Mommy Tales: Being Nice to Myself

Church today was particularly difficult with Little Bundle. First, we are traveling and his sleeping habits have been off. We are sharing a room right now, and I think my snoring is keeping him up. He has been tossing and turning a lot more than usual.

After getting him ready, and getting ready myself, I packed my purse with all Little Bundle's needs, and started walking to church. I wasn't sure how long it would take us to get there, but it sure wasn't the 20 minutes I had planned. We arrived to our 9:00 a.m. church at 8:40. I walked in and the lights in the church were not even on yet. I didn't want to take Little Bundle in the chapel since we would be there for an hour. I walked around, went to the drinking fountain, but it got to a point where I just needed to set up shop in the chapel.

I always choose a pew with a wall. That way, there is only one escape route for Little Bundle. Guarding two by myself has always presented a challenge. How grateful I am, as a mom, to have a wall. It makes it seem like I am in more control somehow....even if I'm not.

On any given Sunday, I have a stash of bread and goldfish. The bread is for when the sacrament comes around so there is no fighting with the tray. The goldfish is for any other time I feel he needs a distraction. Today, Little Bundle spotted the bread right away. Before the opening services even started, he was halfway done with the bread. I was silently praying that he would be able to make it through sacrament meeting without too much fuss.

Minute 10 came and we were still on opening exercises. I knew I needed to be prepared to leave, something I haven't needed to do in the past. It has only been lately, as Little Bundle has become more mobile, that I have struggled. Helping distract him as much as I could, he had eaten his goldfish, proceeded to spit them out and create a mess with them on the seat. After cleaning up after him, he had enough and started to wail during the sacrament. I picked him up and started to go out, having not partaken of the water. I noticed that the water had been passed in the foyer, so I stood at the door as Little Bundle whimpered. 

I wasn't embarrassed, but felt bad for those who really came prepared to ponder and listen. I also didn't know how appropriate it was for me to stand at the door since the doors are often a space for the priesthood to protect during this sacred time. 

Side Note: I am trying to overcome this, but I often feel that when people glance my direction when Little Bundle starts to get fussy, they are really saying, Don't you know it is rude to keep a unruly child here....I am trying to feel the Spirit and you and your child are distracting me.

Maybe all mom's feel like this, but I really don't think Little Bundle is SO unruly that I have to take him out. I am at church to learn too, and will take him out, or stand up by the door if I need to.....I digress.

I received the water, gratefully, and made my way back to the pew. Afterward, Little Bundle was great for 10 more minutes. As he started to fuss again, I held him, reading silently to him. Then, I felt wetness. He peed through his clothes.

At this point, I knew it was time to leave. I didn't have an extra change of clothes (the first time I didn't bring any since he was born). I realized the irony, made my way to bathroom, changed his diaper as he cooed in the echoing-tiled restroom, and made my way to my stroller. He was naked, all except the diaper. 

As I left, I felt like I had to justify my son's nakedness in the church. I explained this to one mother in the foyer, and concluded I am not winning at mothering today.   

On our walk back to my brother's apartment, I thought about my last comment. How easy was it to blame myself and lack of mothering skills or parenting abilities? It was too easy. At the time, I didn't feel defeated in any way. I wasn't mad, or annoyed at Little Bundle. My leaving had nothing to do with me being a bad mom, it had to do with not bringing a naked baby back into sacrament meeting. 

I had the opportunity to partake of the sacrament, and renew my covenants. I went to church, even though I was on vacation. I went with a baby who was sleepy from the beginning. I whispered to Little Bundle about the reason we were there (a new tradition I started with him 3 weeks ago). I enjoy being obedient - it brings me peace. 

I showed up. 

I hope that not too many of you, my readers, get down if things don't go as smoothly as you anticipate. I often see phrases like "mommy fail" or "#notwinningatmom" or the ever sarcastic "#winningatmotherhood" floating on social media. 

Even if you are not being serious when you post those types of phrases, take caution that you don't start believing what you are saying. 

Showing up is all it takes to defeat those negative thoughts. It is high time we start being nicer to ourselves......starting, now.