Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Looking at myself through a magnifying glass
I am struggling with what my future holds. One day, I had a glimpse into an incredible future and the next day, everything I had imagined, dreamed and hoped for was completely gone. I prayed and sought uplifting and inspiring words from friends, family, prophets, God....and realized that I just needed to be present with my feelings. It is ok to mourn. It is ok to wail. It is ok to cry. I don't know why I thought I couldn't.
Now, I can say "Oh, this is the feeling I am having. Ok, so now that I realize it, I will live it for a time, and then I will leave it behind me." That is what I am doing. I am present with what I feel and I am ok with that. Some people call it, 'getting in touch with your emotions.' Oh, I am so in touch with them....it might seem scary to other people who don't understand. It is nice to know that I am being real with myself though, you know?
So, as I have been contemplating what my new future can hold, a world of possibilities have flooded my mind. Too much to write....
I then began reading over my blog - things that I posted last year when I first started this epic adventure of sharing thoughts, desires, feelings...and this is an excerpt from an article I wrote last March:
I hope that in each of us there is a hope that light exists past the darkness. Sometimes, we can stumble around to find the switch, but other times we have to rely on what we know in order to keep walking, trusting that if we rely on those other sources of light and in the destination, that we will see why that part of the trail - or period of time - was dark for us.
Is it dark because our faith is being tested? Do we have enough faith to get where we want to be? Do we have enough hope that there is light on the other side of the darkness - the darkness not being evil, but the darkness being the unknown?
So, is it safe to say that sometimes stepping out into the darkness is necessary for us to progress on the trail of life? I feel that darkness (or the unknown) is overcome when we decide to step in the direction we know and feel is right - the direction we know holds the ultimate light source.
During this time, perhaps I need to go with what I do know. I know that there is light beyond the darkness. I know that I can't keep thinking 'someday I will be happy' or 'when I am married, I will be happy' or 'when I have kids, I will be happy.' No, I can't do that. BUT, I can hope for it, pray for it...but as far as longing for it....I can't do that any more.
I have the choice to be happy now. I have the choice to be real with myself and realize that I am not going to be happy all the time, but that doesn't mean I am not going to try my hardest. Ask me today how I am doing and I will say I am choosing not to be happy....but come next week, I will choose differently. And the Lord makes that available for me....He always does.