First, I must say...no, I am not on drugs...and for those of you who are, that last statement was in no way meant to be offensive. Thanks for understanding. Lately, I have been having night hallucinations. It is true. No, they are often not cutie cute boys calling at my door. Oh heavens, I would welcome those 'nightmares' any day. No, these hallucinations happen to be either a HUGE spider crawling from my ceiling oh so quietly and planting itself right by my head, OR a HUGE black floating evil presence, which is always conveniently found to the left of my bed. To put you in the moment, imagine waking up to a person just standing there staring at you...and you don't know who this person is....yeah, that feeling you get just thinking about it is the feeling I get almost every night. CRAZY, right...!? I know, I know.
So, what is the solution to this problem that gave me nightmares? Well, obviously, the best solution is a bed-mate. This position has yet to be filled. So, until that time, a realistic solution would be to tell everyone about it who loves and cares about me unconditionally, because telling a stranger would only make matters worse as I am sure I would be sent to some kind of an institution where I would be treated with shock therapy. I don't think I need to be shocked quite yet.
So, I told my parents about my weird experiences. We talked about the possibilities of why this would happen including foods that I have been eating, if I am getting enough exercise, if I am watching too much TV before bed, what time I am eating before falling asleep, if I am stressed...all this stuff. I deduced it down to sushi after 9:00 p.m. without exercising that day. Alas...I don't think that is it either because these hallucinations happen even when I don't eat sushi. I just can't put my finger on it because I have the weirdest sleeping/eating/exercising schedule EVER.
So, I shared my experience with a licensed doctor, whose house we stayed at in Sierra Vista when I visited last weekend. Though an unbelievable jokester more than he is a licensed practitioner, he gave some profound advice. He said "Every monster has its vice. So just find out what your monster hates and use that to your advantage to get rid of it." Needless to say, whenever I turned the light on to get rid of these black spots and hideous spiders, they went away. My 10-year old brother gave me the best present in the world to help me with my monsters.
I am a 27 year old with a night-light.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Bless-ed is this life
The title of my post is taken from Brett Dennen, my favorite summertime musician. I really am the luckiest girl. Putting my worries on the shelf for the summertime seemed appropriate so that I could enjoy what life has to offer. Instead of listing all the details, why don't I just show you some of my fave summer memories...so far. I know you all are suckers for pictures anyway....
Picture 1: This is Becky and me biking up in Littledale (East Canyon on the way to Park City). I have taken up mountain biking and LOVE it. I am not excited for my first fall, but know it will happen...c'est la vie.
Picture 2: Jason and me in Lake Powell. I went with 5 other girls and one other boy. Highlights: spending the night in the Wal-mart parking lot, eating at Denny's the next morning, battling 8-foot swells due to the wind, hanging with really great people, getting pulled over by the boat sheriff, tubing, dutch-oven dinners, grilling steak, reading a book in my tent, sand blowing in everything (I am still finding it every where), midnight cruises on the lake lit by the full moon.
Picture 3: One more Powell pic, just for fun. This is Nate, Michelle, Me and Jason. The water in this pic is far from serene. We had to put towels over us to keep from the water splashing in the boat. It was incredibly windy, but the next day...of course...the water was pure glass.
Picture 4: I went to Moab with my ward. We hiked, biked, camped and later, I took off with friends to go river rafting. I felt invincible and very hard core. Highlights: seeing so many amazing natural arches, flipping over in the raft, making life-long survival friends and yelling 'survivors' every 3 seconds on the rest of the way down the Colorado River, jamming to tunes until lights out at the campground, biking up slick rock, my friend Darnell's bike broke: but we had Jimmy the incredible 
fix-it man with us to save the day, sleeping on a queen size air mattress, showering at the campground where everyone made fun of me...hey, if there is a shower at the camping site, you bet I am going to use it!
Picture 5: Kelly, Darnell and me setting up our tent.
The memories continue: Catching up with all the wardies on their lives, getting a tour of this really nice hotel from a 9-year
old (Grace), finding my way from out under the raft after it capsized, rescuing our people, winning the splash battles just by calling it first, getting a Moab t-shirt, making it up really hard hills without falling off my bike :)...the list goes on and on.
Picture 6: Julie, Kerrie, Me, Darnell and Kelly...the survivors.
Picture 7: Me, Katie, Nate, Alma, Sherri, Shannon, Dan (on the bottom row), Jared, Kim. Demolition Derbies...need I say more!!
Picture 8: Tedi, Wyatt, Stephanie, Brandon and me at the Bees game. I don't remember who won...hee hee, but I do remember charging the field to see fireworks...and fireworks THEY WERE!
Picture 9: Alma and I at the Bee Gees tribute. When mom, dad and Bryan came to town, we all went to look at houses for fun in Daybreak during their garage sale days. A radio station was doing a remote at one of the model homes. Needless to say, my dad won tickets to the Bee Gees tribute concert and gave them to me. Thanks dad!
So, I think that sums up my summer with more adventures to come...I don't have pics of my class, or my two jobs (consulting and research assisting), but I do that as well. In fact, I had to tell my dad that really, I am working...I just know how to play hard too, that's all.
Picture 1: This is Becky and me biking up in Littledale (East Canyon on the way to Park City). I have taken up mountain biking and LOVE it. I am not excited for my first fall, but know it will happen...c'est la vie.
Picture 2: Jason and me in Lake Powell. I went with 5 other girls and one other boy. Highlights: spending the night in the Wal-mart parking lot, eating at Denny's the next morning, battling 8-foot swells due to the wind, hanging with really great people, getting pulled over by the boat sheriff, tubing, dutch-oven dinners, grilling steak, reading a book in my tent, sand blowing in everything (I am still finding it every where), midnight cruises on the lake lit by the full moon.
Picture 3: One more Powell pic, just for fun. This is Nate, Michelle, Me and Jason. The water in this pic is far from serene. We had to put towels over us to keep from the water splashing in the boat. It was incredibly windy, but the next day...of course...the water was pure glass.
Picture 4: I went to Moab with my ward. We hiked, biked, camped and later, I took off with friends to go river rafting. I felt invincible and very hard core. Highlights: seeing so many amazing natural arches, flipping over in the raft, making life-long survival friends and yelling 'survivors' every 3 seconds on the rest of the way down the Colorado River, jamming to tunes until lights out at the campground, biking up slick rock, my friend Darnell's bike broke: but we had Jimmy the incredible 
fix-it man with us to save the day, sleeping on a queen size air mattress, showering at the campground where everyone made fun of me...hey, if there is a shower at the camping site, you bet I am going to use it!Picture 5: Kelly, Darnell and me setting up our tent.
The memories continue: Catching up with all the wardies on their lives, getting a tour of this really nice hotel from a 9-year
old (Grace), finding my way from out under the raft after it capsized, rescuing our people, winning the splash battles just by calling it first, getting a Moab t-shirt, making it up really hard hills without falling off my bike :)...the list goes on and on.Picture 6: Julie, Kerrie, Me, Darnell and Kelly...the survivors.
Picture 7: Me, Katie, Nate, Alma, Sherri, Shannon, Dan (on the bottom row), Jared, Kim. Demolition Derbies...need I say more!!
Picture 8: Tedi, Wyatt, Stephanie, Brandon and me at the Bees game. I don't remember who won...hee hee, but I do remember charging the field to see fireworks...and fireworks THEY WERE!
Picture 9: Alma and I at the Bee Gees tribute. When mom, dad and Bryan came to town, we all went to look at houses for fun in Daybreak during their garage sale days. A radio station was doing a remote at one of the model homes. Needless to say, my dad won tickets to the Bee Gees tribute concert and gave them to me. Thanks dad!
So, I think that sums up my summer with more adventures to come...I don't have pics of my class, or my two jobs (consulting and research assisting), but I do that as well. In fact, I had to tell my dad that really, I am working...I just know how to play hard too, that's all.
Monday, June 22, 2009
The Same Kind of Different As Me
Most of you know that I am a crier. Sometimes I cry over the silliest of things, AT&T commercials, a look, a spiritual hymn...etc. There are many reasons I cry. I cry when I am blissfully happy, extremely frustrated with circumstances, when I feel good inside, when I am inspired, when I just feel like it for no reason, when I recognize blessings, when I am downright mad, when I get hurt physically. But more often than not, I cry when I am touched.
I am surrounded by a myriad of people who have contributed great things to my life. This past week, I was deeply touched by two men who had enough courage (and I would say were inspired) to write down their feelings and their experiences and put them in a book. In a way, I feel that the story has contributed to my faith and has restored in me a hope in people. I also feel that in way I have been completely edified and know that my reading this book at this particular time was no coincidence.
The book I am referring to is The Same Kind of Different As Me. I am going to copy and paste a summary below:
A dangerous, homeless drifter who grew up picking cotton in virtual slavery.
It leaves me with a couple thoughts:
"If you judge people, you have no time to love them" - Mother Theresa
"My life is my message" - Ghandi
I am surrounded by a myriad of people who have contributed great things to my life. This past week, I was deeply touched by two men who had enough courage (and I would say were inspired) to write down their feelings and their experiences and put them in a book. In a way, I feel that the story has contributed to my faith and has restored in me a hope in people. I also feel that in way I have been completely edified and know that my reading this book at this particular time was no coincidence.
The book I am referring to is The Same Kind of Different As Me. I am going to copy and paste a summary below:
A dangerous, homeless drifter who grew up picking cotton in virtual slavery.
An upscale art dealer accustomed to the world of Armani and Chanel.
A gutsy woman with a stubborn dream.
A story so incredible no novelist would dare dream it.
It begins outside a burning plantation hut in Louisiana . . . and an East Texas honky-tonk . . . and, without a doubt, in the heart of God. It unfolds in a Hollywood hacienda . . . an upscale New York gallery . . . a downtown dumpster . . . a Texas ranch.
Gritty with pain and betrayal and brutality, this true story also shines with an unexpected, life-changing love.
This book left me thirsty to serve...a thirst it seems sometimes I am lacking. It left me with an open mind and encouraged me to seek after the entire picture. There were so many pivotal moments and phrases in this book. And, by the way, it is entirely non-fictional, but written in a creative writing format. The way the story is told is incredible in its description and creates a story that is sure to stay in my mind forever.It leaves me with a couple thoughts:
"If you judge people, you have no time to love them" - Mother Theresa
"My life is my message" - Ghandi
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Peach Shakes
You wouldn't think that growing up in Sierra Vista would have a lot of perks. I just had an aunt visit SV and she called me asking, "What is there to do here?" I am sure she thought What in the world did they do when they lived here? I laugh at this because...sure, compared to the thriving metropolis of Salt Lake, it probably could be considered 'boring.' But let me tell you a memory that I cherish more than anything a city could provide.
Thunder and lightning storms and peach shakes. Every June-September the sky in Sierra Vista would get dark about mid-day and the smell of wet asphalt and wet desert dirt (not necessarily mud...it never rained hard enough) would roll in. That is when the lightning show started. Any time we knew there would be a storm, my mom would hurry and make peach shakes and we would all sit out on my back porch that faced the mountains and watch the lightning show. We would ooh and aah trying to see if we could spot the longest piece of lightning and would shriek when we would hear the best clap of thunder. That alone would take me back there to live. I think about it all the time.
Right now in Salt Lake, we are having a thunder and lighting storm. And even though it really isn't the same kind of desert rain smell, it still smells good and fresh.
Break out the peach shakes baby!
Thunder and lightning storms and peach shakes. Every June-September the sky in Sierra Vista would get dark about mid-day and the smell of wet asphalt and wet desert dirt (not necessarily mud...it never rained hard enough) would roll in. That is when the lightning show started. Any time we knew there would be a storm, my mom would hurry and make peach shakes and we would all sit out on my back porch that faced the mountains and watch the lightning show. We would ooh and aah trying to see if we could spot the longest piece of lightning and would shriek when we would hear the best clap of thunder. That alone would take me back there to live. I think about it all the time.
Right now in Salt Lake, we are having a thunder and lighting storm. And even though it really isn't the same kind of desert rain smell, it still smells good and fresh.
Break out the peach shakes baby!
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Moving Mountains
Most of you know how much of a teeny bopper movie fan I am. I even started getting into Disney flicks like Wizards of Waverly Place and Hannah Montana. I think Brendon was the only one I told about my fascination with Hannah. With all the interesting publicity surrounding Miley...I can't help but think that this wonderful chick has overcome a lot and come FAR!
One day, I was chatting with my roomy about life. She played this song for me...which still makes me tear up every time. It reminds me so much of myself...it is quite incredible.
The Climb Lyrics
Songwriters: Alexander, J., Mabe, J
I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
"You'll never reach it"
Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking
But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high
There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb
The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going
And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on
'Cause there's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!
There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Somebody's gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!
Keep on moving, keep climbing
Keep the faith, baby
It's all about, it's all about the climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith, whoa
Whoever Alexander, J and Mabe, J are...THANK YOU for such an inspirational song. You have captured the essence of what every person struggles with at least 10 times in their life. Sometimes it is hard for me to remember to enjoy the journey instead of freaking out about how in the world I am going to get to my destination, or what that destination looks like. That has always been tricky for me. I want so much to be on the other side of the mountain that I forget to enjoy the climb. Miley, for all the criticism that you get girl, you are rockin it! I am sincerely touched.
One day, I was chatting with my roomy about life. She played this song for me...which still makes me tear up every time. It reminds me so much of myself...it is quite incredible.
The Climb Lyrics
Songwriters: Alexander, J., Mabe, J
I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
"You'll never reach it"
Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking
But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high
There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb
The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going
And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on
'Cause there's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!
There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Somebody's gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!
Keep on moving, keep climbing
Keep the faith, baby
It's all about, it's all about the climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith, whoa
Whoever Alexander, J and Mabe, J are...THANK YOU for such an inspirational song. You have captured the essence of what every person struggles with at least 10 times in their life. Sometimes it is hard for me to remember to enjoy the journey instead of freaking out about how in the world I am going to get to my destination, or what that destination looks like. That has always been tricky for me. I want so much to be on the other side of the mountain that I forget to enjoy the climb. Miley, for all the criticism that you get girl, you are rockin it! I am sincerely touched.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Family RULES!
I went to sleep semi-dreading the next day. I didn't dread the activities of the next day, but I dreaded that I would be one step closer to 30. I just finished reading a book that said that once you have hit 27, it is like you are 30 anyway, so you may as well get used to it. I do not recommend this book to any 26 year old turning 27! I haven't really cared about other years...26 seemed like the perfect age. Needless to say, I shed a tear or two thinking about all those people who would say, "Oh my word, she is 27, mormon and still single...something must be wrong." I had to get over this silly...YES, very silly notion that seemed to pop into my head at about 11:59 p.m. on May 15th. I was going to love 27...or so I kept telling myself!
I didn't make any huge plans. It's as if I didn't want people to know that I was leaving 26 behind. How rude of me, really ;) My friends were so sweet and planned a birthday dinner for me that night. We ate at my fave restaurant in SLC, The African Market. It was amazing to have some of my close friends come and share this experience. I remember my friends talking about having a party, but I just didn't want to,
because I didn't want anyone to know about my dread, gloom and doom.
So, (on my actual birthday) I didn't make any super huge plans. The plans I made for myself were to wake up at 7:00 a.m. on May 16th and go garage sailing (sale-ing) with my sister. That was all. Then I would go to a co-birthday BBQ that night. But that was it. I was trying to conceal my new age as much as possible.
7:00 a.m. came around and I took my time getting ready for the day. I knew it would be hot outside and I knew that I needed a shower. I contemplated jumping in the shower for about 20 minutes too late. "Ah, I will just get sweaty from hopping in and out of the car anyway...." I thought. So I didn't shower. I searched for one particular shirt I wanted to wear, but in vain. I forgot to do my laundry. I think it has been 3 weeks. Oh well. I put on a shirt I bought my freshman year of college and got ready to sale and sale hard!
I heard a knock at my door and took my time answering. I was still groggy...
I opened the door to greet my sister and my breath was knocked out of me. There stood my parents, Bryan and Jamie. They all yelled 'Happy Birthday!' Tears formed in my eyes as I hugged each one of them. Probably the best birthday present ever, I was swept away with emotion. Even writing this makes me tear up. I will never forget that my parents drove all the way from San Diego to be with me on my birthday.
Mom, Dad, Bryan, Jamie, Jordan and I went to breakfast near the Daybreak garage sales. I think I was in shock until after I finished my oh-so-healthy oatmeal. I just couldn't believe that they knew. I mean, how did they know that I needed them so much? I did. The last couple weeks have been some of the most trying and emotional. I needed to feel accepted, wanted and loved. What a perfect day! What an inredible family I have!
Needless to say, we went sale-ing together all day. Even my dad!! He put up with us screaming 'right' no 'left' or 'what is over there, dad go over there,' and 'ooh, this is pretty, should I get it?' and all that jazz. My age it didn't even seem to matter anymore. To be honest, I kind of forgot. My family will be with me no matter what, all the time, forever...and that is all I needed to get over that silly little notion of 27 is the new 30.
Time seemed to fly by. We ate a late lunch and went to Gardner Village to look at the cute shops. Again, the boys were awesome letting us do it! Then my whole mom's side of the family got together for dinner to celebrate all the May birthday's. Apparently everyone knew that the family was coming except for me. I couldn't stop smiling!
Then, after dinner, my family had to leave. I was so sad they had to go so soon, but then I realized they had just driven 12 hours for one day...to be with me...and I was grateful. I had a great chat about 'relationship' stuff with my parents...even my dad. I never quite tell him my relationship stuff, so it was amazing to hear what he had to say. All those things I have been wanting for my future seem so far away, but after talking with my dad, I realized there is no point in worrying so much about it. It was so refreshing to have his perspective on what dating is and how it should be. He told me I was doing the right thing, which is always nice to hear from him...!
I am the luckiest girl ever to have such a wonderful family and incredible friends who love and support me even when I am at my lows. I love you all so much and will never forget this birthday. I don't think anything is going to top this....but who knows...maybe 28 will be just as amazing.
I didn't make any huge plans. It's as if I didn't want people to know that I was leaving 26 behind. How rude of me, really ;) My friends were so sweet and planned a birthday dinner for me that night. We ate at my fave restaurant in SLC, The African Market. It was amazing to have some of my close friends come and share this experience. I remember my friends talking about having a party, but I just didn't want to,
because I didn't want anyone to know about my dread, gloom and doom.So, (on my actual birthday) I didn't make any super huge plans. The plans I made for myself were to wake up at 7:00 a.m. on May 16th and go garage sailing (sale-ing) with my sister. That was all. Then I would go to a co-birthday BBQ that night. But that was it. I was trying to conceal my new age as much as possible.
7:00 a.m. came around and I took my time getting ready for the day. I knew it would be hot outside and I knew that I needed a shower. I contemplated jumping in the shower for about 20 minutes too late. "Ah, I will just get sweaty from hopping in and out of the car anyway...." I thought. So I didn't shower. I searched for one particular shirt I wanted to wear, but in vain. I forgot to do my laundry. I think it has been 3 weeks. Oh well. I put on a shirt I bought my freshman year of college and got ready to sale and sale hard!
I heard a knock at my door and took my time answering. I was still groggy...
I opened the door to greet my sister and my breath was knocked out of me. There stood my parents, Bryan and Jamie. They all yelled 'Happy Birthday!' Tears formed in my eyes as I hugged each one of them. Probably the best birthday present ever, I was swept away with emotion. Even writing this makes me tear up. I will never forget that my parents drove all the way from San Diego to be with me on my birthday.
Mom, Dad, Bryan, Jamie, Jordan and I went to breakfast near the Daybreak garage sales. I think I was in shock until after I finished my oh-so-healthy oatmeal. I just couldn't believe that they knew. I mean, how did they know that I needed them so much? I did. The last couple weeks have been some of the most trying and emotional. I needed to feel accepted, wanted and loved. What a perfect day! What an inredible family I have!
Needless to say, we went sale-ing together all day. Even my dad!! He put up with us screaming 'right' no 'left' or 'what is over there, dad go over there,' and 'ooh, this is pretty, should I get it?' and all that jazz. My age it didn't even seem to matter anymore. To be honest, I kind of forgot. My family will be with me no matter what, all the time, forever...and that is all I needed to get over that silly little notion of 27 is the new 30.
Time seemed to fly by. We ate a late lunch and went to Gardner Village to look at the cute shops. Again, the boys were awesome letting us do it! Then my whole mom's side of the family got together for dinner to celebrate all the May birthday's. Apparently everyone knew that the family was coming except for me. I couldn't stop smiling!
Then, after dinner, my family had to leave. I was so sad they had to go so soon, but then I realized they had just driven 12 hours for one day...to be with me...and I was grateful. I had a great chat about 'relationship' stuff with my parents...even my dad. I never quite tell him my relationship stuff, so it was amazing to hear what he had to say. All those things I have been wanting for my future seem so far away, but after talking with my dad, I realized there is no point in worrying so much about it. It was so refreshing to have his perspective on what dating is and how it should be. He told me I was doing the right thing, which is always nice to hear from him...!I am the luckiest girl ever to have such a wonderful family and incredible friends who love and support me even when I am at my lows. I love you all so much and will never forget this birthday. I don't think anything is going to top this....but who knows...maybe 28 will be just as amazing.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Little lessons learned
You haven't heard from me because I am working on the design for my major research paper that is due at the end of my two-year masters extravaganza. Despite the fact that I have been completely relishing in the theory I am proving/disproving/exploring, I have found out some pretty interesting things about myself.
1. I like to plan. I already knew this about myself...but I never knew why it was such a big deal. I have been reading some pretty interesting research about motivation lately. Intended specifically for what I am trying to define in my studies, I found it very useful when defining myself.
In a research paper, Motivation When Optimism Declines: Data on Temporal Dynamics, by Wicker et al., I found this very interesting: "People set goals to maximize probabilities of success, and chances of felt success may be greater if goal levels are lowered whenever likelihoods of success appear lower." Very interesting...I can relate to this. I like to plan to MAXIMIZE success.
But, I think one thing I discovered about my fanatic 'planning' is taken from Dr. Gary Chapman's book: The Five Love Languages.
One of the five love languages is quality time. Here is what the book says about it:
"Quality activities are a very important part of quality time. Many mates feel most loved when they spend physical time together, doing activities that they love to do. Spending time together will bring a couple closer, and, in the years to come, will fill up a memory bank that you can reminisce about in the future.
Whether it’s sitting on the couch and having a brief conversation or playing together in a tennis league, quality time is a love language that is shared by many. Setting aside focused time with your mate will ensure a happy marriage."
What I realized about myself is I LOVE focused time. Focused time is quality time. This is why I plan...to make the most out of my time that I can. Does it mean that I can't be spontaneous? No, certainly not....but it means that I have ability to focus my attention on things without distraction! I love not being distracted, so I can more fully appreciate and focus my attention on those I love, or the activities that I love.
2. I hate failing. I always knew this about myself too. BUT not to the extent that I have experienced lately. I am dating. Yes, I am. It is new, fun, adventurous and totally stressful. This time, I realized that my dumb insecurities of failure are what generally keep me from progressing. I blame my education ;)
In the article, Hypocrisy in College Grading Yields a Flood of Mediocrity by Judith Schlesinger that talks about student motivation decline and increase depending on the 'mood' of the student. She mentions two dismaying realities about education now including "... a generation of students taught to believe that self-esteem is more important than real achievement."
My dad and I had a conversation once about entitlement. I can't remember the situation, but I remember telling my dad about how I felt in the workplace. Not out of inconsideration for my feelings, but to make a point, my dad said, "Lindsey, if you are expecting people to pat you on the back the whole time because you did your job, you are going to be thoroughly disappointed. You have to learn to fail, and fail well."
Even though his opinion in this matter could have been misconstrued as 'mean', he had a point. Our world has a huge sense of entitlement that prevents us from progressing. I think this in part has to do with our unwillingness to fail.
(On a tangent...this is also true of communications skills. We have not been taught how to work through problems. When in a relationship, the biggest 'out' for couples is when they don't know how to effectively communicate and work through their problems. I see this a lot with people dating and have noticed it in myself as well. Learning to communicate and realizing that setting unreal expectations prevents growth. Setting goals is part of growth, but unreal goals....hinders.)
Schlesinger had a very poignant theory (in talking about students): "With so little experience at surviving failure, they come to dread it."
This is also part of the article:
Afraid to stretch and dare, many become passive and bored, doing just enough to get by and wheedling through when they haven't."
Lately, I realized that I fit into this mold a little bit. I hate failing because I don't know how to fail well.
I have had to break free of this mentality that I 'deserve' certain things. I am not saying that I don't have goals, and I know that I have to break free of unreasonable expectations. I have to learn how to fail well and pull back up again, learning from my failures and realizing that growth happens when we take our failures and turn them into something positive. I know I will probably have to work on this a little bit... it is not going to come easily for me ;)
Who knew that researching for my major research paper could be so AWESOME. These are some great insights....! I love school!
1. I like to plan. I already knew this about myself...but I never knew why it was such a big deal. I have been reading some pretty interesting research about motivation lately. Intended specifically for what I am trying to define in my studies, I found it very useful when defining myself.
In a research paper, Motivation When Optimism Declines: Data on Temporal Dynamics, by Wicker et al., I found this very interesting: "People set goals to maximize probabilities of success, and chances of felt success may be greater if goal levels are lowered whenever likelihoods of success appear lower." Very interesting...I can relate to this. I like to plan to MAXIMIZE success.
But, I think one thing I discovered about my fanatic 'planning' is taken from Dr. Gary Chapman's book: The Five Love Languages.
One of the five love languages is quality time. Here is what the book says about it:
"Quality activities are a very important part of quality time. Many mates feel most loved when they spend physical time together, doing activities that they love to do. Spending time together will bring a couple closer, and, in the years to come, will fill up a memory bank that you can reminisce about in the future.
Whether it’s sitting on the couch and having a brief conversation or playing together in a tennis league, quality time is a love language that is shared by many. Setting aside focused time with your mate will ensure a happy marriage."
What I realized about myself is I LOVE focused time. Focused time is quality time. This is why I plan...to make the most out of my time that I can. Does it mean that I can't be spontaneous? No, certainly not....but it means that I have ability to focus my attention on things without distraction! I love not being distracted, so I can more fully appreciate and focus my attention on those I love, or the activities that I love.
2. I hate failing. I always knew this about myself too. BUT not to the extent that I have experienced lately. I am dating. Yes, I am. It is new, fun, adventurous and totally stressful. This time, I realized that my dumb insecurities of failure are what generally keep me from progressing. I blame my education ;)
In the article, Hypocrisy in College Grading Yields a Flood of Mediocrity by Judith Schlesinger that talks about student motivation decline and increase depending on the 'mood' of the student. She mentions two dismaying realities about education now including "... a generation of students taught to believe that self-esteem is more important than real achievement."
My dad and I had a conversation once about entitlement. I can't remember the situation, but I remember telling my dad about how I felt in the workplace. Not out of inconsideration for my feelings, but to make a point, my dad said, "Lindsey, if you are expecting people to pat you on the back the whole time because you did your job, you are going to be thoroughly disappointed. You have to learn to fail, and fail well."
Even though his opinion in this matter could have been misconstrued as 'mean', he had a point. Our world has a huge sense of entitlement that prevents us from progressing. I think this in part has to do with our unwillingness to fail.
(On a tangent...this is also true of communications skills. We have not been taught how to work through problems. When in a relationship, the biggest 'out' for couples is when they don't know how to effectively communicate and work through their problems. I see this a lot with people dating and have noticed it in myself as well. Learning to communicate and realizing that setting unreal expectations prevents growth. Setting goals is part of growth, but unreal goals....hinders.)
Schlesinger had a very poignant theory (in talking about students): "With so little experience at surviving failure, they come to dread it."
This is also part of the article:
"In fact, Miles [researcher mentioned earlier in article] blames the lack of failure experience for the decline in curiosity, which he defines as "the willingness to learn despite the risk of embarrassment.
In the feel-good model that has dominated American education for the past 30 years, all efforts were equally worthy, and grading was either meaningless or eliminated altogether. This stunted students' ability to differentiate quality from sham, making them more vulnerable to every shiny come-on the world can throw at them.
And learners protected from honest judgment never learn to, as Miles says, 'recognize, accept, understand and learn from mistakes," critical abilities in our fast-changing world.'Afraid to stretch and dare, many become passive and bored, doing just enough to get by and wheedling through when they haven't."
Lately, I realized that I fit into this mold a little bit. I hate failing because I don't know how to fail well.
I have had to break free of this mentality that I 'deserve' certain things. I am not saying that I don't have goals, and I know that I have to break free of unreasonable expectations. I have to learn how to fail well and pull back up again, learning from my failures and realizing that growth happens when we take our failures and turn them into something positive. I know I will probably have to work on this a little bit... it is not going to come easily for me ;)
Who knew that researching for my major research paper could be so AWESOME. These are some great insights....! I love school!
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