF NOT - I still believe in God.

That, my friends is the ability to defeat fear. That is courage!

Offering a Broken Heart and Contrite Spirit to Jesus Christ

I am currently attending Education Week at BYU-Idaho. Even if I hadn't signed up for all of Education Week, the opening lecture from Gerald Lund was enough to make this experience worth it.

The entirety of the talk was based around the approach that we hardly consider when speaking about the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Typically, when we discuss or think about the Atonement we consider two perspectives:

The Atonement of Jesus Christ, the Son of God OR The Atonement of Jesus Christ, as it applies to humanity (to me).

The approach Brother Lund took was The Atonement of Jesus Christ, the mortal man, or the Son of Mary.

There were five aspects we discussed about Jesus Christ, the mortal man and the symbolism embedded with what, as a mortal, He experienced, including:

• Knowest thou the condescension of God
• I, God, have suffered thees things for all
• Abba, Father
• A broken heart and a contrite spirit
• Ye must be born again

There were so many beautiful things we discussed, but the one that resonated and stuck out to me the most was this idea of what it meant to Jesus Christ as he experienced a broken heart and what it means to truly be born again. I will only discuss the first one in this particular post.

Broken Heart

The act of crucifying as a form of capitol punishment was developed by the Assyrians, but 'perfected' by the Romans. Where crucifixion was used as a means to an end, the Romans designed it to prolong, instead of hasten death. It was not unusual for a victim to live up to 5-6 days.

I came home and researched the physiology of a crucifixion, and what it would do the human body. I found an article entitled, The Science of the Crucifixion by Cathleen Shrier Ph.D. with Azusa Pacific University.

The article states:

"Normally, to breathe in, the diaphragm (the large muscle that separates the chest cavity from the abdominal cavity) must move down. This enlarges the chest cavity and air automatically moves into the lungs (inhalation). To exhale, the diaphragm rises up, which compresses the air in the lungs and forces the air out (exhalation). As Jesus hangs on the cross, the weight of His body pulls down on the diaphragm and the air moves into His lungs and remains there. Jesus must push up on His nailed feet (causing more pain) to exhale."

"The difficulty surrounding exhalation leads to a slow form of suffocation. Carbon dioxide builds up in the blood, resulting in a high level of carbonic acid in the blood. The body responds instinctively, triggering the desire to breathe. At the same time, the heart beats faster to circulate available oxygen. The decreased oxygen (due to the difficulty in exhaling) causes damage to the tissues and the capillaries begin leaking watery fluid from the blood into the tissues. This results in a build-up of fluid around the heart (pericardial effusion) and lungs (pleural effusion). The collapsing lungs, failing heart, dehydration, and the inability to get sufficient oxygen to the tissues essentially suffocate the victim.⁵ The decreased oxygen also damages the heart itself (myocardial infarction) which leads to cardiac arrest. In severe cases of cardiac stress, the heart can even burst, a process known as cardiac rupture.⁶"

While gruesome and completely horrific, these facts are important to note as Brother Lund described the physiological state of Jesus Christ as his mortal body experienced a crucifixion done by the Romans, and as supported by the article above.

In John 19:34 as the Romans went to check to make sure Jesus Christ was really dead, "one of the soldiers with a spear pierced his side, and forthwith came there out blood and water." 

We can gather at this point that Jesus Christ could have died from a heart attack, as alluded to in the article above. As James E. Talmage states in Jesus the Christ, "Great mental stress, poignant emotion either of grief or joy, and intense spiritual struggle are among the recognized causes of heart rupture. The present writer believes that the Lord Jesus died of a broken heart."

John 13:15 says " For I have given you an example, that ye should do as I have done to you.It makes so much more sense to me why, when we covenant with our Heavenly Father that we too must offer up a broken heart."

And as we are commanded to do what He has done, He asks us to offer Him a broken heart and contrite spirit that we may live again (Doctrine and Covenants 59:8).

This idea of a broken heart is tied to the covenants we make at baptism. When I go into 'being born again', I will share how I made some of these connections for the first time. I can say that I now have a more profound attention and respect for the sacrament I am offered every Sunday - which provides an opportunity for me to renew my covenants by taking the figurative blood and body of Jesus Christ with the bread and water.

Painting by Elizabeth Wang
Even in the Darkness of our Sufferings
Jesus is With Us

The crucifixion of Jesus Christ has always been hard for me to hear. I always skipped the details, or left the room if they were discussed because I couldn't bear to hear about the cruelty. Today, I listened with different ears.

And, as I did, one thing became abundantly clear: I know without a doubt that my brother, Jesus Christ loves me beyond what I am capable of understanding. This love that He has for me is unique, personal, and intimate. He has a deep personal love for all of His children, which is also unique, personal and intimate with each of them.

My love for the Savior and what He for me as the a Son of God, and as a mortal man, has exponentially increased since this morning. I left feeling an overwhelming sense of gratitude.

I Tire of Me

Angel of Death by Gold-Seven

In The Book Thief, by Markus Zusak, there is a scene where Death (the narrator) is wondering about God. In wondering and questioning why, why all these people? Death says, 

"I blow warm air into my hands, to heat them up.
But it's hard to keep them warm when the soul still shivers.
God.
I always say that name when I think of it.
God.
Twice I speak it.
I say His name in a futile attempt to understand. "But it is not your job to understand." That's me who answers."

Then Death continues, "Your job is to..." And then I stop listening to me, because to put it bluntly, I tire of me."

That is how I have felt lately....I tire of me.

The past several weeks, I have had things brought to light by myself, by others, even by strangers, that I am sick of. I am sick of getting down on myself for things that don't matter. I will replay scenarios and conversations over and over and over just to make sure I didn't do something wrong, or say something upsetting or offensive.The "people pleaser" in my has taken full affect, and to my detriment. My paranoia of making sure everyone is always happy has taken a toll not just on my emotions, but also my physical state.

In this discovery, I am learning what it TRULY means to "please others." Before, I thought it was to make sure someone was happy with me all the time. But, duh....I can't control that. To please others was very surface for me, and I always came back with anxiety about an interaction.

I failed to grasp the deeper principle.

In the talk Which Way Do You Face, Elder Lynn G. Robbins captures the essence of what I have learned, "Trying to please others before pleasing God is inverting the first and second great commandments (see Matthew 22:37–39). It is forgetting which way we face. And yet, we have all made that mistake because of the fear of men."

My fear of man runs deep, but is something I feel like I am overcoming. When I relax the small things (reading scriptures, praying, attending the temple, FHE), I find this fear comes back full force. The adversary is very aware of my shortcomings, and knows this is my "go to" when I am straying away from the Word of Christ and Love of God.

I have had many angels help me in my effort to strengthen my relationship with Jesus Christ and My Heavenly Father the past several weeks, including:

Pilgrim of the Cross at the End of His Journey. Thomas Cole. 1848.

1. During a conversation with one of my supervisors, I relayed that I was struggling to feel valuable to the organization. I wasn't trying to demean the organization, nor leadership - but approached the topic with my supervisor in hopes to get advice for what I was doing wrong, how I could be more efficient, or what I could do to do my job better.
   
   The past several weeks, I have examined why I have a need for constant feedback, and why I like to know that what I am doing is good, bad, amazing, not so amazing, etc.
   
   It was at that moment that my supervisor expressed that as long as my relationship with Heavenly Father is in tact, I will feel value/valuable in all other relationships, or whatever work I pursue. It was that moment, I knew my relationship with Heavenly Father was not where it needed to be.
   
   This was the culminating moment where I realized my pride was being broken down in a VERY loving way from an EXTREMELY loving Heavenly Father.
   
   
2. I attended an All Employee Conference where the HR Director from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints spoke about leadership and becoming Disciple Leaders. Part of the training the church administration uses includes an exercise of asking Heavenly Father, "What Lack I Yet."
   
   I was not ready to ask this question. At this moment, I knew that this is what Heavenly Father was waiting for me to do - so that we could strengthen our relationship. I didn't know if I could handle what he needed of me. Without really asking, I know Heavenly Father allowed me to think/ponder the idea of asking Him "What Lack I Yet," for a little while. I am grateful that He gave me this time.
   
   I still haven't asked Him, but feel like I am learning anyway.


3. There are some foundational things that aren't in place in our marriage for us individually, and therefore not in place for us as a couple. We both recognized the need to seek help to overcome some habits that have turned extremely ugly in our marriage.
   
   Our amazing Bishop is helping us with those foundational elements that are deep rooted in the gospel of Jesus Christ. His encouragement and testimony of our Savior's ability to heal and help us overcome our challenges has restored in me hope....something I haven't felt in a long time.
   
   The other night, our Bishop gave me a blessing. Prior to the blessing, I shared with him that I am being humbled right now, and in this state my pride is being broken down....and it is painful. It is so painful.
   
   The blessing was sacred, but I want to share that this period of being humble is far from over. However, I left the Bishop's office with a renewed sense of hope, a remembrance of Heavenly Father's love for all of His children, and with a surety that when I rely on Jesus Christ, I will be able to withstand, carry, power through, and be so incredibly happy.
   
   
4. In a situation where I was supposed to be advising, I found myself being advised. This young lady pointed out: there are many people willing to die for Christ....which is highly admirable. Yet, how many are willing to live for Him? She continued that when she stops doing the small things, like reading scriptures, going to the temple, praying morning and night...how easy it is to fall short.
   
   I valued her perspective and realized that I had been falling short. I know one of my Happiness Project Commandments is #8 It is part of life's learning experience to fail - what is failure anyway? But this is something I realized CANNOT be compromised. I can't fail in this.
   
   Please don't misunderstand, I GET the reality that I may not do this sometimes. But the conversation renewed my conviction, and buoyed me through this turbulent time.

There are so many other moments that have helped and are helping me along the way. 

Going back to The Book Thief, after Death says "I tire of me," Zusak writes, "When I start thinking like that, I become so exhausted, and I don't have the luxury of indulging in fatigue."

The talk The Need for Total Commitment by Theodore M. Burton, states, "It is true that we each have imperfections to overcome. Life is a constant series of challenges and trials. Notwithstanding, we should never fail to strive for that perfection of life which can bring us closer into harmony with God. As the apostle Paul said in writing to the Philippians:

“I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus. Let us therefore, as many as [would] be [come] perfect, be thus minded: and if in anything ye be otherwise minded, God shall reveal even this unto you.” (Philip. 3:14–15.)

Thus we should seek to overcome any discovered fault in our characters which tends to take us away from a total commitment to God."

I don't have the luxury of being in this life with half my foot in the door and half my foot out the door. The time is now for me to commit fully.

Improving Life: An Eternal Principle

Last night I attended an activity at church where we discussed....ba ba ba baaa.....The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. For all those who have read my blog in the past, I read this book a while ago, and fell in love with some of the key ideas - particularly her approach to goal setting and sticking to it.

Before I attended the event, I read last year's blog post, echem....one of the only blog posts from last year, about how I felt about goals in general. In my blog Resolutions, Goals, and Happiness Project Commitment, I discussed how I felt about New Year's resolutions. After review, I found myself in the trap again...of thinking how silly it is to make them, and dreaded last night for fear that I would let myself down AGAIN.

But then it dawned on me....my 13 Commandments (something that Gretchen talks about in her book). One of my commandments is "Let it Go!" and another one is "It is part of life's learning experience to fail - what is failure anyway?"

Just a reminder:

My 13 Commandments

1. It is what it is, embrace it, be grateful for it

2. Ask "Am I Being a Lady?"

3. Optimism is a force multiplier

4. By small and simple things, great things come to pass 

5. Don't rehearse unhappiness

6. Let it go

7. Be true to my God and myself

8. It is part of life's learning experience to fail - what is failure anyway?

9. Acknowledge and be OK with what I don't encompass, and what others don't encompass (borrowed from a Gretchen passage: Paradoxes of Happiness)

10. Don't be so hard on yourself

11. Remember you are of great worth 

12. All in the Lord's time
13. Everyone has agency because everyone is a child of God 

 

So, the fact I didn't report on my Happiness Project last year is OK. In fact, it is great! Because life is great, and the importance of believing my commandments is that I will not beat myself up for what I am unable to accomplish. I felt that last year was fantastic. 

 

Lots of good things last year, loved my job, remarkable relationship with My Sweetheart, had the best Snugs in the world, moved into a house, saw my family A LOT (for which I am extremely grateful), made and have amazing friendships, created things, made amazing food, learned from mistakes - it was a good year.

 

I digress.

 

I admit, I am still wary of making goals, but came away from the activity last night with hope in new commitments and goals. This post is to put to memory some of the things we discussed that inspired me.

 

Mental Health

 

Mental health is related to several healthy habits primarily revolving around:

• Nutrition
• Use of natural supplements
• Lifestyle
• What is your sleep and exercise patterns, etc
• The benefits of detoxing your home and body for things that are more natural
• Thoughts 
• Discovering what kind of thinker you are. 
• Are you a glass is half full or glass is half empty?
• Recognition of how and where your thoughts turn when you are unoccupied is a huge part of knowing how you will respond to various goal setting items within mental health
• Self-care
• Spiritual 

During our conversation about mental health, we focused on nutrition. 

Foods to avoid to help with mental health: 

1. Sugar
2. Fried food (any trans fats, altered fats)
3. White flour
4. Caffeine
5. Fake sugar - the instructor gave an example of if you are going to drink soda, it is actually better NOT to drink a diet soda. It is more damaging to your nervous system than people think. I don't have research to back this up, but I believe it.

Throughout the conversation, all I could think about was pizza. I haven't been able to eat anything solid for one week because I had my wisdom teeth pulled last Friday. My recovery has been slow...and all I can think about are the things I can't eat. Last night, all I wanted was pizza....well, and a big fatty ribeye.

I admire people who eat healthy all the time. I used to detox by eliminating sugar, except for one day a week. I feel like this was a good goal for me...but you know what, I am also of the belief that LIFE IS MEANT TO BE ENJOYED! And if I like sugar, I should eat it....with the motto in mind: Moderation in all things. I came to this conclusion a while ago. Every once in a while I will detox from certain foods, but for the most part, I feel good about what we eat as a family. I am sure that will change as Snugs gets older and starts eating solids. But until then, nutrition is wonderful - but not something I can spend time worrying about right now.

One other concept we talked about that I want to learn more about was when we discussed self-care. There are some new articles circulating on Facebook about Family Minding - which was loosely defined by my group as when you are minding your family so much out of obligation that it actually does more damage to spirit than good. This is something I want to look into later...and sounds fascinating.

Spiritual

We discussed what it would be like if the Savior stood beside us, how would we be or act. Our team discussion leader told us about how she committed to try an experiment where she would pretend He was standing beside her for 5 minutes. At first, in her meditation and prayer, she found it hard to keep up. With practice though, she was able to hold prayerful conversations with her Father in Heaven that impacted the rest of her day. I liked the idea and am wondering the goal I want to set.

One quote I loved from the last General Conference, "Please believe, and please take hope and comfort from this eternal truth. Our Heavenly Father intends for us to make it. That is His work and His Glory."

Family

My favorite example of the night was when our team discussion leader shared an example. 

More or less in her words: "At Christmas, I received a gift from my husband. We don't typically do gifts for one another, so I was shocked and felt a little guilty - feeling like I needed to get him something. When I opened it, it was this beautiful red, leather purse that he bought when he was on a business trip to Paris, France. I was in love with it...and carried it around with me all day. 

The next day, I thought - well this is too nice for what I would use it for (because I am a mom with kids and carried diapers, snacks, and suckers - and didn't want to ruin my purse). So, I stuck it back in the box it came in and put it at the top of my closet. My husband asked me one day if I was ever going to use it. I told him I didn't want to ruin it, but he reminded me that he spent a lot of good, hard-earned money, and would appreciate if I used it. So, I started using it, and, as predicted, it got scuffed, dirty on the inside, and I felt terrible. When I went to clean it though, because it was made of good material, the scuffs came out, and it was immaculate again."

She likened this to the Atonement. Are we putting the Atonement on the top shelf because 'it is too good' or because we don't feel like we should use it or else we will ruin it? We have been given this beautiful gift that is meant to be used. The beauty of the Atonement is that we can become clean again - every Sunday through the Sacrament.

She gave some tips about developing lasting familial relationships:

• One PhD, who was writing a book about universal truths said it was so hard to find universal truths due to the fact that everyone has different belief systems
• The one universal truth that he found in all his research is the ability all of us have to choose
• Before acting, ask yourself "Will the choice I make help me become who I want to become?" "Will the choice I make provide a desired outcome?"
  
• Others in the group gave the example of how hard it is to read scriptures as a family, and how it is easier to choose not to read them
• The point is that often our choices become habit forming and do not produce or contribute to the outcome we were originally shooting for
  
• Becoming = Begin to be
  
• We need to choose to be participants in our own development
  
• Being actively engaged and not just letting choices happen is also a universal truth that we talk about all the time at church - to act and not be acted upon
  
• When times get tough, consistency is key
• If we stick to our goal, regardless of how small it seems, it will work out
• The Lord will not let us down as we try to anchor ourselves to Him

Conclusion

The whole evening was full of moments for me. It was invigorating to be surrounded by other women who are doing the best they can and who are bright, intelligent, beautiful, and engaging. It was a night of reflection for what goals I want to set and those that I am still clinging to from year's past. 

Today, I had additional insight and really have a deeper testimony that goal setting and commitment to things improve our lives, and are eternal principles that will bring us one step closer to becoming like our Father in Heaven. 

I am excited for what this new year will bring.