Improving Life: An Eternal Principle

Last night I attended an activity at church where we discussed....ba ba ba baaa.....The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. For all those who have read my blog in the past, I read this book a while ago, and fell in love with some of the key ideas - particularly her approach to goal setting and sticking to it.

Before I attended the event, I read last year's blog post, echem....one of the only blog posts from last year, about how I felt about goals in general. In my blog Resolutions, Goals, and Happiness Project Commitment, I discussed how I felt about New Year's resolutions. After review, I found myself in the trap again...of thinking how silly it is to make them, and dreaded last night for fear that I would let myself down AGAIN.

But then it dawned on me....my 13 Commandments (something that Gretchen talks about in her book). One of my commandments is "Let it Go!" and another one is "It is part of life's learning experience to fail - what is failure anyway?"

Just a reminder:

My 13 Commandments

1. It is what it is, embrace it, be grateful for it

2. Ask "Am I Being a Lady?"

3. Optimism is a force multiplier

4. By small and simple things, great things come to pass 

5. Don't rehearse unhappiness

6. Let it go

7. Be true to my God and myself

8. It is part of life's learning experience to fail - what is failure anyway?

9. Acknowledge and be OK with what I don't encompass, and what others don't encompass (borrowed from a Gretchen passage: Paradoxes of Happiness)

10. Don't be so hard on yourself

11. Remember you are of great worth 

12. All in the Lord's time
13. Everyone has agency because everyone is a child of God 

 

So, the fact I didn't report on my Happiness Project last year is OK. In fact, it is great! Because life is great, and the importance of believing my commandments is that I will not beat myself up for what I am unable to accomplish. I felt that last year was fantastic. 

 

Lots of good things last year, loved my job, remarkable relationship with My Sweetheart, had the best Snugs in the world, moved into a house, saw my family A LOT (for which I am extremely grateful), made and have amazing friendships, created things, made amazing food, learned from mistakes - it was a good year.

 

I digress.

 

I admit, I am still wary of making goals, but came away from the activity last night with hope in new commitments and goals. This post is to put to memory some of the things we discussed that inspired me.

 

Mental Health

 

Mental health is related to several healthy habits primarily revolving around:

• Nutrition
• Use of natural supplements
• Lifestyle
• What is your sleep and exercise patterns, etc
• The benefits of detoxing your home and body for things that are more natural
• Thoughts 
• Discovering what kind of thinker you are. 
• Are you a glass is half full or glass is half empty?
• Recognition of how and where your thoughts turn when you are unoccupied is a huge part of knowing how you will respond to various goal setting items within mental health
• Self-care
• Spiritual 

During our conversation about mental health, we focused on nutrition. 

Foods to avoid to help with mental health: 

1. Sugar
2. Fried food (any trans fats, altered fats)
3. White flour
4. Caffeine
5. Fake sugar - the instructor gave an example of if you are going to drink soda, it is actually better NOT to drink a diet soda. It is more damaging to your nervous system than people think. I don't have research to back this up, but I believe it.

Throughout the conversation, all I could think about was pizza. I haven't been able to eat anything solid for one week because I had my wisdom teeth pulled last Friday. My recovery has been slow...and all I can think about are the things I can't eat. Last night, all I wanted was pizza....well, and a big fatty ribeye.

I admire people who eat healthy all the time. I used to detox by eliminating sugar, except for one day a week. I feel like this was a good goal for me...but you know what, I am also of the belief that LIFE IS MEANT TO BE ENJOYED! And if I like sugar, I should eat it....with the motto in mind: Moderation in all things. I came to this conclusion a while ago. Every once in a while I will detox from certain foods, but for the most part, I feel good about what we eat as a family. I am sure that will change as Snugs gets older and starts eating solids. But until then, nutrition is wonderful - but not something I can spend time worrying about right now.

One other concept we talked about that I want to learn more about was when we discussed self-care. There are some new articles circulating on Facebook about Family Minding - which was loosely defined by my group as when you are minding your family so much out of obligation that it actually does more damage to spirit than good. This is something I want to look into later...and sounds fascinating.

Spiritual

We discussed what it would be like if the Savior stood beside us, how would we be or act. Our team discussion leader told us about how she committed to try an experiment where she would pretend He was standing beside her for 5 minutes. At first, in her meditation and prayer, she found it hard to keep up. With practice though, she was able to hold prayerful conversations with her Father in Heaven that impacted the rest of her day. I liked the idea and am wondering the goal I want to set.

One quote I loved from the last General Conference, "Please believe, and please take hope and comfort from this eternal truth. Our Heavenly Father intends for us to make it. That is His work and His Glory."

Family

My favorite example of the night was when our team discussion leader shared an example. 

More or less in her words: "At Christmas, I received a gift from my husband. We don't typically do gifts for one another, so I was shocked and felt a little guilty - feeling like I needed to get him something. When I opened it, it was this beautiful red, leather purse that he bought when he was on a business trip to Paris, France. I was in love with it...and carried it around with me all day. 

The next day, I thought - well this is too nice for what I would use it for (because I am a mom with kids and carried diapers, snacks, and suckers - and didn't want to ruin my purse). So, I stuck it back in the box it came in and put it at the top of my closet. My husband asked me one day if I was ever going to use it. I told him I didn't want to ruin it, but he reminded me that he spent a lot of good, hard-earned money, and would appreciate if I used it. So, I started using it, and, as predicted, it got scuffed, dirty on the inside, and I felt terrible. When I went to clean it though, because it was made of good material, the scuffs came out, and it was immaculate again."

She likened this to the Atonement. Are we putting the Atonement on the top shelf because 'it is too good' or because we don't feel like we should use it or else we will ruin it? We have been given this beautiful gift that is meant to be used. The beauty of the Atonement is that we can become clean again - every Sunday through the Sacrament.

She gave some tips about developing lasting familial relationships:

• One PhD, who was writing a book about universal truths said it was so hard to find universal truths due to the fact that everyone has different belief systems
• The one universal truth that he found in all his research is the ability all of us have to choose
• Before acting, ask yourself "Will the choice I make help me become who I want to become?" "Will the choice I make provide a desired outcome?"
  
• Others in the group gave the example of how hard it is to read scriptures as a family, and how it is easier to choose not to read them
• The point is that often our choices become habit forming and do not produce or contribute to the outcome we were originally shooting for
  
• Becoming = Begin to be
  
• We need to choose to be participants in our own development
  
• Being actively engaged and not just letting choices happen is also a universal truth that we talk about all the time at church - to act and not be acted upon
  
• When times get tough, consistency is key
• If we stick to our goal, regardless of how small it seems, it will work out
• The Lord will not let us down as we try to anchor ourselves to Him

Conclusion

The whole evening was full of moments for me. It was invigorating to be surrounded by other women who are doing the best they can and who are bright, intelligent, beautiful, and engaging. It was a night of reflection for what goals I want to set and those that I am still clinging to from year's past. 

Today, I had additional insight and really have a deeper testimony that goal setting and commitment to things improve our lives, and are eternal principles that will bring us one step closer to becoming like our Father in Heaven. 

I am excited for what this new year will bring.

Overwhelmed by Too Much Information

As part of my commitment to read more, I decided to also capture articles I have been reading and interested in lately. Not having the time necessarily that I want in order to finish all these books I have and want to buy, I thought this was a good way for me to stay informed, and in touch with some deeper issues. I like bringing these up in conversation and hearing what people have to say about them.

With this new commitment of mine, I also needed to realize one thing: we are in the information age. We will be bombarded with messaging attached to personal experience and agenda. What we should learn from what we find online is that we are entitled to develop our own opinion. I remember reading a book called the Policy Paradox: The Art of Political Decision Making by Deborah Stone. The book was intriguing in that it questioned research because really, research can be demonstrated and swayed to prove an argument. The book called out two research articles one debating one side of the issue, and the other debating the other side. Both articles were brilliant.

At first, I was upset - how was I supposed to decipher which argument was the best? What was I supposed to believe? I remember literally crying in front of my professor (thank you Thad for sticking with me), and really struggling with what was real and what to believe. In this regard, the class did exactly what was intended. It taught me to think. It taught me to ask questions - and not even questions, the right questions. It gave me what I needed to make informed decisions and seek out research of all kinds in order to form my own opinion.

Back to what I was saying. Here are some articles I have read recently that have inspired, or at least provoked thought. What do you think?

Deseret News article: Mormon Mom's Answer: how much should I pay the babysitter

NPR Ed article: Grief in the Classroom: 'Saying Nothing Says a Lot'

It is easy for us to be swayed one way or another. We could be reading one argument for something one minute and one article against that same argument the next. I think of the prophets who foretold about the days before Christ comes again to the earth and what challenges those who are preparing the way will have to face. I am convinced that the number one challenge is the fight for truthful and honest information. Now more than ever, we need to rely on a Heavenly witness if the information we have been given is wise and true. Now more than ever, we need to figure out what information we can rely on. 

In the talk Four Absolute Truths Provide an Unfailing Moral Compass, Richard B. Wirthlin states:

"Many have referred to the current era as the information age. But it is ironic that, in an information-rich era, the biggest threat to our world’s societies, rich or poor, and to each of us personally is the absence of moral clarity and purpose.

Clearly, the stresses and strains that assault us cannot be attributed to a lack of knowledge. In fact, a current weekday edition of the New York Times contains more information than the average person was likely to come across in a whole lifetime in 17th-century England.

 

But unfortunately, the explosive increase in information has not led to a parallel increase in true wisdom.
We cannot cope with the confusions and the challenges of this world unless we use a clear and consistent moral compass that will unerringly take us through our own personal trials and the tugs and pulls of our own temptations—a compass that will chart our way to peace of mind, self-worth, and joy."

Sometimes I am overwhelmed by all the decisions I have to make. I get tired of the responsibility associated with having access to all this amazing information. I often find myself daydreaming of a time where it took weeks, even months to receive letters from loved ones. I also daydream about escaping to the high mountains with my car full of all my great books, and losing myself in reading good material. 

But then I am reminded of my responsibility to decipher information and proclaim truth when I see it, and invoke wisdom as I experience life. While it is daunting, it also give me a sense of pride...to carry on what I know in my heart to be true, and sharing that with others. 

What a great day in which I live.

Resolutions, Goals, and Happiness Project Commitment

Well, it has certainly been a while since blogging about my Happiness Project. While I could come up with excuses and feel bad about not keeping up with my personal goals last year, I decided to start fresh. I used to be one of those people who looked at New Year's resolutions as a 'fad' and something not really worth my time, because I didn't want to be one of those people to break it. 

I thought the idea was silly and overrated. After thinking about it over the course of January, I had some thoughts, which I shared with a good friend of mine who was preparing to teach a lesson about resolutions and goal setting. Here is what I sent her in an email:

I have some interesting thoughts about goal setting in general. Firstly, I think that goal setting is hard for some people, particularly those who are motivated by success in different ways. For example, I am a goal setter. I feel good being able to cross things off a list. It fills me with satisfaction and helps me realize how much I am achieving. 

 

My sweetheart, however, does not set goals because if he doesn't reach them, he feels like a failure. When I am having hard time in life, I don't set goals either because of this very thing. It is not that I am a perfectionist - but that I lose hope that goal setting is not really going to give me the outcome I want. Now, that is key. An outcome I want. Interesting, right? What about the outcome my Heavenly Father wants? How many of us set goals using Heavenly Father as our guide?

I think that is the underlying question. This is not to say that our goals only needs be spiritually focused. No, no. In fact, the one goal that seems to be common on New Year's is losing weight, right? Well, who is not to say that a goal that is important to Heavenly Father for me is to be healthy? 

Measuring Success

Another thing: Perhaps those who don't set goals don't understand how to measure success. I have been reading this great book called The 4 Disciplines of Execution where the authors discuss how to be an effective and successful leader/company. One thing they discuss is when someone makes personal goals, it is almost more important to understand the right measurements for success. The book describes two kinds of measurement:

Lag measure: measurement of a result you are trying to achieve. It is called a lag measure because by the time you get the data, the result has already happened (and it is always lagging).

The book says we need to start thinking about the lead measure instead of the lag measure. A lead measure foretells the event. It is predictive, meaning that if the lead measure changes, you can predict that the lag measure will also change (this form of goal setting means that the way you get to your goal might change! Which is totally ok).

So, back to my weight example: Let's say my goal is weight loss. The lag measure for this is typically what my weight looks like on the bathroom scale (which can mostly be depressing and show me that I am really not meeting my goal, which for me equals failure). ALAS, there is hope. 

 

You see if you format this goal using the LEAD measure, you might define your goal as "reducing the amount of calorie intake" or "increasing the amount of calories burned" or "going to the gym 3 times a week." These are more controllable than stating I will lose 20 pounds. If the goal is to lose weight, yes that is understandable, but you need to create measurements of success that you have more control over.

I don't know if that was helpful, but this example made me really think about how I am goal setting and what it looks like to get there.

Recognizing the differences, and woah, aren't we doing this already?

I think understanding experiences of how other set goals is also really important so that you know that there are people that may not be interested in goal setting, and perhaps for very different reasons: fear, laziness, feeling like they are doing the best they can and adding one more thing to the plate would drive them mad, feeling like they set goals everyday - and it is hard to commit to one when they are already internally committed to others. I think this is a great reflection of life. Everyone does it differently. And while people may not formally set goals by writing them down, I believe that we are already doing this goal setting business every time we take the sacrament, we just call it something different. Isn't that what it is for - to evaluate our standing in His eyes every week as we take the sacrament?

To answer your questions

Do you set goals? Yes. I set them at random times, not just once a year. But the new year helps me put things into perspective. 

Do you practice setting New Year's resolutions? I didn't for a long time because, like other things revolved around the holidays, I felt like it was an inauthentic way of doing something we should be doing anyway. I boycotted setting resolutions, until I realized WHY NOT!? If I am already setting goals all year long and every Sunday during sacrament, why not take yet another opportunity to do so. My obstinate, proud moment passed as I really did take New Year's resolution setting to a new level.

Are you able to keep your resolutions? Not until just recently. I was one of those who would make resolutions - and stop tracking them, therefore I was not really able to 'keep them.' One thing I tried describing earlier: I realized the way I was setting goals was not the best to determine my success. I had to re-think how to set goals in order to keep resolutions. I had to determine HOW I was going to measure success, and HOW I was going to get there, in order for me to feel like I was able to keep my resolution. I also think that being flexible to these HOW's is really important. It is not that the goal is changing, so much as we are discovering what works and what doesn't work for us during this goal-resolution process - how we reach our goals will indefinitely change over time

Do you track your progress with your goals? I didn't, until just recently. Tracking them has become completely important to me so I can see where I have been. Again, this is my personality. Tracking may not be something that works for everyone - because again - they may not need it to feel successful. I think another important thing to consider instead of formal tracking is evaluation. I think it is important for us to decide how we want to measure our success, and if that means not thinking about it for a year, that is what that means.

Do you have a method of goal setting/resolution making that works for you? Yes. Writing it down on my blog, and re-evaluation of where I said I wanted to be and where I am, keeping in mind on of my 13 commandments, it part of life to fail - what is failure anyway.

Did you learn anything from your failures? Absolutely. Failure isn't failure in the way we natural people think about things. In my blog post: Funny Thing About Failure, I said:

"In the article Never Give Up by President Monson, he states, "In our journey on earth, we discover that life is made up of challenges—they just differ from one person to another. We are success-oriented, striving to become “wonder women” and “super men.” Any hint of failure can cause panic, even despair. Who among us cannot remember moments of failure?"

He continues, "Our responsibility is to rise from mediocrity to competence, from failure to achievement. Our task is to become our best selves. One of God’s greatest gifts to us is the joy of trying again, for no failure ever need be final."

Failure exists. Failure exists when we don't do our best. Failure exists when we compromise our personal integrity and morals. Failure happens when we don't follow Christ. So, in a way, my thoughts in the circumstance mentioned above were a failure to what I know to be right. Failure is letting the natural man take over our Godly and divine propensities. In this circumstance, I was caught between my natural-triggered emotion and the emotion of how to turn this circumstance into something I could learn from.

I have put off the next steps for the Happiness Project because I am afraid to fail. I am afraid to make commitments I might not be able to keep. This barrier is preventing me from growing. It is time I took a better look at commandment #8. I fail when I don't do my best. Why put off happiness because I am afraid of failure? Failure will make me better. The clock is ticking."

Additional Thoughts

Here are some extras should you want to peruse my thoughts on this subject (from my blog)

Goal Setting and Expectations

Conclusion

I know this was an overwhelming load of information, as you can tell this subject is close to my heart because I struggle so much with not letting myself or others down.I still feel guilt on a daily basis for things I don't accomplish, things my sweetheart didn't accomplish, and things I don't control. I do have to say, I am getting better, and it is a goal of mine to keep going after those Happiness Project areas I identified so long ago. I think it is best if I start small and build up to it...yes, that is what I will do. At least I will start them and see where it goes, right?

Another great blog post about new year's resolutions is captured on Gretchen Rubin's Happiness Project blog.

The Calm After the Storm

 
Some may have heard the adage "the calm before the storm," but what about the calm after the storm? One of my earlier posts discussed my recent stormy moment. It wasn't monstrous like some of the storms I have faced, but a storm nonetheless.

I have lately been reminded of a subject spoken of by one of my favorite religion professors, Michael Wilcox, who discusses the parable of the 4th watch. I remember the first time I heard this, and how much I felt like I had reached the 3rd watch a lot in my life, waiting, hoping, trying to have faith that things would be all right. I was happy when Brother Wilcox came out with a recording of one of my favorite talks The Fourth Watch: Receiving Divine Help When Your Prayers Seem Unanswered.

In the product description of his audio book, it says, "The wind was fierce, and the disciples of Jesus had long rowed against it before the Lord finally came to them, walking on the water in the fourth watch of the night-somewhere between 3:00 and 6:00 A.M. When our trials go on indefinitely, we should not assume that God does not hear our prayers, or that He does not care, or that we are unworthy. Perhaps we have not yet reached the "fourth watch." This comforting message increases our faith and patience, offers profound hope and solace, and explains how the Lord often works with us."

I was in the middle of the 3rd watch last time you heard from me. Pleading, praying,and doing what I could to live the way I needed to live to be a good Christian, I was often tired and exhausted. Giving up was not an option, but I felt I was doing what I needed to and that life was as good as it was going to get. Oh, how weak that thought was/is.

Over and over again, I have needed to learn that an unseen, insurmountable, happiness comes during the 4th watch. It has never failed me...and yet I doubt it every time. I forget that while the 4th watch moment may not last as long as I would like, it always comes...and I am always happier than I could ever imagine. 

I think I discussed this already, but it seems that my moments of 'happy' don't last as long as the moments of unhappy. I find this phenomenon everywhere, in movies, in the scriptures, everywhere. It has been a lifelong goal to find happiness in the journey, even if that journey is in the 2nd or 3rd watch - to find my happy during those times too.

The past several months, I felt I was doing a pretty good job. It wasn't until the beginning of this month that I can say I am truly happy...I reached the 4th watch....and you know what, it feels good. 

Is it worth it to hang on and find those little moments of happy, yes. Is it important to be obedient to a Father in Heaven who loves me and believe that it is through Jesus Christ that I can be truly happy, yes. Does it feel good to go from hope to knowledge, yes! Am I perfect at understanding this all the time, even through the little trials, no. But I am striving to be.

Happy feels so good. 

One Last Thought by Jeffrey R. Holland in the talk An High Priest of Good Things to Come:

"...it is not without a recognition of life’s tempests but fully and directly because of them that I testify of God’s love and the Savior’s power to calm the storm. Always remember in that biblical story that He was out there on the water also, that He faced the worst of it right along with the newest and youngest and most fearful. Only one who has fought against those ominous waves is justified in telling us—as well as the sea—to “be still.” ⁸ Only one who has taken the full brunt of such adversity could ever be justified in telling us in such times to “be of good cheer.” ⁹ Such counsel is not a jaunty pep talk about the power of positive thinking, though positive thinking is much needed in the world. No, Christ knows better than all others that the trials of life can be very deep and we are not shallow people if we struggle with them. But even as the Lord avoids sugary rhetoric, He rebukes faithlessness and He deplores pessimism. He expects us to believe!"

*Painting 1, Christ Walking on Water, by Julius von Klever
**Painting 2, They Hear My Voice, by Jeff Smith

Questions About Happiness

I wanted to ask you some questions about happiness, as related to an earlier post:

1. How do you feel/find joy in your journey?
2. Is finding joy in the journey something you have to work at - one that you have to concentrate on everyday? If so, what techniques do you employ?
3. What do you do to empower your faith?
4. Do you feel that searching for happiness is counterproductive? Why or why not?

I would love to hear from you.

Bound Decisions Lead to Happiness, Right?

“The great source of both the misery and disorders of human life, seems to arise from over-rating the difference between one permanent situation and another. Avarice over-rates the difference between poverty and riches: ambition, that between a private and a public station: vain-glory, that between obscurity and extensive reputation. The person under the influence of any of those extravagant passions, is not only miserable in his actual situation, but is often disposed to disturb the peace of society, in order to arrive at that which he so foolishly admires. The slightest observation, however, might satisfy him, that, in all the ordinary situations of human life, a well-disposed mind may be equally calm, equally cheerful, and equally contented. 

Some of those situations may, no doubt, deserve to be preferred to others: but none of them can deserve to be pursued with that passionate ardour which drives us to violate the rules either of prudence or of justice; or to corrupt the future tranquility of our minds, either by shame from the remembrance of our own folly, or by remorse from the horror of our own injustice.” - Adam Smith, The Theory of Moral Sentiments

I listened to this interesting TED talk from Dan Gilbert, the author of Stumbling on Happiness, this book I read a while back. When I read the book, I wasn't on a quest to find happiness (might I remind my readers, searching for happiness is almost counterproductive). At the time, reading this book was an assignment. As such, I skimmed through the pages, and didn't have any major takeaways, because I wasn't engaged. Then I 'stumbled' (pun intended) on this TED talk.

The quote above is heavy, at best. I still have a hard time understanding everything. However, I like how Dan Gilbert explains in his theory of happiness that YES, there are some ideas that are better than others when it comes to the "happiness" outcome. In addition, because there are some decisions that are better than others, I should have preferences on how to make decisions that in turn influence happier outcomes. 

Maybe you have heard the adage that despite our circumstances we can be happy. What I understood from the talk is that my personal commitment to decisions makes me a direct "influencer" of my personal happiness and outcome. Gilbert points out that decisions that are bound bring about happier outcomes by nature. 

For example, my personal ambition or anything else I pursue that lacks boundaries could mean that I will do whatever want/need in order to get to the next level. In other words, if I have personal drive and ambition without personal rules, I am more likely to hurt others and even myself. Without a personal commitment to common sense or moral judgement, I could still get what I want, but my happiness factor would be lower than if I had certain personal rules in place.

What do you think? Do you think that you are prone to be more happy when you have personal rules in place?

Being On Time: Important to Happiness

I was reading one of my favorite blogs The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin who wrote a post about how to change the habit of chronically being late. I agreed with the steps she gave readers to help them change the habit.

I ended up posting a comment about how I felt about the importance and value of time, specifically if I am going to meet up with someone.

Here is what I shared:

"I am chronically way ahead of schedule. I grew up in a household that always arrived to things at least 10 minutes ahead of schedule. There were always some advantages to our 'promptness'. For example, we always got the pick of the good seats at movie theaters, we always avoided the rush at the restaurants, we always made our flights. 

The disadvantage is how others view their promptness. When I was first living on my own, and would show up to everything early, I would end up waiting and then (because I live in an area where people are chronically late) would end up waiting even double the time because they would be late. This was very frustrating to me, and I ended up creating a story in my mind that someone did not value my time enough to show up when they said they would. I have since struggled with the concept of the value of someone's time. 

The way I dealt with this at first was the three strike rule - if someone didn't show up on time, or around the time of our appointment, and they did it three times, I wouldn't schedule anymore appointments with that person. I ended up losing a lot of valuable relationships because of this rule. I have learned that there are people who do not value the importance of 'being on time' as a priority the way I do. Being on time for me means, spending more time with someone I care about. But maybe being on time for them means doing everything in their power to get there, even if it means being 10 minutes late, and still having an enjoyable time. 

I have since remedied my three strike out rule and have come to learn that A. I still like being on time - it makes me happy to know the lay of the land, but have had to learn to just be, instead of getting frustrated, B. Adjusting my expectation that just because someone else is late, doesn't mean that meaningful things can't happen, or that they care less for/about me, and C. Understanding that there will be things that get in the way of someone not being able to be on time...and being considerate of how they prepare to make appointments."

Like I said in the post, I have been fighting this almost my entire adult life. I recall a specific period of time where the last thoughts mentioned above dawned on me. My friend asked me to meet at her house at 10:00 p.m. so we could go out on the town. I arrived 5 minutes early, only to wait an additional 45 minutes for her to get ready. Before I left my home, I had a million things I needed to get done. But, I put them on hold because I needed to make my appointment. That was more important to me than running some last minute errands. You can imagine my consternation when I arrived only to realize I could have finished my errands instead of being prompt. Needless to say, I tried to put the anger behind me and have a good time, but found I had a chip on my shoulder from that evening's events.

When my friend asked me to do something else, I remember being clear about the time table, "Your time, or my time." I said it as a joke at first, but the conversation took a more serious turn as she responded defensively. She knew she had issues being on time, and others around me know that about her. Being a new friend of her, I had to learn it the hard way. At the end of this experience, we didn't speak with one another for a while. I realized I valued her too much as a friend to lose her, so I had to change my ways, and accept that I shouldn't be so pointed when trying to address time management issues. I eased up and realized that she would be late to every event we planned, and ended up taking a book so I would have something to do while I waited.

In addition to what I said in the post on Gretchen's page, I remember having a conversation with a friend who caught me in my moment of 'waiting and getting angry' because my friend was late, asked me why I was so frustrated. After explaining my situation and my thoughts around being prompt, he told me that I should just start showing up around the time that my chronically late friend would so I wouldn't be so frustrated. He said semi-jokingly that I was the one at fault because I could have scheduled in all this other time to do something else instead of wasting my time waiting, and maybe I should consider changing my behavior.

You know, I find great comfort knowing that other bloggers/comments/posts said something similar to mine. I appreciated all their comments, even after I posted something that was quite similar to what others were also thinking...oops.

Provoking Articles, Part 1: Lies that Destroy Marriage and Other Little Tidbits

I have had a lot of different ideas flowing through my mind lately. I decided to a round-up of the top articles that I have been reading and researching that have inspired some deep thoughts and enabled me to develop my own opinions. I love that there are so many people out there dedicated to learning and sharing, just like me. Here is the first of many posts of things that have been on my mind.

The question I have for my readers: What are the lies that you have had to discover in your marriage, and how have you defeated them?

Feel free to share your thoughts and opinions on anything that you may read. I would love to know what you have to say. In fact, argue with me if you want to...it is good to have perspectives from all sides.

The Lie that Almost Destroyed My Marriage, by Scissortail Silk Becky Thompson

Interesting Quote(s):

"I married the wrong guy.
 
It was the lie that played over and over in my mind for years.

It was the base of every fight. It plagued our disagreements. It promised destruction.

But I couldn’t make it go away, and it almost cost us everything."

{Lindsey's musings}: By divine inspiration and guidance, the author knew there were certain things she needed to accomplish and be a part of, and struggled to understand how this would fit in with this marriage. Her expectation for 'how' her marriage and dreams were supposed to happen were unrealized, and she worked hard to figure out 'how.'

She writes "The more I pushed, and the more he resisted, the deeper the roots grew of a little lie that I didn’t even know I had planted…
 
"I married the wrong guy, Lord. How I am I supposed to complete this work that you’ve placed in my heart? How am I supposed to change a generation by myself?”

And instead of listening for the Lord’s response, I began to listen to the lie.

“You can’t,” It sneered. “You’re finished. Your dream is dead. You picked him over the plans God had for you. You’re done, and God’s done with you.”

I believed it.

And the lie grew into fear. I was scared that I had missed it. I was scared that the more my husband followed his dreams, the more it meant I had given up my own.

I blamed my husband. I blamed a perfectly innocent man who had only loved me and trusted God and followed the passions of his own heart."

My Opinion

I too have struggled with the 'how,' particularly in my marriage. From my youth, I knew I had a greater calling to be a wife and mother, and I wanted it - I strove for it, because I chose it and it chose me. It is no secret that I had a hard time being single for so long (just read my posts Ready for Love, Another Blog About Dating). In a culture that marries younger than average, I struggled with the fact I didn't get married until I was significantly older than any of my friends. 

Looking back, there were lessons I needed to learn - obviously, because isn't that what married people are always telling single people to tell themselves when they are frustrated with being single? I digress. Here's the deal - I thought I learned my lessons, or at least learned them enough. I thought I learned patience. I thought I learned how to better control my expectations. I thought I knew enough about how to have long-lasting meaningful relationships. 

Fact is - what I thought I knew has been tested and tried to the extreme! What I thought I mastered is only just a little bump on this highway of married life. It is a guarantee that I will continue to learn. There will also be days where I come up short - that is just reality. I am grateful to know though, that when I put God at the helm, through my faith, I will be able to recognize my weaknesses and know what I need to do to make those weaknesses become strengths.

I loved the article mentioned above and respect that Becky re-evaluated the situation and opened herself up to God's divine counsel and wisdom. Later in the article she said,

{Quote}
"God didn’t change my husband’s heart. He didn’t give Him new desires to become a pastor. No. He simply took my broken heart, and gave me a new one. He exposed the lie. He spoke Truth over me again, and pulled up every last tendril of that untruth. He wrapped me in the security of His love and whispered, “You didn’t miss it. I’m not done with you. Your husband has given his life for you, and now I’m going to teach you what it means to love him… because he is the one that I have chosen for you. Together, you will complete the plans that I have for you both.”

"I saw God come and bring restoration. We experienced unity and trust for the first time in years. I didn’t only trust my husband; I trusted God and His voice of Truth. I believed again that I knew what His voice sounded like, and I began to hear it more clearly. New life began to grow in our marriage as we learned what it meant to be one with each other and with the Lord. And we experienced peace and felt hope for the first time in years."

The lie I found myself believing is that there is someone out there better suited for me and my needs - how selfish. Another lie I found myself combating is how much easier life would be if I were single again - how selfish. Thank you Becky, for exposing exactly what the adversary would have us think about this amazing gift, and for exposing something I have struggled with since the beginning of my marriage - pride.

Instead of thinking about all the things my sweetheart needs to do to be a better husband, lover, future father of my children, spiritual mentor, etc., I renewed my commitment to open myself up to understand what I can do to improve myself in this marriage. I renewed my commitment to find God so that instead of worrying so much about the 'how' I could focus on the here and now, and enjoy this journey - because it is meant to be joyful!


More on the Marriage Learning Curve

Marriage Learning Curve, Lesson 1: Choose Your Battles
Marriage Learning Curve, Lesson 2: Speak Well of and to Your Spouse
Marriage Learning Curve, Lesson 3: Love The Person You Found  
Marriage Learning Curve, Lesson 4: There is Timing for Two 
Marriage Learning Curve, Lesson 5: Confess Your Expenses, Even if You Feel They are Justified
Marriage Learning Curve, Lesson 6: Opportunity to Grow 
Marriage Learning Curve, Lesson 7: Compliment Each Other Daily 

Is the "Search for Happiness" Counterintuitive?

It was not a coincidence that I have had several opportunities to talk about happiness. As some may be aware, I found that I was lacking happiness and really starting doing some deep introspection about what I needed to do, what attitudes I needed to change, what habits I needed to break, where I may be lacking in the spiritual aspect of my life in order to find happiness.

I took a rather methodical approach to happiness (adopted from The Happiness Project) and began measuring my success by my accomplishments, acknowledging my failures, and reporting my endeavors on this blog. I still feel it is a worthwhile endeavor, and so I will keep on keepin' on. However, I made some discoveries and have had some discussions, which have altered my approach, slightly. 

First, one night my sweetheart and I were talking about contentment. He said he was reading an article that said something along the lines of, if you are constantly in search of happiness you will not find it, because you are creating a delta where it may never exist because you are in constant search of it. Something like that.

This idea reminded me of a conversation I had with someone who was depressed who said that he would rather not talk about his depression, not because he was in denial, but because the more he would talk about it, the deeper in his depression he became. He felt like if he kept talking about it, because he was still deep in it, it made him believe that he was so depressed that he couldn't get out of it. This idea makes sense to me. 

I often hear that what we tell ourselves in our minds becomes reality, like saying "I'm not tired," after 24 hours of no sleep can actually help someone capitalize on what energy they do have, and how these people - at the end of the day - testify that they really aren't tired. Perhaps it is a philosophy of The Secret, I assume, having personally not listened to it. It is the same with what we tell ourselves too. If we keep saying, "I'm not good enough" so many times, we may begin to believe it.

Regardless of the research that may or may not back up this theory, I was intrigued by this idea of searching for happiness. Automatically, I came up with the following questions:

• Is it still possible to progress if we are not seeking happiness? 
• Is it possible to remain in a state of contentment and yet still have the motivation to hope for betterment, peace, understanding, or happiness?
• If I was happy, would I be trying to figure out what the Lord needed me to do to obtain it fully? 
• Is this type of introspection, the search for happiness, bad or wrong? 

Perhaps what the article was trying to say is that if we worry so much about tomorrow, we will miss out on a lot of joy we could have today. I agree with that sentiment at least. 

I have included several excerpts from the talk Finding Joy in the Journey by President Thomas S. Monson, who said: 

"This is our one and only chance at mortal life—here and now. The longer we live, the greater is our realization that it is brief. Opportunities come, and then they are gone. I believe that among the greatest lessons we are to learn in this short sojourn upon the earth are lessons that help us distinguish between what is important and what is not. I plead with you not to let those most important things pass you by as you plan for that illusive and nonexistent future when you will have time to do all that you want to do. Instead, find joy in the journey—now."

"Said one well-known author: “Both abundance and lack [of abundance] exist simultaneously in our lives, as parallel realities. It is always our conscious choice which secret garden we will tend … when we choose not to focus on what is missing from our lives but are grateful for the abundance that’s present—love, health, family, friends, work, the joys of nature, and personal pursuits that bring us [happiness]—the wasteland of illusion falls away and we experience heaven on earth.”"

"The ancient Roman philosopher Horace admonished, “Whatever hour God has blessed you with, take it with grateful hand, nor postpone your joys from year to year, so that in whatever place you have been, you may say that you have lived happily.”"

Second, some of you also know that it is hard for me to be content in the moment. I am always trying to do better, be better, thinking about tomorrow, and am generally a tightly-wound sort of person who always have to have a list and a plan.

This week, I attended a wonderful ladies night activity dinner, where we also had small discussion groups talking about the Plan of Happiness. The more we discussed happiness, the more I realized, I am just not getting it! After all those talks I read about praying, serving other people, living in the moment, being present, reading scriptures, going to the temple, learning about patience and timing, developing faith, etc., I still don't feel like I get what I need to do. Sad, really. 

During the conversation, we talked about having faith enough to live in the now. Having faith allows us to live in the now, stop thinking about our past, hope for the future, but don't obsess about living for the future. Then the question was asked: What are you doing to empower your faith? 

I sat there stumped. What am I doing to empower my faith. Other than direct obedience, am I really feeding my faith the way I need to learn this valuable lesson of 'finding joy in the journey?'

I pose these questions to you, my readers. 

1. How do you feel/find joy in your journey? 
2. Is finding joy in the journey something you have to work at - one that you have to concentrate on everyday? If so, what techniques do you employ?
3. What do you do to empower your faith?
4. Do you feel that searching for happiness is counterintuitive?

I would love to hear from you.

Acknowledgements

The painting above is by Mike Vollmer from Houston. For me, the brilliant colors bring to light the idea that I am surrounded by magnificence everyday, and I could be a part of that if only I would open my eyes. For me, the light that seems to be streaming from the top, depicting the hope that this thing called 'happiness' can be found today...the search is over. Thank you for this wonderful painting.

The Second Painting is by Rassouli. I was trying to find a painting that depicted how it would feel to find a way out of the storm, happiness in a confusing world, and light in a whirlwind of darkness. This painting spoke to me of what it would feel like to experience joy again, if not for the first time. This artist has captured my heart and soul. All the other paintings also exude this conquering spirit.

Getting Out of Bad Habits

I wake up every morning and do the same routine to get ready to go to work in my home office. I wake up before the alarm (thank you body), roll out of bed cautiously because when I am tired I bump into things, make my side of the bed, go to the bathroom, brush my teeth and my hair, sometimes shower, but mostly I stay in my pajamas, turn on the computer, read articles from the BBC, and get to work. I work for about an hour until I am ready to eat breakfast, and then, the day goes on in similar fashion.

It has only been 3 weeks, and I have grown fond of my routine. I can't help but wonder, "What happens when the monotony of doing the same thing every morning prevents me from being an effective morning worker?" That's when I realized the routine will most likely become disturbed and frustrated.

I find that being stuck in the same routine morning after morning has created a very interesting cushion to my comfortable life, which is interesting because I also firmly believe how important it is not to remain in the same comfortable spot if I am going to progress. Comfort provides a false sense of stability and can breed bad habits.

I used to live in a large city where I would often gripe that I couldn't get everything done that I needed/wanted to because it took me forever to get from point A to point B. At the time, I made the resolve that if I ever had 'more time' to spare, that I would get so much more done. I would workout, and cook dinner, and complete visiting sisters in my church, and would call everyone I loved, and work out, and would finally finish that Snapfish project I have been working on, and would blog at every opportunity, and would deep clean my house. 

Now having moved to a slower pace environment, where I could REALLY do all those things, when I stop working, I turn on movies until I have to go to sleep. There was one week where I made dinner, cleaned my house, called people I knew, completed unpacking my house, made arrangements to hang all my art, worked out everyday, etc. And now, I am comfortable sitting around at the end of my working hours and watching all the shows I put off for 3 years because I was 'too busy.' Do you see the issue? "Comfortable" in this case, is a bad thing. Comfortable has become a bad habit.

My sweetheart is attending school where there are a ton of fun activities that we can be a part of and/or go to. Every evening he brings home a flier of something awesome that is FREE and going on at the University that is literally 4 minutes from our apartment. Every night I say, "We should go!" Then I get into this space that if he doesn't make the move to go, I won't either. It is weird....and I know it is based on those bad habits I formed in Virginia. When we lived in a place surrounded by super cool things to do all the time, there was always the hope that we would be able to do this and that, but because we were occupied with trying to defeat IT (depression), we never really did anything.We got comfortable...well, not really comfortable because I resented that we never did anything, but you catch my drift.

I find that my sweetheart has defeated some of his bad habits, but now I am the one stuck and preventing him from doing things...particularly things that contribute to an incredibly well-rounded educational experience. Do I have IT? Or I am just at a 'comfortable space?' How long should I stay in this comfortable space before it becomes unhealthy? 

I think this also goes back to the fact that I am constantly on the go. Virginia was good for me in that I always had something to do, but it left me unfulfilled at the end of the day. I could always pass it off saying, "I did the best I could today". Honestly, Virginia was also bad for me in that I never rested. Since having moved here, I have been sick three times....no good right? Or is it? Maybe illness is what it takes to slow me down. Maybe my body is trying to catch up from all the running I did when I lived out east. Who knows?

I recall the post where I said, "I always feel the most content during the holidays with my family. During this time though, I get super, super lazy. I don't help out around the house, I laze around for hours on end. I only help when asked. Because for me, I am trying to gather strength to run fast when the holidays are over. I am realizing that this mentality is not very healthy." 

I am back with that same mentality, but this time I am not on vacation. This is my everyday life we are talking about here. And I need to get back in the game. But how? How do I do it? I don't want to overdo it the way I always do! Do I take it one step at a time, like get dressed in the morning for starters? Here are some things I thought of:

• Cooking: Instead of trying to cook every night, attempt to cook 4 of 7 nights and make enough for leftovers so I am not cooking every night and won't burn out.
  
• Health: Work out even if I am sick, even if it is a walk around the block. I promised myself that I would start working out daily. Because I have been sick almost the entire time I lived here, this has really put a damper on my plan to be healthy. Funny how that works. Because I want to get better, I have been sleeping most of the time, and/or watching movies and 'resting.' BAD HABIT.
  
• Going out: Attend one or two free events with my sweetheart a week. Saturday, my sweetheart mentioned at least 4 things he wanted to do in addition to our trip to Idaho Falls to go shopping. He forgot that he agreed to meet up with a friend after our shopping excursion. I tried to be supportive of all these other things he wanted to do, but knowing we take forever to get groceries and knowing we were trying to meet up with a friend, we both ended up being super frustrated with one another. He has since stopped making suggestions about things for us to do. That makes me sad. I too, don't follow through when he tells me about doing things because we have so often not followed through. Now I have a chance to say, "That was then, this is now."
  
• Budget: Just complete the darn thing. When my sweetheart and I tried doing this the first couple of times, we ended up fighting and going to bed several nights super angry with one another. That was then, this is now. Bite the bullet and do it.

Maybe if I focus on these four things, I can start creating new and better habits. I need to remember that things that happened and defined my relationship with my sweetheart in the past can always be altered given the right attitude and help from God.  I know that as I conquer these 'much too comfortable, bad habits' that I will be happier.

Maybe while I am trying to be better, you can tell me, what things have you done to get out of your bad habits?