One thing I am still learning though, is being able to accomplish the goals I have made...and have broken, and made again, but still be able to be with Little Bundle. I am not sure what this looks like yet, and don't have any advice for what to do to have a balanced life.
But I can say that today, while listening to Marfa Lights 1 by Deuter, I looked out my window and just looked. I breathed in deep breaths. I raised my standing desk and stood. I stretched and lengthened. I pondered. Really pondered.
I have been thinking about what's next for me lately. Often when I start thinking too far ahead, I don't see the Lord working miracles in my life because I end up getting nervous and anxious. I start doing things out of context and stepping on a lot of toes in the process.
Two days ago I listened to this great BYU devotional talk about women, perseverance, education, direction, persistence, and devotion to God. The message was beautiful and clear. At a different point in my life, I could have been empowered by it. But this time, I needed to disregard it in order to keep my mind sound and open. I finally feel like I am in a good place. I am not saying that I am too content (because being content is sometimes not a good thing). I am saying that I am in a good place emotionally, spiritually...ok, maybe not physically (but I have accepted this).
When I start questioning where I am, or the next step, I start going faster than I have strength, and end up crashing hard. Crashing hard hurts. It has taken almost my whole life to finally figure out that I will get to where I need to at the time and pace that I need to - and that God is more than happy with that. For those of us who already burden ourselves with "I am not good enough" or "I am never happy until...." I have found that it is better to allow the Lord's plans to unfold, instead of trying to unfold them too early.
That is why I am happy with where I am. I want to take this time to ponder, but not have anxiety. I want to be ok with the fact that I am still growing, and I know that it won't be as painful because I am taking a step back.
- I have plans to pursue my PhD, but not right now.
- I spot clean until I have time to deep clean, because I would rather spend time with Little Bundle.
- I choose to eat as healthy as I can, go on walks, and live an active lifestyle....with Little Bundle in mind....but am not overly concerned about my baby weight and trying to lose it.
- I choose to stay in my marriage in spite of all those around me that see so many things that could be improved, or that they deem as "wrong".
- I am happy with my current work position and find joy with my team and who I serve. Sure I am interested in progress and upward movement, but not right now.
- Sure I wish I had enough energy at the end of the day to blog, read, plan meals, etc. And eventually I will start to bring these things back into my life, but not as full force as I have in the past. And I am OK with that.
- I will take the time to have 10 minutes of ponder time a day. Perhaps in the morning at work, just like today - where I can remind myself that my life is wonderful.
It is remarkable how many times I have to tell myself that I am OK with where I am in life. Admittedly, this time around has been less painful and enjoyable....and it has taken a long time for me to get to this point.
AND Go YOU, all my amazing anxiously engaged friends,...if you have been able to get to this point too.