Conscious Uncoupling, Co-parenting, Every Divorce is Different

I remember reading an article when Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin got divorced about conscious uncoupling. At first, I thought it was just a PR ploy so this public couple could take ownership of the situation and not allow everyone else to read into their split. There was a lot of backlash too when it was first introduced. While it was a brilliant PR move, absolutely, I didn't understand the depth and genuine nature of the psychology behind this idea until recently.

Since our divorce, I have read many articles and books. I have visited and still visit with a counselor, leaders in my faith, friends, colleagues, parents, siblings, you name it. I remember attending a court-ordered session (mentioned in my previous blog post) discussing the soon-to-be dynamics of our family. After we went, Adam and I had a heart-felt conversation that we wanted our divorce to be different. I recognize this is not unique to us - a lot of divorcing couples feel the same way. 

In the article: Gwyneth Paltrow Hoped to Reinvent Divorce with Chris Martin, by USA Today contributor Susan Haas, Paltrow said, "I just thought, 'I wonder if there's a way to circumvent that [meaning the ugliness that comes with divorce sometimes] and just go directly to the point where we're friends.' We're family, that's it," she said. "We can pretend we're not, and hate each other ... or, let's try to reinvent this for ourselves."

In the article: The breakup guru who invented unconscious coupling: I understand the backlash by Emine Saner, Katherine Woodward Thomas explains that she and her former husband both had parents who experienced traumatic divorces, and didn't want their daughter to have the same experience because they remember it being so painful for everyone.

“We aligned on an intention together to make sure our daughter could still have a happy childhood,” says Woodward Thomas. “That intention kept calling us to rise to be the bigger person, to take the high road at every turn. He started a culture between us of generosity and cooperation. When we’re married, we understand the need to put money in the emotional bank account by being nice to each other, doing thoughtful things for each other, not badmouthing each other, but I think when we divorce we forget that if we have children, we’re still going to be a family. You have to build your new [post-divorce] family.”

Since November, Adam and I have had discussions about these ideas. I don't want to speak for him, but I knew I wanted to create the kind of relationship that we could be proud of, and our conversations illuminated that this is something he wants too. 

I have had to take comments, advice, etc., with a grain of salt. I am part of conversations where some have said: "shouldn't you be doing XYZ?" or "well, when I went through mine, we did this, so you should do this" or "don't do XYZ." 

While people have good intentions, we decided that every divorce is different and that we were going to do our best to create the kind of cordial, amiable, kind environment we can so our kids can see that we can rise above it. I also recognize this doesn't work for everyone....and that is OK too.

As we have tried to do what is best for the kids, there is no doubt that we have had some highs and lows, some things that work and some things that don't work. We are still navigating hurt and pain individually and sometimes that shows up in our interactions in front of the kids. 

For now, I am grateful and honored to have a co-parent who is willing to try to have this kind of relationship centered around kindness.

Saving Up Love for the Hard Times

My good friend posted this for me, and it brought me to tears. I love what this couple did to keep their marriage strong. The part that resonated with me the most was that the love they accumulated over time was what they needed to sustain themselves through the hard times. 

This is a tear-jerker: 

http://www.faithit.com/?p=1484

My takeaways:

• You have to save up the love in order to use it for a rainy day
• Love grows with time - growth that contributes to a profound and deep love
• When we serve each other, love grows stronger
• Love notes are not only sweet, but sustain us

Other articles I found a while back that talk about things that can be enhanced or avoided in marriage in order to strengthen it:

15 Things Wives Should Not Be Doing by Mary Mary Larmoyeux at Family Life

10 Bad Habits That Could Ruin Your Marriage by Emily Battaglia at Lifescript

10 Blunders to Avoid by Laurie Puhn, PhD at Fox News

Strengthening Marriage Through Faith and Prayer: LDS.org

The Marriage Learning Curve, Lesson 7: Compliment Each Other Daily

I remember going out on a date with a guy who complimented me relentlessly. At first, I liked it. I mean, who doesn't like to hear that they are amazing? After the two hour date and numerous compliments, I didn't feel like he was being sincere, and became easily annoyed with his overly complimentary nature. I went out on another date with this gentleman and doubled with his sister. I noticed that she too complimented not only me, but him and her husband all night. This really got me thinking about compliments and why receiving too many made me feel nervous.

I thought back to my childhood and asked, did my parents often express compliments to one another? I recall my dad always telling us things that mom did that were amazing, and complimenting her on them too. I am sure there could have been more compliments, but there you have it. I thought back to my personal life. Did I compliment or receive compliments often? From my reaction, most likely not. I thought about what it means to give someone a compliment. Did I have a hard time realizing and recognizing the gifts/talents of others' and compliment them? Perhaps. I realized that it was so natural for me to be a little prideful and get so involved with ME and what I was doing that I often forget others' and their amazing contributions to life.

This thought has been on my mind lately as it relates to marriage. My sweetheart and I are pretty good at letting one another know that we love each other, which is GREAT. Admittedly, my sweetheart is really good at letting ME know how amazing I am. However, I struggle to let him know how amazing he is. I have evaluated why it is so hard for me to give him compliments. I look back at some of my former posts, and think back to a conversation I had with my BFF about expectations. 

As you may be aware, I am very hard on myself. Perhaps it goes back to this idea of perfection I talked about in one of my earlier posts. Regardless, my theory is that because I am so hard on myself, and my expectations for myself are enormously high (I expect perfection, remember?), that it somehow translates to the relationship I have with my sweetheart.THAT POOR POOR MAN! Perhaps I can liken this to an example. 

CAUTION, the following example is only hypothetical.

Let's say, for example, I have asked my sweetheart to help me finish cleaning the dishes. In my mind doing and completely finishing the dishes includes:

• Sticking all the dirty dishes in the dishwasher including any that are on the stove top oven, on the table, or on the counter tops
• Doing any dishes that don't fit in the dishwasher by hand. This entails washing, drying, and putting dishes away
• Growing up, doing dishes also meant wiping down the table and cleaning up any messes on the stove top, oven, microwave, etc.

After my sweetheart announces that he has completed the dishes, I noticed that the oven isn't wiped down, and there were still dishes in the sink even though the dishwasher was going. I said a quick thank you, but he could tell that I was disappointed, because I have a very expressive face (another reason I don't play poker).

So, even though my sweetheart completed his chore, I reacted by being short with him. I was irrational with my expectations, and in the end did not compliment him verbally or otherwise by my reaction. 

While there are other issues going on in this VERY hypothetical example like communicating my expectations better, etc., I have noticed when I compliment him on things he has done, or the person he is, there is less contention between us. Bottom line.

The article Improve Your Marriage Compliment Daily talks about the different kinds of compliments a person can give in their marriage, and talks about what readers can do to put this idea into practice. The article says, "Your spouse does a lot that deserves your appreciation. Maybe it’s keep­ing the house or yard in order; it might be managing children or finances; it could even be going to work or to the grocery store. Most people like to be recognized for a job well done. When you feel appreciated, you tend to feel loved.

...if you haven’t complimented your spouse lately, it’s time to start. Don’t miss a powerful opportunity to commu­nicate your love and strengthen your relationship."


I also loved these articles that talk about complimenting a spouse:

How to Compliment Your Spouse
The Power of the Candid Compliment
8 Things Couples Should Do to Keep the Spark Alive

After I addressed some of my 'expectation' issues, I started to practice complimenting my sweetheart more. At first it was hard because it wasn't something I was used to and it felt a little fabricated. I think that is actually quite normal. It will feel weird at first, especially if you are not used to it. I was also afraid of not appearing genuine to him. 

Over time, it has become easier for me to compliment my sweetheart and on things I REALLY do appreciate. It has made my heart more open to recognizing those things he does for me, and therefore makes it easier for me to compliment him. I don't know if I will be perfect at this, but I am trying...and you know, it makes me happy to know I have a wonderful man by my side deserving of all the compliments life can give him.

The Marriage Learning Curve, Lesson 6: Opportunity to Grow

I have been struck lately by the idea that it is a divine opportunity to grow together in a marriage, but it is also a divine opportunity to grow individually. Lately I have been struggling with this concept and how that fits into our marriage. Every once in a while I find peace in hearing about someone else who also has had a tough time understanding this same concept, and learning about what they did to pull through. I am uplifted in seeing couples who, despite their individual trials, can testify of the sanctity of marriage, and how precious it is. I admire people who share openly their trials and admit that they too are anxious and nervous, like me. At the end of the day, I realize that this experience gives me the opportunity to really rely on those foundational elements I learned so greatly about when I was single: patience and endurance being the top two.

I was humbled today by this video the church put out, and again thank my Heavenly Father for my opportunity to grow individually in order to grow together....


I recently read an article, Stage Sets and Scribbling: How Personal Growth Enhances Marriage. She starts off telling a story about the day she told her friend that she had fallen in love with her husband over and over again. When her friend asked her how she could possible do that, she responded that she was changing and he was changing all the time for the better, and those changed people still found one another. I found this article refreshing as it discussed a full and eternal love that companions can have for one another. In addition, she discusses the need to grow individually, as well as together. Each of us are blessed with different likes and dislikes. This doesn't have to be a burden on marriage, but should provide variety and excitement. The article states, "We have discovered that our marriage is most vibrant when each of us is true to that inner voice that whispers, “Go forth, progress, learn, develop, become.” The renewal process of marriage begins with the renewal process of the individual." 

Other inspiring articles: 
What Happily Married Couples Do
Union of Love and Understanding

You Thought I Was Done Posting About Our Wedding...Didn't You?

I am not quite finished posting about our wedding day. Want a glance?

Click here to view this photo book larger

Plug for Shutterfly photo books. Super excited to get mine in the mail!

The Marriage Learning Curve, Lesson 5: Confess Your Expenses, Even if You May Think They Are Justified

Sweetheart and I are saving our pennies. Yes, that's right. Even though we both have great jobs, we have had to altar our comfortable lifestyle and be careful about spending. We have both been down this road before, but for some reason, it is harder to do together. How could this be?? The road is long and hard, especially with different spending habits. 

In the meantime, I went to the library on Saturday to study. I find the best studying happens there. The parking lot was crowded, and it made me happy to think that so many people were going to the library. Little did I know that the whole library was having a book sale. I knew that concentrating might be tough, but I went forward with headphones, highlighters, pens, and books. I set all my things up, got ready to go, and couldn't stop thinking about all those books for sale. I won't say that I bit my nails, because I have since stopped that nasty habit, even though sweetheart might tell you differently. 

After reading two paragraphs of my PMP book, I couldn't take it anymore, I had to participate in the sale, and by participate I mean act as the purchaser/buyer. I wandered the aisles of full bookcases in wonder. I felt like Belle on Beauty and the Beast, like Joe from Little Women. I wanted to read each cover, but I told sweetheart that I was studying, and really, I needed to study. So, I only read a couple. I ended up buying 10 books. With the purchase out of the way, I could finally sigh with relief and get back to studying. I knew sweetheart and I were meeting up later, so I finished up, but not before I checked one more area for other books that I might have missed. I ended up buying 6 more books. 16 books!!

At this point I was reluctant to tell sweetheart. I mean, here we are pinching and saving, eating Ramen again, and I go off and spend money on books. I was ashamed, and felt super guilty. But I was able to justify myself into the purchases thinking, "These are books I just bought...BOOKS. There is nothing wrong with buying something that will invigorate my mind, help me learn and grow, could potentially help my children learn and grow, right? AND it is helping the children of Fairfax...way to go Fairfax County library!"

Either way, I decided I wasn't going to tell sweetheart about the purchase, and kept the books in the backseat of my car, where he might never look.

The first thing I blurted out when I saw sweetheart again was "There was a book sale at the library today, and I didn't think I could study, but I did." (Insert nervous laugh here). We ended up talking about this and that and I was quickly able to avoid the conversation that I just spent a lot of moola on books. (Wipe forehead "Whew"). 

Sweetheart and I ended up taking an excursion to Dora Kelly Nature Park. We took my car on the way there and he saw the bag of books and said, "Huh, did you find the sale?" I sheepishly looked at him and said, "No! Who do you think I am!?" The subject was dropped, and we had a lovely evening together.

The next day after church, because I was feeling penitent, and even though I knew that he already knew, I said "Honey, I have a confession. I bought a bunch of books at the sale yesterday." We just looked at each other and laughed. Of course he already knew, and confessed he knew the moment I said "book sale."

It is a sad day when I have to hide my purchased books in the backseat of my car ;) Good thing I really didn't hide them. And that is where my next piece of advice for marrieds comes from - don't keep expenditures from each other, and if you do....make it funny.

I guess I better tell him I bought a couple boxes of cookies yesterday too, even though we are over our grocery budget.....

The Marriage Learning Curve, Lesson 4: There is Timing for Two

One of the hardest things for me to understand is timing - that everything has its season. I have always had a hard time with this concept, especially when I was single. Remember my posts regarding Timing and Hope: Nobody's Fool, and Another blog about dating? Even after having 'coped' with the idea for so long, I find myself needing to recall what I learned, and understand that the Lord is not only working with my time table, but also working with sweetheart's too. Which means that now I have to learn not to worry about timing in mine and his life.

Talking about where we want to be in the next several years, kids, jobs, finances, etc., is SO tiring. Trying to seek inspiration for myself has never been my strong suit. The way I receive inspiration and the way my sweetheart receives inspiration is so different, you can see why our conversations about the future are so frustrating. My sweetheart lives his life and things just happen. I plan, and then things happen. Again, I must say how hard it is for me to let things happen. I have always been one of those girls that has to do everything I can then let the Lord take over the rest. However, during MY process, I tend to get weary, frustrated, and end up questioning my faith and hope in everything. So, why can't I just try it my sweetheart's way, and just roll with it? I think the first step for me is renewing my faith in the concept of timing.

I am reading The Secret Life of Bees by Sue Monk Kidd.

I don't want to spoil it, but one chapter really struck a chord with me. Essentially, the main character is having a hard time coping with some hard situations in her life, and has a hard time facing truth. Her heart needed healing and needed strength. Her mentor tells her: "There's a fullness of time for things, Lily. You have to know when to prod and when to be quiet, when to let things take their course."

I have not been succeeding on the "knowing when to prod and when to be quiet" portion. When I am in conversation with my sweetheart, it is so hard for me to understand how he has learned to make decisions. My way is so very different...but that's just it...that was MY way. And to be honest MY way is certainly not the best way sometimes, particularly when it comes to timing.

In a talk, Timing, given by Dallin H. Oaks, he says:

"The familiar observation that “timing is everything” surely overstates the point, but timing is vital. We read in Ecclesiastes:

“To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

“A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; …

“A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

“… A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; …

“… A time to keep silence, and a time to speak” (Eccl. 3:1–2, 4–5, 7).

In all the important decisions in our lives, what is most important is to do the right thing. Second, and only slightly behind the first, is to do the right thing at the right time. People who do the right thing at the wrong time can be frustrated and ineffective. They can even be confused about whether they made the right choice when what was wrong was not their choice but their timing.

My first point on the subject of timing is that the Lord has His own timetable. “My words are sure and shall not fail,” the Lord taught the early elders of this dispensation. “But,” He continued, “all things must come to pass in their time” (D&C 64:31–32).

The first principle of the gospel is faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. Faith means trust—trust in God’s will, trust in His way of doing things, and trust in His timetable. We should not try to impose our timetable on His. As Elder Neal A. Maxwell of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles has said:

“The issue for us is trusting God enough to trust also His timing. If we can truly believe He has our welfare at heart, may we not let His plans unfold as He thinks best? The same is true with the second coming and with all those matters wherein our faith needs to include faith in the Lord’s timing for us personally, not just in His overall plans and purposes.” ¹

Indeed, we cannot have true faith in the Lord without also having complete trust in the Lord’s will and in the Lord’s timing.

In our service in the Lord’s Church we should remember that when is just as important as who, what, where, and how."

I need to remember that my sweetheart and I are both in this learning process together, and that when we trust in the Lord's timing we will be happy. I understand that there is a season of learning and opportunities that will come to my sweetheart, another season for opportunities for me, and a season for us. I know that as my sweetheart is directed by inspiration about our next steps, what jobs to take, where to live, etc, that I will be alongside him and will support him. When the scriptures tell us to 'cleave' to one another, this is what is meant. As my sweetheart follows the words of the Lord, I will follow my sweetheart.

In the meantime, I know we can't be lazy about it. We still have to work, pray, seek inspiration through the Spirit of Christ, involve others, read scripture, etc. This small testimony I have about timing helps me worry less about where we need to be and the 'right way' to make decisions. It helps me focus on being present and seeing the miracles around me. I am better able to love the one I am with. Even if the road my sweetheart wants to take isn't the road I may have typically gone down in the past, this testimony of timing helps me realize that there is probably another road we haven't seen yet. Even if the third road is not there, my testimony of timing helps me merge onto his road.

The PMP and Marriage

I am studying for my PMP (Project Management Professional) certificate and exam that I take SOON! In Rita Mulcahy's PMP Exam Prep Seventh Edition, she discusses effective communication models as part of the standards, which have been identified by the Project Management Institute as best practices in project management. Having to meet certain standards in the professional world is something I feel every company/organization should work up to, as the definition of standard is: a level of quality or attainment. I find that creating standards is helpful, and should be something we strive for. 

That being said, most standards I am learning about to become a PMP somehow relates to creating standards in personal life also - and in particular my relationship with my sweetheart. I find that when something is top of mind that everything seems to relate to it, if we seek the connection. And so, here is how I think the PMP relates to my marital relationship.

Human Resource Management: I read that there are several different leadership styles including, supporting, autocratic, consultative, consensus, delegating, bureaucratic, charismatic, etc. In the autocratic way of leadership, the manager has the power to do whatever they want, and when it is demanded, people do it. In the consultative leadership role, the manager uses their influence and others' opinions/ideas to achieve results. 

I thought about what leadership role I execute in my relationship with my sweetheart. I find it is hard not to be autocratic because I just want to get 'it' done - whatever 'it' means. 'It' can be defined as doing the dishes, making decisions on where to live, selling parts to the broken tv, etc. I just want to say "OK, the dishes are in the sink, it's time to do them," or "The tv better be gone by tomorrow since it will most likely sit in the house, broken for ages." But that is not the best role for me to execute in my relationship with my sweetheart. The best role in this situation is consultative. Discussing who should do the dishes and what should be done with the tv, seem to be the most effective form of communication and reduces overall conflict. 

Conflict Resolution: The book says that conflict could be caused by personality differences, and is often avoided where possible. In addition, some people turn to physical separation as a way to resolve conflict, which tends to enhance the conflict. The book suggests that Project Managers (PM's) look at new ways to deal with conflict, and changing their overall perception of conflict. The books suggests that conflict is supposed to happen. It is natural to have conflict in organizations, just like it is natural to have conflict in relationships. Once PM's regard conflict this way, and once I start changing my perception, conflict will be easier to manage, because I am not trying to avoid it. Conflict can also help. With anything that is growing and progressing, it is important to realize that conflict can be beneficial, and help companies adapt and grow toward a common goal. Isn't it the same in my relationship? You bet. Even though sometimes the conflict hurts. In addition, conflict is resolved by open communication, and involves problem solving techniques. Not much is needed as a follow up here. Just an AMEN. 

Communication Management: Most of what is communicated is nonverbal. The book discusses physical mannerisms and how that aids or deters effective communication. I notice that my sweetheart thinks I am uninterested in what he is saying when I look tired. It is important for me to strive to be better at expressing my interest particularly when I am tired. The book also says that paralingual communications, or rather the pitch and tone of voice, also affects effective communication. I can't tell you how true this is. When my pitch rises, my sweetheart thinks I am getting angry, and vice versa. I may just think I am passionate about the subject, but it is important for me to maintain a certain voice that allows for openness. It also lets the receiver interpret the information without the added pressure of reading into my volume.

Risk Management: A PM's work should not focus on dealing with problems, but rather working to prevent them. I love this standard. Often when I am dealing with problems, I am not having a good time, am often cross and tired, and don't enjoy the journey. I really do believe that if I could spend more time working to prevent conflict, the journey wouldn't be so bumpy, and I might enjoy it a lot more. I have yet to discover how to practice this in my marital relationship. 

I am sure there are several other things that I could relate, but these were top of mind. Who knew that project management had so much correlation to my personal marital journey? I think it would be funny to put a project management plan together and present it to my sweetheart. Perhaps I will!

The Marriage Learning Curve, Lesson 3: Love the Person You Found

Love has never been something I struggled to give. During my courtship experiences I would fright those boys with too much love! That's right, they would sense that I had so much of it, and weren't ready to receive it :) My friends often told me that I needed to wait a long time when I was interested in someone before I showed all that love. I just couldn't help it.

I have been blessed with people around me who love too. I love, love. Isn't it strange then that love has a tendency to wax and wane with the people that are closest to us? Sometimes I am so full of it, I could burst, but sometimes I am am hanging on to a thread. In my relationships with my family, close friends, and now my sweetheart, I find that sometimes the moon is full, and sometimes the moon is a sliver fingernail in the dark sky. Sometimes I question, I doubt, I fear what true love can really be. Why - when, me....huge heart, amazing, me - loves love so much?

I believe the original post comes from the Empower Network, but I found this profound article through our favorite social media site FB.

ARE YOU WITH THE RIGHT PARTNER?

During a seminar, a woman asked," How do I know if I am with the right person?"

The author then noticed that there was a large man sitting next to her so he said, "It depends. Is that your partner?" In all seriousness, she answered "How do you know?" Let me answer this question because the chances are good that it's weighing on your mind replied the author.

Here's the answer.

Every relationship has a cycle… In the beginning; you fall in love with your partner. You anticipate their calls, want their touch, and like their idiosyncrasies. Falling in love wasn't hard. In fact, it was a completely natural and spontaneous experience. You didn't have to DO anything. That's why it's called "falling" in love.

People in love sometimes say, "I was swept of my feet."Picture the expression. It implies that you were just standing there; doing nothing, and then something happened TO YOU.

Falling in love is a passive and spontaneous experience. But after a few months or years of being together, the euphoria of love fades. It's a natural cycle of EVERY relationship.

Slowly but surely, phone calls become a bother (if they come at all), touch is not always welcome (when it happens), and your spouse's idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute, drive you nuts. The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship; you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage.

At this point, you and/or your partner might start asking, "Am I with the right person?" And as you reflect on the euphoria of the love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with someone else. This is when relationships breakdown.

The key to succeeding in a relationship is not finding the right person; it's learning to love the person you found.

People blame their partners for their unhappiness and look outside for fulfillment. Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes.

Infidelity is the most common. But sometimes people turn to work, a hobby, friendship, excessive TV, or abusive substances. But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your relationship. It lies within it.

I'm not saying that you couldn't fall in love with someone else. You could. And TEMPORARILY you'd feel better. But you'd be in the same situation a few years later.

Because (listen carefully to this):

The key to succeeding in a Relationship is not finding the right person; it's learning to love the Person you found.

SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. You have to work on it day in and day out. It takes time, effort, and energy. And most importantly, it demands WISDOM. You have to know
WHAT TO DO to make it work. Make no mistake about it.

Love is NOT a mystery. There are specific things you can do (with or without your partner), Just as there are physical laws Of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. If you know how to apply these laws, the results are predictable.

Love is therefore a "decision". Not just a feeling.

Remember this always: God determines who walks into your life. It is up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let GO! ♥

***

My takeaways from this is that love is not lazy; it requires work. I find that the emotions that I want are happiness, joy, love, peace, are possible...if I choose it, and if I work at it. Happiness doesn't just happen. Even for the person who seems like they have never experienced a bad day in their life. Their perception is what helps them get through the day. Driving positive perception is work. And it doesn't need to be hard work either. This is where I need to the Lord step in and help me...if I choose to, and if I let Him.

Most older and wiser people have told me that true love comes with time. In the Preparing for Eternal Marriage Lesson Manual: 14, True Love it reads:

Understanding love helps us in selecting an eternal companion and establishing an eternal marriage. Bruce C. Hafen, who was later a member of the Seventy, said: “Be friends first and sweethearts second. Lowell Bennion once said that relationships between young men and young women should be built like a pyramid. The base of the pyramid is friendship. And the ascending layers are built of things like time, understanding, respect, and restraint. Right at the top of the pyramid is a glittering little mystery called romance. And when weary travelers in the desert see that glitter on top of the pyramid from far off, they don’t see what underlies the jewel to give it such prominence and hold it so high” (“The Gospel and Romantic Love,” in Brigham Young University 1982–83 Fireside and Devotional Speeches [1983], 32). 

In another talk, Love Takes Time, by Marvin J. Ashton, it reads:

"True love is a process. True love requires personal action. Love must be continuing to be real. Love takes time. Too often expediency, infatuation, stimulation, persuasion, or lust are mistaken for love. How hollow, how empty if our love is no deeper than the arousal of momentary feeling or the expression in words of what is no more lasting than the time it takes to speak them. A group of college students recently indicated to me their least favorite expression to come from us as the older set is, “If there is ever anything I can do to help you, please let me know.” They, as do others, much prefer actions over conversation.

Undoubtedly our Heavenly Father tires of expressions of love in words only. He has made it clear through his prophets and his word that his ways are ways of commitment, and not conversation. He prefers performance over lip service. We show our true love for him in proportion to our keeping his words and the processes of feeding."

Love=Action....steady and growing in intensity. So, going back to an earlier thought, it seems to me that love is more than a choice, it is a commitment that brings true joy and happiness. 

Loving the person I found (even though he found me) is part of this miraculous journey, and I need not be afraid.
 

The Marriage Learning Curve, Lesson 2: Speak Well Of and To Your Spouse

I remember working in an office where ladies would come in and rag on their sweethearts. I told myself "I will never do that." That thought "I will never do that" is a funny one, isn't it? Never - that seems so final. How do we know we will 'never'? It reminds of another time I was with some friends at a mall and there were kids screaming down the mall corridor, escaping their parent's grasp, and creating such a riot. One of my friends turned to me and said "I will never let my children behave like that in public." Really.....hmmm. Ok, perhaps I should have faith in that the thought that 'never' means 'never.' 

Alas, what I thought I would 'never' do, has come to light. I found myself complaining against my honey. GASP! I have become the very woman that I would 'never' be like. How did I get here? What in the world has my honey done that makes him deserve my behind-his-back bashing? Nothing. No one ever deserves it, but especially not him. In fact, I have been so focused on what isn't going right that it is putting such a negative vibe on everything. This is no good. I liken this thought to the energy we create around any situation. I've heard that if you say things like "I am going to fail my test" you start to believe it, and are more likely not going to pass.

According the article Enhance Your Health by Overcoming Stress, Negative Influences,
"The power of the mind is immense. You can often influence a situation simply by thinking about it meticulously, therefore changing the way you assess and approach the situation. You can even trick yourself into thinking something that is completely untrue."

When I say bad things about my honey that may be fact, the thoughts and ideas surrounding that relationship are bound to that negative energy I have created. It makes my heart hurt, and it is easier to react negatively to my sweetheart who has no idea what is going on in my mind and in my heart. It is better to concentrate on the positive things in the relationship. This is why when people ask newlyweds how marriage is, they most always respond that is is wonderful - even if the reality is that they are struggling with all those marital things like learning how to live together, trying to figure out finances, figuring out the next step in life, wondering how to be together romantically, figuring out how family fits into the picture, living in everyday 'roomate' situations, etc. 

In addition, picking on each other, even if WE individually think it is in funny can sometimes create internal and emotional challenges, especially if the other person does not think it is funny. There are some things that drive Adam crazy like when I lick my fingers, or when I sniff instead of blowing my nose. I have tried and tried to be better at not doing them. These things have become habits of mine, and it is really hard to stop them. I was trying so hard not to do them, and found that I would resent my sweetheart for having mentioned it at all. Then there are things that drive me nuts about Adam. He knows them. 

We both realize that we are trying not to purposefully annoy the other person, but also realize that we shouldn't spend all our energy trying not doing those little annoying things because it gets the best of us. We also found that when we can make fun of these little annoyances in fun and creative ways, it becomes easier to bear, but we have to be cautious on how we make fun of the annoyances. We are still getting the hang of it, but we at least try to laugh when the other is annoying us. And sometimes, to spare feelings or little disagreements, it best not to say that we are annoyed at all.

In the article, Responding the Challenges Through Positive Communication, there is a great story;

"At times it is better to leave some things unsaid. As a newlywed, Sister Lola Walters read in a magazine that in order to strengthen a marriage, couples should have regular, candid sharing sessions in which they would list any mannerisms they found to be annoying. She wrote:

“We were to name five things we found annoying, and I started off. … I told him that I didn’t like the way he ate grapefruit. He peeled it and ate it like an orange! Nobody else I knew ate grapefruit like that. Could a girl be expected to spend a lifetime, and even eternity, watching her husband eat grapefruit like an orange? …

“After I finished [with my five], it was his turn to tell the things he disliked about me. [He] said, ‘Well, to tell the truth, I can’t think of anything I don’t like about you, Honey.’

“Gasp.

“I quickly turned my back, because I didn’t know how to explain the tears that had filled my eyes and were running down my face.”

Sister Walters concluded, “Whenever I hear of married couples being incompatible, I always wonder if they are suffering from what I now call the Grapefruit Syndrome” (“The Grapefruit Syndrome,” Ensign, Apr. 1993, 13).

Yes, at times, it is better to leave some things unsaid."

Today, I logged onto FB and saw this great post. I noticed that the majority of the ideas revolve around what we say about our sweethearts, and how we talk to them. I hope you find these ideas as fabulous as I did.

60 WAYS TO MAKE YOUR MARRIAGE ROCK!

1. PRAY TOGETHER ALWAYS
2. READ THE SCRIPTURES TOGETHER ALWAYS
3. Go on regular date nights
4. Hide notes in secret places
5. Go to bed at the same time
6. Listen to music together-share ear-buds
7. Buy him gifts he will love
8. Revitalize the romance with intimate dates
9. Wear shirts that tell the world you love your spouse
10. Praise your spouse to other people
11. Read a marriage devotional
12. Sleep in his t-shirts
13. Renew your vows privately with whispers and memories
14. Renew them publicly with cake and bubbly
15. Go away together at least once a year

For Women Only
16. Hang pictures of the two of you around your house
17. Make his favorite dessert
18. Make sex a priority
19. Spend time apart occasionally
20. Learn to enjoy something he loves
21. Surprise each other
22. Meet him at the door
23. Text each other from across the room
24. Set reminders on your phone to remember him/her throughout the week
25. Call him right now and tell him you appreciate him

For Men Only
26. Leave work on time and come home early
27. Engage every day in meaningful conversation
28. Compliment each other
29. Take one day a month to make your spouse your total focus
30. Argue fair: avoid these words “you always” and “you never”
31. Kiss every day
32. Find tangible ways to serve your mate without complaining
33. Forgive quickly
34. Be honest.
35. Get on the same page: plan your budget together
36. Look your best as often as you can
37. Guard your marriage
38. Laugh together
39. When you are together-BE TOGETHER (take a break from phones, technology, etc)
40. Tell her she’s pretty, especially when she’s not feeling it

Both
41. Make each other breakfast in bed
42. Do her chores for her
44. Get a couple’s massage or host your own privately
44. Dance together-soft music (both of you alone) or rocking music with the kids
45. Exercise together- hikes, bike riding, etc
46. Choose not to be annoyed by an irritating behavior/disappointment from your spouse
47. Thank your spouse often even for the least reason or gesture
48. Lay in bed together and stare into each other eyes, without talking
49. Learn something new together-take an art class, cooking lessons, etc
50. Leave a sweet comment on the Facebook wall
51. Support each other’s goals
52. Bring her flowers/gifts (even when she says they are too expensive)
53. Wear something your spouse loves
54. Share furniture-sit in his lap
55. Fight for your marriage
56. Make a point to eat dinner together most days of the week.
57. Never let your spouse feel like they come second place to your career or any other thing.
58. Talk about your dreams and aspirations. Be supportive of each other and dream big together!
59. Maintain a united front as your motto: Meaning- “Me and you against the world."
60. Speak well of your spouse.

The Marriage Learning Curve, Lesson 1: Choose Your Battles

I remember asking my newlywed friend how life was as a newly married lady. She said it was fantastic. However, I noticed a spark, perhaps you can even call it a twinge in her eyes that seemed to say, "Yes it is great, but I'm not really telling you everything. Even if I did, you most likely won't understand." 

Most of my newlywed friends have offered simple advice as they have discovered being newly married. As I was single at the time, I would take their advice with a grain of salt. I recall some friends telling me that the first year is always the hardest. I would think, "Oh p-aaa-lease, what can be harder than waking up alone? At least you are married and have someone, right!? If only I would have payed more attention to the advice of my newly married friends. But perhaps it something I need to learn and the only way to do it is to live it.

There is a chapter in the book Little Women entitled "Domestic Experiences." In this chapter, the newly married little woman Meg, experiences one of her first little rows with her new husband. In the story, the couple has their first disagreement and both go their separate ways to fume and ponder the situation. When they came back together, the book recalls "Neither spoke - both looked quite 'calm and firm' [as they previously determined to be] and both felt desperately uncomfortable."

The story continues.

" 'Oh dear,' thought Meg, ' married life is very trying and does need infinite patience, as well as love, as mother says.' The word 'mother' suggested other maternal counsels given long ago, and received with unbelieving protests.

'John is a good man, but he has his faults, and you must learn to see and bear with them, remembering your own. He is very decided, but never will be obstinate, if you reason kindly, not oppose impatiently. He is very accurate, and particular about the truth-a good trait, though you call him "fussy." Never deceive him by look or word, Meg, and he will give you the confidence you deserve, the support you need. He has a temper, not like ours, - one flash, and then all over - but the white, still anger that is seldom stirred, but once kindled is hard to quench. Be careful, very careful, not to wake this anger against yourself, for peace and happiness depend on keeping his respect. Watch yourself, be the first to ask pardon if you both err, and guard against the little piques, misunderstandings, and hasty words that often pave the way for bitter sorrow and regret.' "

In the end, she resolved to be the first to ask forgiveness, but in the moment she could only give but a sweet kiss. Needless to say, this passage struck a chord with me. I have always been a stubborn one. I thought I had practiced the art of saying 'I'm sorry,' first, and found myself often being the first one every time. And it is not just about saying it first, but truly meaning it. 

While "I'm sorry's" should not be avoided, there are some things that can. Allow me to elaborate.

One night I was startled awake by my new hubby shaking the bed. I immediately turned to him and asked "honey, am I snoring, sorry." He glared at me, turned his back to me and proceeded to try to sleep. I was immediately aggravated by this behavior. It was so easy for me to come up with all of these reasons to not like him at that moment.

1. I had to get up super early the following morning, and his blatant disregard for my apology was worse than the time my friend stole my longest and most held-onto French fry at Arby's
2. If he couldn't sleep, I would have gladly moved to the couch, something I wasn't keen on doing, but would if he wanted me to
3. I couldn't get back to sleep. 

So, as you can see, it was really easy for me to blame him. I was angry and showed my frustration by getting out of bed, stomping around, knocking things over, etc., so that he couldn't sleep either (my stubborn streak: if I'm going down, I am taking everybody with me). After I disappeared to drink some hot herbal tea to help lull me back to sleep, he came to check on me and asked what was the matter. I told him I was mad at him for waking me up so un-cooly and ignoring my apology about snoring. 

What he said next was shocking to me. "Honey, I didn't shake the bed on purpose because you were snoring. In fact, I don't remember having shaken it and all, or you saying anything to me." To which my embarrassed and remorseful response was, "Oh....um. I thought you did it on purpose....sorry." I was mortified. I can't even express how much in the larger scheme of things, this little run-in didn't even really matter. We both went back to sleep and all was well in the morning.

First off, who cares if he shook the bed to stop me snoring anyway, right? The point isn't that he actually shook the bed, which he didn't, but that in my selfishness, I proceeded to get uptight, irritable, and angry....all while he had no idea, and was sleeping. I certainly know how to work myself up over little things like this.

We laugh about this little issue now, but at the time, this seemed rather HUGE. In honesty, things like this shouldn't be worried about in the middle of the night anyway. I once heard a talk in which the speaker said that nothing good comes from someone who lacks one of the following: 1. sleep 2. food 3. exercise.

After recalling this story, per hubby's bringing it up, I decided to practice some sage advice. To avoid a potential row, I now ask myself:

Q: Is this a roommate issue, or is it a long term issue? 

Helping to distinguish between the issue area helps me decide if the issue at hand is really worth discussion and potentially getting in an argument, a.k.a. choose my battles.

My mother also had some sage advice. If you find yourselves arguing about something, write it down on a paper. After things have calmed down a bit from the argument, decide to read the items together and determine HOW these issues affect your relationship, then go from there. 

I might add that if it is temporary or a "roommate" issue, there are most likely ways either party can compromise. If it is long-term, you both might need to come up solutions apart from one another, and combine those ideas together to formulate a new solution in a calm and collected way. There is no reason to try to identify solutions when you or the other person is upset. It doesn't help. It is most likely the case that the other person may just need to air grievances. I am generally a "solutioner". When someone tells me a problem, I want to solve it right away. Most of the time, a solution is not what the other person wants. In fact, sometimes an argument occurs because the other person feels like the other party isn't listening. A person's reaction during an argument really doesn't have to do with being or feeling understood, so much as it is important that the person they are talking to is actively listening.

Another piece of advice that ties in somewhat to this category is that when an issue is presented, it is better to let the issue breathe. This requires taking some time to think about the issue, mulling it over for a couple of days, then trying to resolve it. I have yet to be effective with this.

I am happy to be married to a man that despite my weaknesses, still sees in me the potential to be someone who doesn't stampede through the house when lacking sleep, who sees in me the possibility of getting over these silly arguments that prevent progression, and who loves me and loves being with me. And for that I am grateful. 

So, how will I respond when people ask me how newly married life is? Perhaps I will share this sage advice. My hope is that they will respond and receive this advice differently than I did.

Washington Post Article

Some of you might be tired from reading all about us, love, happiness, weddings, etc. But, I can't help it...we are in it and I love it and I love him.

Adam and I were recently featured in an article in the Washington Post in the Wedding section. The feature is called "We just had this amazing emotional and spiritual connection."

As we read it, we laughed and giggled remembering the experiences of when we met, and how we can joke about some things that seemed so serious in the moment, but are now wonderful memories. It was such a great opportunity to share our story. 

Just to share some random thoughts: Even though at the moment it was difficult, I really take value in the experiences I had being single. I was able to do and accomplish so many things that I perhaps wouldn't have otherwise. I am grateful that even at 30, I am able to be with a man that seems as if he was prepared for me all along. Just the other day, I caught him singing to himself, something that I had on my 'wish list' of traits I wanted in a man. He catches me off guard in how he fulfills what I need. I guess being married now as opposed to when I wanted it is how it needed to happen. I thank God for it everyday, well try to at least.

Having a Wedding in the DC metro, Northern Virginia, and Southern Maryland area

We were married in Kensington, MD and our wedding celebration happened in Vienna, VA at Meadowlark Botanical Gardens Atrium. The following posts are recommended for weddings in the DC metro area, Northern Virginia, and Southern Maryland.
I wanted to give a shout out to all those people who made the wedding amazing. And guaranteed there is more to come!

Enjoy y'all...I know I did!


Dress Alterations: Angie Cavalarro

I would recommend Angie over any other wedding dress shop in the whole DC metro area. I needed work done to the shoulders of my dress, as well as loosening of the arms, a bustle for my train, and potential hemming to the bottom. I took my dress to one shop that was recommended to me in Vienna, Virginia. The lady at the shop told me that lowest estimate for this work would be $400 for the shoulders and arms, $100 for the bustle, and $200 for hemming. This was the lowest estimate. After realizing that the price for alterations would cost at least half of the dress, I was despondent. My amazing hub, Adam, called some other alterations places, including:

1. Mrs. Kim: (703) 323-0979 (independent): recommended by a friend

2. Maria Main (out of her home): recommended by a friend
Maria's Bridal Designs
703-865-8338
3. Green & Blue alterations in DuPont: 202-223-6644
4. Lynn Nelson at Bridal Silhouette, http://www.bridalsilhouette.com/, lynnt.nelson@gmail.com. Arlington. T: 703-402-2266

5. Fashion Dream in Clarendon. (703) 243-8877

At the end, I ended up going with Angie, who has been working in the industry for 25 years. She used to have a shop, but now works out of her basement on a referral basis only. If you are interested in her services, send me a comment, and I can send you her contact information. 

Her price was incredibly reasonable. She had me come for three fittings, and was completely friendly, professional, and easy to work with. I now consider her a friend, and recommend her to everyone! Here is a picture of my dress as altered by Angie, oh and my handsome man!

The Venue: Meadowlark Botanical Gardens

I can't say enough great things about Meadowlark! I worked with Renee, Wayne, and with the Event Planner/Catering Manager Liz. They were just phenomenal. We mostly corresponded over email, and when I had freak out moments, they would listen and respond with cordiality and helped get my ideas from paper and turned them into a reality. I was worried that I would have to have everyone show up and help set up. I found out that part of my contract with Meadowlark included help with that. That was a huge burden off my shoulders. All I had to do was provide a list of where everything needed to go. When I showed up the day of, I was amazed at how everything was just perfect! The only recommendation I have is beware of when the sun will set if you decide to set up your ceremony facing West :) It was still gorgeous, but the sun hit our guests eyes during the first portion.

The Event Food: Blue Heron Catering (Meadowlark's Catering company)

Adam, my mom, and I attended a tasting prior to the wedding. We were completely impressed by the food. They were willing to switch things out, add to the menu if we wanted, and let us ask as many questions as we wanted about the food, including how they prepared it, what ingredients were used etc. We were sad when we didn't get to stuff our faces during the actual reception, because bride's and groom's never get to eat, even when they ask someone to make sure they do. The main chef has been working in the industry for years and has such a love for food, which we could tell in what he let us sample. My favorite was the goats cheese with raspberry filled pastry.

The Deejay: Brad McCormick

Adam and I were reluctant to get a Deejay at first. Brad McCormick came highly recommended by my friend who is a Washington Post journalist for the wedding section. He made our decision to have a Deejay really easy. He met with us on weeknight, which is often hard to do in the DC metro area. Prior to even meeting with him, he sent us a site where we could see the kinds of music he could play, including top wedding recommendations. He also sent over an itinerary which helped guide us through what music to consider, dad/daughter, cocktail hour, dinner music, etc. When we met, we talked about what he has done in the past, and he came fully prepared to show us demo material. He is very detailed and wanted to make sure all the music flowed appropriately. We were very flexible with our music selection and wanted him to help us out, but had some requirements specific to our taste, which he was open to. 

Brad is extremely knowledgeable about popular and traditional wedding music, but also knew some of my favorites including some more underground, indie rock. We were impressed by his wide selection, which is why we went with him. Our taste in music ranged from jazz, indie rock, 70s rock, hip hop, 80s romantic classics, and foreign hits (French swing and Latin salsa). His attention to detail proved well as we ended up dancing half the night and accidentally ignoring some of our late-arriving guests. While we have a great group of dancing friends, we have to give a shout out to this Deejay who kept the party going....there wasn't a moment that people were not on the dance floor, including our parents and older guests. We would recommend Brad for his taste in music, amazing mixes, ability to keep the party going, his likeability, flexibility, and attention to detail.


The Photographer: Danielle Schuh


It was so nice to go with such an amazing photographer. I was very happy with the professionalism and artistic nature of Danielle Schuh, who also happened to be my roommate. I had looked at several photographers in the area, but none of whom I appreciated the artistic flare they brought into their photography as well as moderate prices. I can't wait to see the rest of my pictures, but here are two of my favorites.

Honeymoon Location: North Fork Inn

Adam and I went to North Fork Inn on our honeymoon West Virginia for two nights. It was our first BnB experience, and we are happy to say, we are now BnBers for life! Upon arriving, we saw a herd of white tail deer. The atmosphere was perfect for a couple just looking to relax, which we both were after such a party wedding that we had. The rooms exceeded our expectations, and were all very comfortable. Carol was a fantastic inn keeper, and accommodated our needs. In fact, the room came with champagne that she willingly switched out for white grape sparkling soda and fresh fruit. We found out that her husband Ed typically cooks for the inn and was away, but we were very impressed with the Carol's cooking. We liked the food so much, we took home several recipes. 

We enjoyed lounging in the main area, relaxing in the hot tub, sitting next to the fireplace, sitting out on the patio reading, and knowing that we could hike around if we wanted to. We were able to book massages, and were completely impressed by the set up for one of the most healing massages either of us have had. We have since recommended this BnB to all our friends and family.