This morning I was late getting out the door, gave my semi-sleeping sweetheart a harsh goodbye when I left due to some confusion over house keys, and ran out of the apartment. I felt that my response to him was harsh. From past experience, I know that when I start my morning off in a rushed way, the rest of my day feels rushed. I also don't like feeling that I have upset my sweetheart.
On the bus, my briefcase - that is more like a suitcase - flew across the bus floor and tackled this woman's feet. My first reaction was shock. I couldn't believe how far that briefcase went! The second thing I felt was embarrassment, followed quickly by remorse, as I am sure it damaged her body somehow. I looked up apologetically at the woman, feeling guilty. She was wearing sandals and glared back at me rubbing her foot. Then I was upset.
Didn't she know that I had strategically moved my bag under the seat in front of me so that it wouldn't block the walking aisle? I put a lot of thought into where I placed my bag. In fact, after running out of the house, and upon noticing that the bus had turned the corner where my bus stop was, I had to run super fast to catch him at the next stop (running and I don't get along). I ended up throwing out my back to catch the bus, only to see that the bus didn't have the kinds of seats that were conducive to me putting my bag under me. I even thought about sitting sideways so my bag wouldn't be in another person's way, but decided I didn't want to be sick this morning. With all this explanation, couldn't this resentful woman see that I wasn't purposefully trying to attack her? I automatically snapped in my head thinking "Oh, did the accidental slippage of my briefcase inconvenience you?" I was appalled at my immediate thought and lack of tact.
Thank goodness, I didn't say anything out loud. I took a quick inventory of my behavior this morning. What was my deal? First my sweetheart, and then this stranger. I decided that I was a terrible person, and prayed that I wouldn't be so snappy amongst other prayers to sustain me today. During the rest of the bus ride, I started recollecting a time I completely ignored this gentleman at the metro station because I was on the phone. I didn't know if he was asking for money or directions, and you know what, it wouldn't have mattered either way. He is a human being, and I should have acknowledged him when he tapped my shoulder, and called the person back. I also started thinking about all these other moments that I was a terrible person, recounting things from my childhood that made me out to be an awful person.
This whole experience this morning validated my 20-year old discovery that I am VERY hard on myself. Influences of the underworld often pervade my mind and help me on my way down this spiraling slide of LIES! AND LIES about myself and my individual worth and nature make me unhappy! Luckily, I created the 13 happiness commandments to help me combat these lies. I decided I need to print them out and keep them with me so I can refer to the them daily...and maybe I will laminate them.
As you may recall from my last post, Commandment #2, Ask, "Am I Being a Lady," Commandment #5 Don't Rehearse Unhappiness, Commandment #10 Don't Be So Hard on Yourself, Commandment #13 Everyone Has Agency Because Everyone is A Child of God, and Commandment #6 Let it Go. All these would have been super helpful this morning. The good new is, I got to them eventually, and now I can move forward with that in mind.
It is amazing what can throw us off the path of happiness, including our sometimes self-destructive weaknesses. Knowing that I can make my weaknesses become strong because of Jesus Christ helps. And if carrying around a piece of paper with my happiness commitment and commandments will help achieve this goal, I will do it!