Several years ago a good friend complimented me on my personal and spiritual growth. Having known me for 6+ years, he had seen how far I had come in trusting the Lord, and doing good. It was such a comfort to know that someone else recognized these changes in me. Every once in a while, I do this internal check. It just so happens that I never know when this check will happen. It's funny, my pre-PMP test mode makes me think that I am giving myself 'quality assurance and verification.' At these times, I am most sobered by everything I am NOT doing. I have always been my worst critic, but I often feel that I need to be in order to grow.
Lately, I confess, I have gone through one of the most trying periods of my life. I have had opportunities to share some of them with you. I have struggled with dealing with trials. I haven't felt graceful. I complain the whole time. I feel myself put a pavilion between me and God because I want a break. I am often tired, and everything reflects a poor attitude. Then I realize I need to shape up, but not before I have a minimal breakdown and get mad at myself for not doing better. Then I get a little upset with God because I don't want to stretch anymore. I think "Really, don't You think You have stretched me enough....I'm tired, could you just ease up a little bit?" Then I realize the request is ridiculous, getting mad at God isn't worth it, and I let Him do what He needs so that I can better understand what he expects of me.
From the book Teaching of the President's of the Church: Lorenzo Snow, Chapter 7, Faithfulness in Times of Trial, it says: "The Lord has determined in His heart that He will try us until He knows what He can do with us. He tried His Son Jesus. … Before He [the Savior] came upon earth the Father had watched His course and knew that He could depend upon Him when the salvation of worlds should be at stake; and He was not disappointed. So in regard to ourselves. He will try us, and continue to try us, in order that He may place us in the highest positions in life and put upon us the most sacred responsibilities."
No matter how many times I read and hear about how trials are meant to strengthen, I still have to go through my internal quality check.
In the same book, Chapter 8, Search Me Oh God and Know My Heart, it says "… We must be true men and true women; we must have faith largely developed, and we must be worthy of the companionship of the Holy Ghost to aid us in the work of righteousness all the day long, to enable us to sacrifice our own will to the will of the Father, to battle against our fallen nature, and to do right for the love of doing right, keeping our eye single to the honor and glory of God. To do this there must be an inward feeling of the mind that is conscious of the responsibility that we are under, that recognizes the fact that the eye of God is upon us and that our every act and the motives that prompt it must be accounted for; and we must be constantly en rapport [in harmony] with the Spirit of the Lord."
At the end of the day, I need to let the Lord work me and stretch me, so that He knows what I am capable of. I need to let changes happen by being proactive and positive about the outcome, because when I do, I am happier.
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