I HATE depression. I hate what It does to my loved one's. I hate what It does to me. How do I make my HATE of this THING, this It, disappear? Do I educate myself on It? Do I cry and cry, and cry, hoping that my tears will heal It? How do I rely on Jesus Christ to fix what is broken?
I ask these questions....and then I do it all, and in the end, I am
exhausted - my hope droops, my heart feels like the Grinches' puny one
before it gets big - I get angry, I feel weak, I feel faithless, I
become someone I am not.
At the first sign of trouble, I wanted to educate myself on depression, but found that I was too far removed to do so. What was the point of educating myself on It if the one person I love the most is so deep in It to want out? What good will it do to have answers or potential solutions when the strain It wreaks of the feeling of inadequacy?
Just as the water comes up to take me down to its depths, things start looking good. The water becomes smooth as if there was never a storm. I begin to swim and to relax and play in the water.
Then the storm hits, and I struggle against it and fight hard. Sometimes a lifeboat comes to rescue me. Sometimes, I am strong enough to defeat the storm and stay afloat. Sometimes I take quite a beating and wait it out until the storm is over. This time, the water almost won. That is when I decided it was time.
I begin my research. I want to destroy It....and I want to defeat the storm.
The blog: Focus on the Family: How to Help When Your Spouse is Depressed, shares a story about a couple who managed to make it work, through It. The article tells the story of Sandra who went to see a doctor about her sudden and abrupt bought of depression, she shares,"Tim and I were
both raised to believe that true Christians were happy, thankful people.
I was convinced that my misery was caused by a lack of faith, not a
medical condition. But truthfully, I wasn't sure which option scared me
more. I couldn't even bring myself to tell Tim that the doctor had
called my mental health into question."
Over the next few months, Sandra tried to bury her secret — but her
sorrow was too pervasive to hide. Their frightened children began asking
what was wrong with Mom.
In the meantime, Tim admits his concern turned to frustration. "I'd
ask again and again what was wrong, but she never had an answer," he
says. "Not only was I aggravated by my feelings of helplessness, I was
angry the life I'd worked so hard to provide wasn't enough to make her
happy."
"And the more angry he got, the more he'd withdraw from me," Sandra
adds. "Then I'd feel guilty and withdraw even more. We just kept
drifting further apart."
Despite her efforts to pray during that time, Sandra admits she found
it almost impossible to muster the strength or the words. She felt she
was not only losing her mind and her family, but now even God had
abandoned her."
Then the article then states these beautiful words, BEGIN QUOTE:
Preparing Yourself to Help Your Loved One
Flight attendants always tell you to put on your own oxygen mask
before helping someone next to you. In the same way, it's important to
prepare yourself before attempting to assist others when a spouse is
depressed. Deep sorrow can be infectious, and it's not uncommon for
caregivers to develop symptoms of depression themselves. Guard against
this possibility by eating well, exercising, getting enough sleep, and
staying in the Word.
Also keep an eye on your kids. Children are often vulnerable to a
parent's anxiety. One study indicates that 20% of 10-year-olds whose
mothers suffered from depression were themselves victims within five
years.
Don't underestimate the value of caring friends and family at times
like this. Let loved ones help you with day-to-day tasks, and allow them
to listen to and pray with you. The surest way to intensify your
struggle is to isolate yourself and your immediate family from those who
love you.
Reaching Out to Your Spouse
When a care-giver understands that clinical depression is a genuine
medical condition, he or she may actually feel empowered. It's
encouraging to realize there are a number of tangible ways to help a
spouse who is depressed:
DO
- Pray fervently with and for them.
- Share meaningful Scripture verses.
- Help them see that the family needs them to get well.
- Listen; give credibility to their feelings.
- Seek help for yourself and offer to see a therapist with them.
- Encourage them to consider medication; research shows that 80% of
those suffering from depressive disorders can be treated successfully
with modern medications.
- Show affection; encourage them to get out and do things with you.
DON'T
- Tell your loved one to just pray about it or make them feel like healing would come if they'd simply trust God more.
- Make them feel guilty for the impact of their illness on the family.
- Blame or criticize them.
- Imply that they need help because they're weak. Also, don't
immediately exclude other family members from counseling. Sometimes,
complex relational issues involving several family members can spark
depression.
- Expect medication to solve everything. Also, don't discount the need for prayer — and possibly therapy.
- Let them continue in a pattern of sleep and isolation.
END QUOTE
While It does not define me or my sweetheart, the experience certainly does and will. Now you know....and now you can share what you have learned with me.
Maybe this article and your advice will be the floating device I need to win over the storm this time. With helpful Do's and Don't's maybe, just maybe things will get better. Maybe that will be us sitting on the porch swing holding hands. Thinking about the future like this again gives me joy, even if only fleeting. It gives me hope, even if only a sliver.
I have been sitting here almost all morning reading and crying, reading and crying. I was recently exposed to this amazing website where people can write their experiences receiving kindness. Remember my post Finding Happiness When I am Overwhelmed With Humanity? I am so grateful to have found this outlet that I can turn to when I am in my search for goodness in this world.
The website I am talking about is called Anonymous Thank Yous. Thank you to the "conceptualizers" of this website. And Thank You all for your stories that touch me to the point of tears.
I have become transfixed on the idea that laughing improves happiness. In one of my favorite talks by Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin, called Come What May and Love it, he talks about a time his daughter was supposed to go on a blind date that he and his wife weren't super excited about. An older gentleman came to the door to pick her up. She made introductions to her family, and they got in the car. For what seemed several minutes, the car didn't move. He shares his account:
"We watched as she got into the car, but the car didn’t move. Eventually
our daughter got out of the car and, red faced, ran back into the house.
The man that she thought was her blind date had actually come to pick
up another of our daughters who had agreed to be a babysitter for him
and his wife.
We all had a good laugh over that. In fact, we couldn’t stop laughing.
Later, when our daughter’s real blind date showed up, I couldn’t come
out to meet him because I was still in the kitchen laughing. Now, I
realize that our daughter could have felt humiliated and embarrassed.
But she laughed with us, and as a result, we still laugh about it today.
The next time you’re tempted to groan, you might try to laugh instead.
It will extend your life and make the lives of all those around you more
enjoyable."
I recently read an article talking about the health benefits of laughing. From the online website, Helpguide.org, the article Laughter is the Best Medicine states:
"Laughter is a powerful antidote to stress, pain, and conflict.
Nothing works faster or more dependably to bring your mind and body back
into balance than a good laugh. Humor lightens your burdens, inspires
hopes, connects you to others, and keeps you grounded, focused, and
alert.
With so much power to heal and renew, the ability to
laugh easily and frequently is a tremendous resource for surmounting
problems, enhancing your relationships, and supporting both physical and
emotional health."
I always heard that when a person smiles, they use less muscles than when they frown. I didn't know how true this was, but I liked the idea. I decided to see what Snopes.com said about it. Just in case you didn't know, Snopes.com is all about getting to the bottom of rumors, spam, and untrue social media circulation.
Here is what they say on the theory, "The saying's age is not its only mystery; there's no real agreement as to how many muscles have to be worked in the face to produce a smile or a frown. And, given that even what constitutes a smile is up for grabs (some avow the muscles around the eyes get involved; other discount that and look only to those necessary to lift the corners of the mouth), it's possible this is one of those questions for which there will never be a definitive answer. YET whatever medical science ultimately decides about how many angles are dancing on the the head of this particular pin, we would say the resultant numbers would be immaterial because it's the homily's underlying message that matters not the raw facts of it."
I started reading Bram Stoker's Dracula for the first time. I LOVE it! There was one chapter where after a traumatic experience Dr. Van Helsing starts crying then laughing, then crying, then laughing. The person who was with him during this episode,and who knew the history of the occasion, was confused by these outbursts thinking them inappropriate or rude.
When asked how these outbursts came about, Van Helsing said some magical words, "...King Laugh, he come to me and shout and bellow in my ear, "Here I am! Here I am!" till the blood come dance back and bring some of the sunshine that he carry with him to my cheek. Oh, friend John, it is a strange world, a sad world, a world full of miseries and woes, and troubles; and yet when King Laugh come he make them all dance to the tune he play. [Excerpt continues] But King Laugh he come like sunshine, and he ease off the strain again, and we bear to go on with our labour, what it may be."
I too have experienced laughing fits. They are certainly harder to come by when stress is the rue of the day. But once had, it is not hard for me to want and to crave after laughter. I like surrounding myself with people who are quick to laugh. I am often jealous of those people who make others laugh with such ease. At first, I was bothered by not being that person, but now I just seek the company of those who make me laugh, and LOVE it.
While I haven't necessarily been able to prove that laughing improves happiness through data or research, I can attest to how it helps me alleviate stress, improves my personal morale, encourages those around me, breaks down barriers, and helps me "ease the strain," all of which contribute to my happiness.
What do you think? Does laughter affect you the way it does me?
And just for kicks, I have included one of my favorite videos that gave me one of the best laughing fits. Enjoy!
October flew by, and I was able to accomplish various happiness project resolutions, while I still need to hone some others. For the month of November, I have updated my resolutions, and have kept some the same but added a little spark to them so it creates a noticeable difference, yet produces the same outcome. It is my way of tricking myself into thinking that I did not fail to meet all my resolutions last month, but that I wanted to improve them for this month. Maybe 'not lying to myself' would be a great resolution.
My resolutions for November are:
- Spirituality: Start attending the family history center
- Marriage: Sing the words to my sweetheart when I am stressed. Come up with slogans or funny liners to help diffuse the tension when annoying habits enter the room.
- Finances: Combine and join accounts. Start living out of one account.
- Family/Friends: Schedule time to be with friends instead of going home to be on my own. Start a FB page with memorabilia.
- Intellect: Start writing about behavioral issues on the blog to develop awareness and record understanding/growth on the subject.
- Health: Meditate at least 30 minutes per day.
- Time: Continue throwing things away. Scan unnecessary but wanted paperwork, photos, and memorabilia.
- Passion: Go to the art museum. Go for a hike. Finish one book other than intellect studies.
I am excited about these resolutions and can't wait to report on them. If you feel like you want to make your own, here is a copy of my spreadsheet that I use. In addition, Gretchen Rubin, author of the Happiness Project also has a start-up kit free on her website.
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I read this truly inspired article about marriage that I feel everyone should read.
I am impressed with the author's ability to capture something so profound. I remember my dad offering a similar opinion stating that before a couple is married, they are only really given a glimpse of what it would be like to be with that person forever. That the 'love' we feel for them is only a snippet - a snippet enough to get you married. After that, you discover what being truly in love really means.
Most often it is not romantic or whimsical, but built on the challenges you overcome together - even if that challenge is surviving the first year together. Don't misunderstand, it can be romantic and whimsical, over time.
I hope you enjoy the article as much as I did, and don't let the title fool you: Marriage Isn't For You in the online blog Forward Walking.
Just as the water comes up to take me down to its depths, things start looking good. The water becomes smooth as if there was never a storm. I begin to swim and to relax and play in the water. 
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