The more I try to heal, the more I realize I don't have control over it. It is not completely in my power to heal myself. I have the ability to be taught and allow myself to be healed. I also need to realize that it takes time. And it will come all in the Lord's timing. I am sure I have quoted some of these before, but they are still so poignant for what I have been experiencing the last couple days.
In a talk given by Dallin H. Oaks called Timing, he said:
"My first point on the subject of timing is that the Lord has His own timetable. “My words are sure and shall not fail,” the Lord taught the early elders of this dispensation. “But,” He continued, “all things must come to pass in their time” (D&C 64:31–32).
The first principle of the gospel is faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. Faith means trust—trust in God’s will, trust in His way of doing things, and trust in His timetable. We should not try to impose our timetable on His. As Elder Neal A. Maxwell of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles has said:
“The issue for us is trusting God enough to trust also His timing. If we can truly believe He has our welfare at heart, may we not let His plans unfold as He thinks best? The same is true with the second coming and with all those matters wherein our faith needs to include faith in the Lord’s timing for us personally, not just in His overall plans and purposes."
Indeed, we cannot have true faith in the Lord without also having complete trust in the Lord’s will and in the Lord’s timing."
I thought I was doing really well moving forward. I started going out with boys and enjoying being single again...but you know, it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. It doesn't mean that I all of a sudden have the ability to put an incredible relationship behind me. I am acting like such a wuss. It is not like I have experienced this incredible loss, like losing a loved one to death, or losing a home, or a child, or anything like that. I thought I was ready to move on and have met incredible boys who might want to take that step with me....but I am not ready. I hate saying that, because I have been such a proponent of the fact that I am the one preventing myself from moving forward. I am the one creating 'stories' in my head about how I am not ready. Why then do I feel that I really AM not?
I don't feel like I am holding on to a hope. No, not at all. I don't feel like I am waiting for Mr. Perfect to sweep me off me feet. No, no such thing. I don't feel like I am being picky about the next one. Or am I? Why does everything have to be so serious for me? Why, when I go out on a first date do I get to know their last name and already have all the babies names picked out and know where we are going to live for the next X years of our lives? Why can't dating be just that?
Perhaps I am stuck in this mind frame that I was only a couple weeks ago, where my future with Bret was marriage and now I have to retrain my mind and go back 7 months to where I was before, when I looked forward to going out on a 2nd date.
I don't know...but it hurts and I hate it! I am miss pessimist today. Normally, I would apologize for being this way...but I can't. I take full responsibility for being this way. I hate being single....and I am trying to be happy. Today I am not. Looking at my life, this is not what I chose, but this is the way that it needs to be. I totally get that.
I find comfort and yet end up balling because of these words from the same talk:
"We prepare in the way the Lord has directed. We hold ourselves in readiness to act on the Lord’s timing. He will tell us when the time is right to take the next step. For now, we simply concentrate on our own assignments and on what we have been asked to do today. In this we are also mindful of the Lord’s assurance: “I will hasten my work in its time” (D&C 88:73). It is not enough that we are going in the right direction. The timing must be right, and if the time is not right, our actions should be adjusted to the Lord’s timetable as revealed by His servants."
Marriage is not happening for me yet. So, what do I do now? This next part is where I am struggling. I am struggling to find the faith of persistence, but for now, that is all I have to hold on to.
"So what should be done in the meantime? Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ prepares us for whatever life brings. This kind of faith prepares us to deal with life’s opportunities—to take advantage of those that are received and to persist through the disappointments of those that are lost. In the exercise of that faith, we should commit ourselves to the priorities and standards we will follow on matters we do not control and persist faithfully in those commitments, whatever happens to us because of the agency of others or the timing of the Lord. When we do this, we will have a constancy in our lives that will give us direction and peace. Whatever the circumstances beyond our control, our commitments and standards can be constant.
The commitments and service of adult singles can anchor them through the difficult years of waiting for the right time and the right person. Their commitments and service can also inspire and strengthen others. Wise are those who make this commitment: I will put the Lord first in my life, and I will keep His commandments. The performance of that commitment is within everyone’s control. We can fulfill that commitment without regard to what others decide to do, and that commitment will anchor us no matter what timing the Lord directs for the most important events in our lives."